Joke for the day!! (part deux)

#1651 Aug 23rd, 2009, 00:04
Join Date:
Aug 2008
Location:
Delhi and everywhere else...
Posts:
813
  • smakkar is offline
#1651
Quote:
Originally Posted by thejag View Post Signboard outside a prostitute's house: Married MEN not allowed.
We serve the needy, not the greedy...
Professional ethics
All my Travels...
www.flickr.com/photos/saurabh_sunny/
A lot still pending though...............
#1652 Aug 23rd, 2009, 00:35
Join Date:
May 2009
Location:
Chennai
Posts:
2,046
  • thejag is offline
#1652

Wink A Bear and a Rabbit

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods when they come across a golden frog. They think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he is a magical frog, and doesn’t often meet other residents of the forest, but when he does, he grants them three wishes each.

The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be female. The frog immediately grants this wish.

The rabbit, after thinking for a while, asks for a crash helmet and one appears, which he places on his head.

The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish. He asks that all the bears in the neighboring forests be female as well. This wish is also fulfilled.

The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle. It appears before him, and he climbs on board and starts revving the engine.

The bear cannot believe it. He remarks to the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes. Then, shaking his head, he makes his final wish, “I wish that all the other bears in the world be female as well.”

The frog replies that it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit for his last wish.

The rabbit thinks for a second, then revs up the engine and says, “I wish for the bear to be gay!” and promptly drives off as fast as he can!
#1653 Aug 24th, 2009, 12:56
Join Date:
Jan 2009
Location:
LONDON
Posts:
576
  • jaws is offline
#1653
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. after an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "um, would you mind if i chatted with you for a while?" she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "no, i won't sleep with you tonight!" everyone in the bar is now staring at them. naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. after a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. she smiles at him and says, "i'm sorry if i embarrassed you. you see, i'm a graduate student in psychology and i'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." to which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "what do you mean $200?"
#1654 Aug 24th, 2009, 13:19
Join Date:
Jan 2008
Location:
Pune, Maharashtra, INDIA
Posts:
1,576
  • Swapnil is offline
#1654
Good one thejag & jaws !
#1655 Aug 24th, 2009, 13:42
Join Date:
Jan 2009
Location:
Bangalore
Posts:
388
  • CindyIndie is offline
#1655
-------------------------------------------------------------


Signboard outside a prostitute's house: Married MEN not allowed.
We serve the needy, not the greedy...

-------------------------------------------------------------


LMAO! Ha, nice
My photography, travel tales in India & the UK and living in Alaska: http://cstimson.byethost18.com/ My gallery at dA http://cinthiastimson.deviantart.com
#1656 Aug 24th, 2009, 14:42
Join Date:
May 2009
Location:
Dilli & Uttarkashi..
Posts:
3,454
Send a message via MSN to tilak2909 Send a message via Yahoo to tilak2909 Send a message via Skype™ to tilak2909
  • tilak2909 is offline
#1656
A keen immigrant Indian Marwadi lad applied for a salesman's job at London 's premier downtown department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes sir, I was a salesman in India ", replied the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it. And finally 6:00 PM came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "Sir, Just ONE sale." said the young salesman. "Only one sale?" blurted the boss. "No! No! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. "If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way "How much was the sale worth?"

= 93300534.00 pounds" said the young Marwadi. "What"," How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well", said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. So I told him he'd be needing a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him that new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer.

I then asked him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook!!"

"No" answered the salesman, "he came in to buy a box of Sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, "Si r, Your weekends screwed anyway, you might as well go fishing."

Boss - "You sit in my chair....... ."
#1657 Aug 24th, 2009, 17:59
Join Date:
May 2009
Location:
Chennai
Posts:
2,046
  • thejag is offline
#1657
Quote:
Originally Posted by tilak2909 View Post "he came in to buy a box of Sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, "Si r, Your weekends screwed anyway, you might as well go fishing."
funny as hell..... LMAO
#1658 Aug 24th, 2009, 18:01
Join Date:
May 2009
Location:
Chennai
Posts:
2,046
  • thejag is offline
#1658

Bill Gates and the Gujarati

the previous joke reminded me of this one...


Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Kantibhai Shah.

Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave. 2000 people leave the room. Kantibhai says to himself, ‘I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I’ll give it a try’

Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave. 2000 people leave the room. Kantibhai says to himself ‘ I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?’ So he stays.

Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave. 500 people leave the room. Kantibhai says to himself, ‘I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?’ So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Kantibhai says to himself, ‘ I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?’ So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.

Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joined them and said ‘Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I’d now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.’ Calmly, Kantibhai turns to the other candidate and says `kem chho’ The other candidate answers ‘ek dam majama..’
#1659 Aug 24th, 2009, 22:31
Join Date:
Apr 2009
Location:
India
Posts:
1,429
  • vko is offline
#1659
good one thejag!
#1660 Aug 25th, 2009, 01:52
Join Date:
Jan 2004
Location:
The OC
Posts:
988
  • skell is offline
#1660
And that's how the fight started!

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
****************************** ****************************** ************
My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
****************************** ****************************** *****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
****************************** ****************************** *****My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
****************************** ****************************** *****I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
****************************** ****************************** *****My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
****************************** ****************************** *****I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
#1661 Aug 25th, 2009, 01:55
Join Date:
Jan 2004
Location:
The OC
Posts:
988
  • skell is offline
#1661
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison... The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot I know if you were here my troubles would be over... I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son..

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m.. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left..


That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.


Love you,
Vinnie
#1662 Aug 25th, 2009, 01:59
Join Date:
Aug 2009
Location:
Mumbai
Posts:
492
  • bonded is offline
#1662
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site.

The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched.

He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...
"SUPPLIES!!"
#1663 Aug 25th, 2009, 02:08
Join Date:
Jan 2004
Location:
The OC
Posts:
988
  • skell is offline
#1663
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes . ;
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________________________ ______ _________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ _____ ______ ___

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____ ______________________________ __

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ __________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WIT NESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNE SS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
#1664 Aug 25th, 2009, 21:27
Join Date:
Apr 2009
Location:
India
Posts:
1,429
  • vko is offline
#1664
@bonded ... u da man... LMAO
#1665 Aug 25th, 2009, 21:33
Join Date:
Aug 2009
Location:
Mumbai
Posts:
492
  • bonded is offline
#1665
Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die.

Upon Jeff's arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.

St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."

Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"

So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous blonde in a bikini, and also with keg of beer.

"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.

"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it............. and the blonde doesn't."
Reply

Similar Threads

Title, Username, & Date Last Post Replies Views Forum
The Birthday Thread (part deux) Oct 13th, 2018 04:47 3449 331535 Chai and Chat
the generic count-down thread (part deux) Nov 30th, 2006 15:10 50 1776 Chai and Chat
Joke for the day!! Oct 12th, 2005 17:28 840 76542 Chai and Chat
death of the joke May 26th, 2005 13:32 0 3395 India Travel News and Commentary


Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Forum Rules»
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.3.2
© IndiaMike.com 2018
Page Load Success