I want to marry Indian man

#1 May 30th, 2015, 19:50
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  • Yulia Dubai is offline
#1
Hi all here!
Sorry if i chose the wrong thread for my post, but I really need your kind advice.
I am ukrainian lady, living in Dubai.
Almost 2 years I'm dating with kerala hindu guy. We love each other and want to marry.
I hope to get understanding and any advice here.

We are not an average couple due to different nationality, culture. But there are more issues, like my age. I'm 6 years senior than him and I have a daughter. Anyway, Till now everything went smooth for us.
Now, his family wants him to marry. They don't mind of european lady. But the difference in age making them uncompliant (((. He had spoken with some of his relatives and later with mom as well. All of them strongly refuse to accept his intention to marry me...
They want to find for him indian girl who MUST be younger.
As every normal indian man, he don't want to hurt his family but trying to convince parents. He talk with family only over the phone. But in August going home for vacation and to discuss it with parents.
I understand, that 99,9% of success will depend on him. But still I'm so much scared to lose him and asking you here for advice.
If there is anything I can do from my side? What we can do to convince his family?
Is Anyone here Ukrainian or Russian lady to support me?

Thanks everyone for understanding.
Godd bless you all
#2 May 30th, 2015, 19:56
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  • ronsaik is offline
#2
from their point of view you are exploiting him. the assumption is that you are marrying him because is a source of income for you and your daughter, and you will leave him when it suits you.
also, in the process, you are going to alienate him from his family.
if you want to address that concern, you will do well to learn the language (malayalam) and culture.
Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it!
#3 May 31st, 2015, 00:26
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  • Yulia Dubai is offline
#3
Thank you Ronsaik. I do learning Malayalam, and culture and cooking... because sincerely love him and all the ways to care of him make me happy. I wish if I had a chance to meet his family. I wish if they would believe our feelings.
Regarding marriage, I think all woman marrying man and shifting to his home and become his siblings, then their kids too.
For me, I'm educated in law, working and taking care of my daughter. We are both, as spouses can bring double income into our family budget.
#4 May 31st, 2015, 00:32
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  • Nick-H is offline
#4
Quote:
As every normal indian man, he don't want to hurt his family
Let's fix that...

As every normal man he don't want to hurt his family.

I know what you mean about the particularly Indian aspects of that, though.

In the end all of this is down to him. I now know two guys who have turned their backs on the families to marry as per their own choice. I can't say that neither regret it, but it is the family rejection that they regret, not their marriages.

Quote:
from their point of view you are exploiting him. the assumption is that you are marrying him because is a source of income for you and your daughter, and you will leave him when it suits you.
well, in an old-fashioned world, every woman got married to be be a source of income for her, because it was mutually accepted that she was going to be a housewife. Isn't there still a lot of that view, here in India? Especially as women are expected to produce babies from year one?

Anyway, all that is general stuff. Yulia, have you met his family? It is not always the case, but some of their formulaic and prejudiced views might melt if they know you as a person
#5 May 31st, 2015, 03:13
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  • edwardseco is offline
#5
You have the right idea, you marry the family not the individual..
#6 May 31st, 2015, 03:41
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  • Sama is offline
#6
Yulia Dubai, my friend writes a blog on her intercultural marriage with an Indian man and maybe some of what she writes will help with your questions. Check out Madh Mama

You can also email her and ask her questions and maybe some of her readers can help you also.

"Firangi Bahu (as I like to affectionately call myself) is Hindi for "Foreign Daughter-in-law".
Being a part of an Indian family for nearly a decade, I have ridden the ups and downs that is the intercultural tidal wave. I am happy to give advice on anything and everything regarding Indian traditions and Indian family dynamics, to my best knowledge."

Good luck to you.
My India Photos, 2005-2017
"When you are truly genuine there will invariably be people who do not accept you. And in that case, you must be your own badass self, without apology." -- Katie Goodman
#7 May 31st, 2015, 09:20
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  • Searchforlong is offline
#7
I have no useful advise, except to say time heals most wounds. IF you and your loved one are determined enough, it will carry you both through initial dis approvals; but that is a big "If". It is hard to know another person, however close you think you are to him. Trust your judgement and hope for the best. Best wishes.
#8 May 31st, 2015, 13:22
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  • nycank is offline
#8

Thumbs up

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yulia Dubai View Post If there is anything I can do from my side?
First step would be to go meet his family ? Bigotry and Prejudice is born out of ignorance. If they do not know you, or known any ukranian/russian/slavic person, the family will have all kinds of negative attributes based on hearsay or biased sources.
#9 May 31st, 2015, 13:48
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  • rickydee is offline
#9
It is really unusual for this forum to have such issues.

But believe me if you were an indian and malayali even then family would have
objected to your marriage for one reason or other. In India parents thinks it is their divine right to find suitable match for their innocent children. Even if they are in their thirties and not so innocent.

If you really want this man, meet his family and get ready for rollar coster ride of indian melodrama. Family exerts lots of pressure on their children for marriage according to their wishes. Be on his side and do not let him be away from you for long, lest he might give in to family pressure.

In India we resist love the most and praise love the most.
#10 May 31st, 2015, 14:22
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  • Yulia Dubai is offline
#10
Dear all, thank you very much for different opinions! I believe in good.
Nick-H, I have never visited his home in India and didn't meet his family. But I wish to know them and say thanks for good son!

Thank you Sama for information!

I have one idea. I know some married couples (Ukrainian-Indian) living in Kerala. What if I can get their support and together visit His parents to discuss and try to convince them?...
Just, I'm eager to do everything and stand for him till the end. I hope the Good End.
#11 May 31st, 2015, 14:29
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#11
Ohh Rickydee...you are right. Wish me good luck, I hope that will be lucky and get a chance to come into their home. I am sure that they will see me as a good person. But still they might be uncompliant...
I pray every morning for God to help me
#12 May 31st, 2015, 16:13
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  • Nick-H is offline
#12
Quote:
What if I can get their support and together visit His parents to discuss and try to convince them?...
They will feel ganged up on. I say that, because I think I would!

Whilst I think you should certainly meet and get to know them, any problems with that family are, at least initially, the guy's problem: it's his family.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rickydee If you really want this man, meet his family and get ready for rollar coster ride of indian melodrama. Family exerts lots of pressure on their children for marriage according to their wishes. Be on his side and do not let him be away from you for long, lest he might give in to family pressure.
You don't have to take any crap, although it seems inevitable that, at least at first, and it is best to make the effort of diplomacy, because, in the end, it is better in life to have friends than enemies!

The problems are not always only "initial." In the two families that I know of...

--- family A is utterly unforgiving and not even the proberbial "wait until they have a grandchild" has made any difference.

--- family B is making a habit of this. Son One, after leaving an arranged marriage that wasn't even discussed with him before the event (disastrous failure for both parties) is now happily married, but not welcome inside the family house. Son Two, later, married a self-chosen, unapproved, woman. Again, the door is barred.

In all the above cases, the women were not even of foreign origin.

But don't let me sound like the prophet of inevitable doom. I know of love marriages too where everybody has lived happily ever after, and that includes some very conventional families. Do not worry too much about all this until you have met them. Until then, all they know is that their son is going to marry a stranger: many families in the world will feel a little uneasy at that.
#13 May 31st, 2015, 16:59
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#13
Thank you Nick-H. I feel better now.
#14 May 31st, 2015, 17:33
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  • federica is offline
#14
To give you hope:

I know a German-Malayalee couple where she is 12 years older (although you can't see it) and she's a well respected member of his extended family. And she had four children before she met the man...

Wishing you good luck for your relationship and a meeting with his family!
#15 May 31st, 2015, 17:34
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#15
Thank you very much Federika!
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