Relationship advice

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#1 Jul 12th, 2012, 01:18
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  • Virgi is offline
#1
Hello,

Im Virginia from Spain. I posted this in some other forum, but i'm actually quite.. desperate about it, and was hoping that maybe people from India, or who live in India could help me find some way if there is...

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post it though

This is about my boyfriend, he is from south india, from a place near Salem, 27 and only has one sister. His family, obviously is very big though. we have been in a distance relationship as he works on cruise ships for a little more than a year, and also were friends for months before we started "officially". I met, if we could say so, his parents back in september through Skype, they knew who i was and everything, and they were extremely nice to me, but after that, preferred to ignore me.

Finally we decided to get married. From the beggining we were very serious about it, knowing how hard it would be for his family to accept and he never hid it, but he always believed they would accept it, as he is his son and i was up to move closer or do whatever was necessary. So when he went on his last vacation, he told his sister and her husband first so they would help us with his parents, and then they told his parents. At first they had big fights, and they wouldnt speak to him, but a couple of days later it seemed they would accept it and even said they would talk about some conditions so we could make everything in the right way. Days passed and his mother tried to kill herself we knew it was blackmail, but as he says, the risk was too high. And then hell started for us.

They started threatening him, not only about me, but also with moving to other town, living as beggars, etc. My boyfriend is very fond of his family and of course feels responsible of their wellbeing as the only son. Still he fighted, but his mom made him believe he couldnt make me happy, which is an issue he had worried about before, but then we came to an understanding. Still, everything put together he started to doubt of himself as being able to keep me happy.

In the end, he decided we should break up, as he is all his mom cares about and this way at least she is happy. I think i should explain that his parents dont get on well, his father drinks and abuses his mom, and all his mom cares about, she even told him, is that he marries properly so they have a better reputation and relations, and also have someone to clean and cook for them while he is abroad working.

The only thing he is worried about is hurting her mom and leaving her alone with his dad and also he is now sure i would never be happy with the life he feels he is bound to. He knows that everyone in their place already comment on their fights, and after her suicide attempt, they all suspect. Otherwise, he would have stayed with me…

Then again, it seems there is other family that had an intercaste marriage and now almost no one speaks to them as much… and as far as i know somehow he feels threatened that some people would try to hurt us if not kill us if we got married.

I know i should think if he didnt stand for me, i should forget him… but i do understand he cant hurt his mom in this state… But i feel like there is a slight hope that maybe things are going to change.. i feel like there is still something to do… i think day after day he is doubting more he is going to be able to keep up with what they're making him do. They have chosen a girl for him already… and he says he will be fine if his family is fine, but he is so upset at them… Im also worried that he will never be really happy this way…

I guess i'd need to know if there would be any real chances with his family or things would be so bad even if i moved to his house...

Thanks for reading


and i dont know how to overcome. I've already assumed so much of India as part of me…



Thanks for reading…
#2 Jul 12th, 2012, 01:43
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  • vickey1729 is offline
#2
Hey Virgi,

As he(your BF) have already tried a lot from his side(I appreciate him for this).I have few suggestion for you as you know his parents not going to accept you. This tough in india and a girl form an all different country that makes it more harder. The kind of brief you've given about his family I aould strongly urge you to MOVE on.... Coz there is very less possiblity that you would be happy after mariage once he is on job and you at home the only way is that he Marry you ... You keep living your life in your country and keep visiting his parents in regular intervals and ask his parents to visit there thats the only solution other wise this is really gonna hell after marriage for YOU.....I completely understand your emotions and feelings and that the only solutions for you.
Keep Exploring...............
#3 Jul 12th, 2012, 01:48
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  • Nick-H is offline
#3
Nobody can answer any of your questions ... because they don't know the individuals involved. I expect you realised that even as you were asking.

But anyway...
Quote:
I guess i'd need to know if there would be any real chances with his family or things would be so bad even if i moved to his house...
Don't even think about it. It is an abusive situation bewtween the father and the mother, plus the mother's emotional domination of the son. The only real way to fir into an abusive situation is to get abused. Just don't.
Quote:
but i do understand he cant hurt his mom in this state
Well, there comes a time when moms have to stand on their own two feet --- and handle their own situations too. Is she ever going to stop having crises with which she controls her son and others?
Quote:
Then again, it seems there is other family that had an intercaste marriage and now almost no one speaks to them as much… and as far as i know somehow he feels threatened that some people would try to hurt us if not kill us if we got married.
They can't touch you if you are nowhere near them.

I can tell you about one such son that I know who, after a couple of years of dithering, which was very painful for the lady involved, turned his back on his family and, absolutely against their will, married out-of-caste out-of-religion, out-of-state. Whilst his parents were prepared to speak to him again, after a while, they still refuse to have anything to do with the lady to whom he remains happily married ...a long, long way away from his family home.
Quote:
Then again, it seems there is other family that had an intercaste marriage and now almost no one speaks to them as much… and as far as i know somehow he feels threatened that some people would try to hurt us if not kill us if we got married.
Certainly in some parts of India you could have as much to fear from communities as from family itself, and there might be repercussions on the family. If you mention his caste, then, knowing that and the general area, people who come from here might have opinions. I'm not Indian, and I really don't know too much outside my own city, which is pretty cosmopolitan: I won't speculate.

Of course, I'd tell him to leave his lousy family to sort themselves out and get back to you --- but he isn't going to be asking me, so all I can do is tell you, I'm sorry.

Crossposted with vickey1729...

Yes I agree, but, it would not be impossible for this boy to move away from mum and dad. Those visits are not obligatory. What would certainly be hell would be "conditions" like moving in with family, adopting the daughter-in-law role, submitting to the orthodoxy of the family...
~
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#4 Jul 12th, 2012, 03:14
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  • Virgi is offline
#4
Nick-H, yes, i know those are questions only he can answer, but maybe some... orientation can help me go through this.. i'm not sure of things now..

I always think the right way we should live is moving to singapore or somewhere accesible, as in the end he is supposed to be the responsible, and lead our life independently, but at times I'm so desesperated that i really wonder if it would be that bad. But i do understand what he feels about leaving them alone. If my mom were in that situation i guess i would feel guilty too. and also, i'm not sure he would be happy feeling that guiltyness throught the marriage. even though we are sure they would end up accepting us, he couldn't accept the process.

About his mom and his crisis... well, it's not the first time she attempts suicide, its always because of reputation so i guess she wont stop, as it results positively to her... i have to admit i'm having a very hard time accepting her attitude..

He is a Chettiar, from some village near Salem, in Tamil Nadu. I've been told, mothers are very very conservative about choosing their sons' life, but not much more about them, as he didnt talk much about that kind of stuff.

And yes, i told him so many times. I find it unfair that i didnt make him choose, but they did, only to have someone to provide them of services and relations

Im not sure until what point it is not impossible... as he seems to be blocked mentally, they've made this time hell for him, and he feels extremely guilty for everything that has happened. Of course he could leave them, he has considered it, but without him, he is afraid for his mom, and they wouldnt have the finnancial support to live like they want...

Thanks for your support, really...


Vickey1729: i try, i always told him i wanted them to be part of our marriage and so, the problem is they dont even want to talk about me. at times his mom is still threatening him... Thank you i really appreciate this.
#5 Jul 12th, 2012, 03:29
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  • Sama is offline
#5

Exclamation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgi View Post In the end, he decided we should break up, as he is all his mom cares about and this way at least she is happy. I think i should explain that his parents dont get on well, his father drinks and abuses his mom, and all his mom cares about, she even told him, is that he marries properly so they have a better reputation and relations, and also have someone to clean and cook for them while he is abroad working.

The only thing he is worried about is hurting her mom and leaving her alone with his dad and also he is now sure i would never be happy with the life he feels he is bound to. He knows that everyone in their place already comment on their fights, and after her suicide attempt, they all suspect. Otherwise, he would have stayed with me…

... there is a slight hope that maybe things are going to change.. i feel like there is still something to do…
wow. so many red flags in your post.

I have volunteered in a domestic violence shelter for almost 10 years and I can tell you that the biggest lesson the women I work with have learned is that you can never change a man. in fact, no one can change anyone, you can only change yourself. women have wasted years of their lives hoping a man can or will change.

the women I work with who are still suffering are the ones who stay with their man thinking things are going to be different or get better. some day. but they usually don't. reality sucks but it is what it is and you either continue allowing yourself to suffer or move on. it's your choice just like everything your man does is his choice.

good luck to you.
My India Photos, 2005-2017
"When you are truly genuine there will invariably be people who do not accept you. And in that case, you must be your own badass self, without apology." -- Katie Goodman
Last edited by Sama; Jul 12th, 2012 at 04:40..
#6 Jul 12th, 2012, 04:22
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  • Sifar Grover is offline
#6
This happens only in iNDIA , our love and respect toward our parents and there excellance in Emotional black mailing - leads us to such situation where we have to walk over our happiness and dreams just to keep them happy ....God bless you ...
#7 Jul 12th, 2012, 04:35
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  • edwardseco is offline
#7
I thought it was everywhere. I am trying to keep up that tradition for my boy, get a job..
#8 Jul 12th, 2012, 04:40
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  • Sama is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sifar Grover View Post This happens only in iNDIA , our love and respect toward our parents and there excellance in Emotional black mailing - leads us to such situation where we have to walk over our happiness and dreams just to keep them happy ....God bless you ...

are you kidding?!?

no, it does NOT happen only in India!
#9 Jul 12th, 2012, 05:00
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  • vickey1729 is offline
#9
Virgi i seriously wish our people could have accepted you as you accepted India but im really disappointed to know that is next to impossible in India that very few people exist who can do this... Well still keep trying convince your BF might be agreee to marry you and let you stay in you home country... My single advice would be "Expect evrything but never expect you can marry him and stayng at his home you will be happy NEVER let this thought occupy your mind"
#10 Jul 12th, 2012, 07:36
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  • zzz is offline
#10
Move on, you will find another man.... Dont worry about him, anyhow even if you two are marry against his family, he will still be unhappy with guilt trip, so do not worry about him that he will never be happy with the new girl they arrange for him...

Find yourself a better life and a guy where you dont have such a dramatic family issue.
#11 Jul 12th, 2012, 07:38
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#11
As Sama rightly said; this is true from Alaska to Argentina, from Japan to Jalisco. Generalizing gets on not where, except social scientists who get to publish papers

In cross cultural relationships, one has to explicitly tease/flesh out all the details sort of, kind of, a pre-nup without the financial asset; but, rather the social and cultural communications.
#12 Jul 12th, 2012, 09:21
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  • Big Daddy is offline
#12
Virgi:

I don't think your BF's parents are at fault. It is your BF that puts up with their crap. His parents are running his life and he is OK with it. With my parents, I never listened. Call me a rebel but my life is much better that way. With my parents, well I have not talked to them in 4 years. Adults have to learn to draw boundaries and if parents don't listen then cut them off from your life. It may sound an aggressive approach, but it works for me and actually made me happier and successful in life.

I hate to say this, but you are at fault too because you are trying to compromise too much. This thing should not have gone this way for so long. Relationships are two way streets, you should have demanded attention from your BF early on. If you keep on compromising 100% then you will get problems in your next relationship as well.
#13 Jul 12th, 2012, 10:52
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  • Sama is offline
#13
Quote:
Originally Posted by Big Daddy View Post If you keep on compromising 100% then you will get problems in your next relationship as well.
women get what they put up with.

well, I guess men do, too.
#14 Jul 12th, 2012, 11:21
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  • Dek is offline
#14
@ Virgi

needless to say/disclose, I was in kinda same situation, that too with a South Indian, but she decided to move on and I think she did right.

As Nick said, NO one can answer any of your questions.

It's bitter but truth.
#15 Jul 12th, 2012, 11:25
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  • mountaintamer is offline
#15
Virgi,

This is an all too familiar scenario. In your case you are not an Indian but even with an Indian girl you could have the same exact problem.
The mother is NEVER going to loosen her hold on the your BF esp as she has seen the emotional blackmail & sucide threats work. And please do not move there, it isnt going to help at all, you will be the only one miserable. Best is to move on with your life (though i know, its easier said than done). Good luck.
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