Joke for the day!! (part deux)

#1 Oct 11th, 2005, 10:31
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Originally Posted by somnath Kolkata during Puja ? Awww..... OK, Welcome to hell

You must be kidding....I meant the Bush Fall...
...and I took the road less travelled.
#2 Oct 12th, 2005, 13:18
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A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat. "Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"

Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London."

When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.

Same exchange with Mom............same "Won it at bingo!"

Then Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back again. And this time she's sporting a beautiful emerald diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother
1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she need to freshen up.

Her Mom draws the bath while Colleen gets undressed in her bedroom, but when she gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's on ly a quarter inch of water in the tub!"

"Indade there is, me darlin" replies her Mom."But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"
#3 Oct 12th, 2005, 17:07
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Attached Images
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Last edited by Lotus-Flower; Oct 15th, 2005 at 02:41..
#4 Oct 12th, 2005, 17:33
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George Bush as Talibani!
next life karma??
#5 Oct 13th, 2005, 13:39
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A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a
dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual."

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars,
so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "Hilary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her
motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set
herself on fire.

She says her husband has spent all her money and the
Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2008.

So we're taking up a collection for her." The stock broker asked,
"How much have you got so far?" The officer replied,
"Only about 3-1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning.

#6 Oct 13th, 2005, 20:37
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A couple decided to go for a meal and after some deliberation settled for their local Chinese restaurant.

They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special 'Chicken Surprise'.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to tuck into the meal, the lid of the pot rises by a tiny amount and she briefly see's two beady eyes looking around before the lid slams back down again.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'

'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise'

'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter...

I've brought you the Peeking Duck...
#7 Oct 14th, 2005, 14:20
Discombobulated Elsewherean!
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Cinderella at 95.......

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart stillyearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were
wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you
want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young?
and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish;
what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I
wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new
life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly
perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking
chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
Happiness is for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched and those who have tried. For only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. (Anon.)
Last edited by PRIYA; Oct 14th, 2005 at 14:23.. Reason: tidy up
#8 Oct 15th, 2005, 00:25
Veda Chanting & Mantra Yoga teacher
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  • AvidTrekker is offline

Question Ghastly morbid joke!!!

NOTE : In Gujaraati language, Ba means mother and Bapuji means father and bhai means brother



Hello Dear(s)

Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the US.
It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top addressed to her Brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Mohan and Varsha,
I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT.

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam.

Please divide these among all of you. On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes(size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for

Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute the rest among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans that Ba's is wearing are for the boys.

The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist. Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for.

Please take them off her The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews. Please distribute all these fairly.


PS : And if anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well nowadays...


NOTE: from AvidTrekker: I have nothing against Gujjus as such, since I happen to be one. Please take it as a joke.
The Universe is an ellipsoid?... or a Spheroid?? If the sphere smiles... it becomes an ellipse. This IS Creation.
#9 Oct 15th, 2005, 08:09
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Great joke, AvidTrekker !!
Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop !
#10 Oct 15th, 2005, 08:10
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Never try to outsmart a woman !

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was siting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a minute! " She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word.

I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him".

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!!!?"

"I sure did" said the wife.

"I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque.

If he can cash it, he can spend it!!!"
#11 Oct 15th, 2005, 21:29
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hilarious movie clip

I've been informed that I should repost this to the Jokes thread....the original post I responded to was about a person who intended to go work in a callcenter in India, although they had no computer experience - and it reminded me of this clip.

A friend showed me this at work, probably because I'm going to India this year, but also because I'm a consultant for helpdesk/callcenter software and so found it particularly funny.

Hope you all enjoy it too..
#12 Oct 15th, 2005, 22:01
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Ottawa, Canada
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The clip is quite funny, especially the musical part at the end It put a smile on my face this cold and rainy morning.
Last edited by Casey; Oct 15th, 2005 at 22:01.. Reason: spelling
#13 Oct 15th, 2005, 23:19
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Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look but of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly
#14 Oct 16th, 2005, 01:10
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#15 Oct 16th, 2005, 23:24
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I was sent a short video clip this a.m. that got me falling off the chair, from the above site's link. When you get the site up, scroll down and look at the video clips listed, on the right hand side: it's called "gas crook" and it's a screamer!

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