Joke for the day!! (part deux)

#1681 Sep 6th, 2009, 02:30
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#1681
A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45 zone. The cop
asks for his drivers license and the guy says, "I'm sorry
officer, but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI."

The cop asks for his registration and the guy says, "It's in the
glove compartment, but it's not in my name because I stole this
car in a car jacking. I killed the woman that owns the car and
stuffed her in the trunk and the gun I used is in the glove
compartment.

At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands in sight
and he radios for back-up.

When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story and he
walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor asks to see the
guy's drivers license and the guy hands it over and it is valid
with the guys real name and information.

The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy says, "It's
in the Glove compartment." The supervisor tells the guy to keep
his hands in sight and walks around to the passenger side and
opens the glove compartment. There is the registration in the
guys name and everything seems in order.

Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open the trunk.
The guy opens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire.

At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the other cop had
told him.

The guy says "I'll bet that lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding
too!
#1682 Sep 6th, 2009, 23:31
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#1682
My wife is menopausal,her mood swings were driving me mad so I bought her one of those rings which change colour depending on her mood.
So far we've found that when she is in a good mood it goes green.When she's in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on my forehead.
#1683 Sep 7th, 2009, 00:34
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#1683
Quote:
Originally Posted by skell View Post I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
#1684 Sep 8th, 2009, 20:00
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#1684
I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to screw your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted.

"Well, neither would Pete," I added
#1685 Sep 8th, 2009, 23:52
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#1685
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman,

"I would like To buy a pair of pink curtains". The salesman assures her that they have a large election of pink curtains.


He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.





Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.


The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen inches" "Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman.


"That sounds very small, what room are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room; they are for her computer monitor.


The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need curtains!"


The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo ............ . I've got Windoooooows!"
#1686 Sep 10th, 2009, 19:07
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#1686
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."
#1687 Sep 10th, 2009, 19:29
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#1688 Sep 12th, 2009, 00:44
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#1688
Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says.

''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he almost died!''

''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''

All of a sudden they heard a blood curdling scream from down the hallway.

''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''

*******
#1689 Sep 12th, 2009, 06:18
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#1689
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'


'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!
#1690 Sep 12th, 2009, 09:30
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#1690
Quote:
Originally Posted by skell View Post 'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!
#1691 Sep 12th, 2009, 15:41
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#1691
Goodone Skell!
#1692 Sep 12th, 2009, 16:05
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#1692
Banta told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. The doctor decided to do a thorough examination and afterwards Banta said, 'Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.'
'Well, in plain English,' the doctor replied, 'you're just lazy.'
'Okay,' said Banta. 'Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.
#1693 Sep 14th, 2009, 00:13
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#1693
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that.&q...uot;

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
#1694 Sep 14th, 2009, 21:39
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#1694
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck,
I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes Alberta.
We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first.
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,
"Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said,
"Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
#1695 Sep 15th, 2009, 07:37
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#1695
The Sharing of Marriage:

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they always shared everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered:








'THE TEETH.'

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