a funny article....

#1 May 27th, 2004, 10:46
Join Date:
Jan 2004
Location:
Bangalore
Posts:
99
  • stormysky is offline
#1
"The Travails of Single South Indian men of conservative upbringing"

Yet another action packed weekend in Mumbai, full of fun, frolic and introspection. I have learnt many things. For example having money when none of your friends have any is as good as not having any. And after spending much time in movie theatres, cafes and restaurants I have gathered many insights into the endless monotony that is the love life of south Indian men. What I have unearthed is most disheartening. Disheartening because comprehension of these truths will not change our status anytime soon. However there is also cause for joy. We never stood a chance anyway. What loads the dice against virile, gallant, well educated, good looking, sincere mallus and tams? (Kandus were once among us, but Bangalore has changed all that.)

Our futures are shot to hell as soon as our parents bestow upon us names that are anything but alluring. I cannot imagine a more foolproof way of making sure the child remains single till classified advertisements or that maternal uncle in San Francisco thinks otherwise. Name him "Parthasarathy Venkatachalapthy" and his inherent capability to combat celibacy is obliterated before he could even talk. He will grow to be known as Partha. Before he knows, his smart, seductively named northy classmates start calling him Paratha. No woman in their right minds will go anyway near poor Parthasarathy. His investment banking job doesn't help either. His employer loves him though. He has no personal life you see. By this time the Sanjay Singhs and Bobby Khans from his class have small businesses of their own and spend 60% of their lives in discos and pubs. The remaining 40% is spent coochicooing with leather and denim clad muses in their penthouse flats on Nepean Sea Road. Business is safely in the hands of the Mallu manager. After all with a name like Blossom Babykutty he cant use his 30000 salary anywhere. Blossom gave up on society when in school they automatically enrolled him for Cookery Classes. Along with all the girls.

Yes my dear reader, nomenclature is the first nail in a coffin of neglect and hormonal pandemonium. In a kinder world they would just name the poor southern male child and throw him off the balcony. "Yes appa we have named him Goundamani..." THUD. Life would have been less kinder to him anyway.

If all the women the Upadhyays, Kumars, Pintos and, god forbid, the Sens and Roys in the world have met were distributed amongst the Arunkumars, Vadukuts and Chandramogans we would all be merry casanovas with 3 to 4 pretty things at each arm. But alas it is not to be. Of course the south Indian women have no such issues. They have names which are like sweet poetry to the ravenous northie hormone tanks. Picture this: "Welcome, and this is my family. This is my daughter Poorni (what a sweet name!!) and my son Ponnalagusamy (er.. hello..).." Cyanide would not be fast enough for poor Samy. Nothing Samy does will help him. He can pump iron, drive fast cars and wear snazzy clothes, but against a braindead dude called Arjun Singhania he has as much chance of getting any as a Benedictine Monk in a Saharan Seminary.

Couple this with the other failures that have plagued our existence. Any attempt at spiking hair with gel fails miserably. In an hour I have a crown of greasy, smelly fibrous mush. My night ends there. However the northy just has to scream "Wakaw!!!" and you have to peel the women off him to let him breathe. In a disco while we can manage the medium hip shake with neck curls, once the Bhangra starts pumping we are as fluid as cement and gravel in a mixer. Karan Kapoor or Jatin Thapar in the low cut jeans with chaddi strap showing and see through shirt throws his elbows perfectly, the cynosure of all attention. The women love a man who digs pasta and fondue. But why do they not see the simple pleasures of curd rice and coconut chutney? When poor Senthilnathan opens his tiffin box in the office lunch room his female coworkers just dissappear when they see the tamarind rice and poppadums. The have all rematerialised around Bobby Singh who has ordered in Pizza and Garlic bread. (And they have the gall to talk of foreign origin.)

How can a man like me brought up in roomy lungis and oversized polyester shirts ever walk the walk in painted on jeans (that makes a big impression) and neon yellow rib hugging t shirts? All I can do is don my worn "comfort fit" jeans and floral shirt. Which is pretty low on the "Look at me lady" scale, just above fig leaf skirt and feather headgear a la caveman, and a mite below Khakhi Shirt over a red t shirt and baggy khakhi pants and white trainers a la Rajni in "Badsha".

Sociologically too the tam or mallu man is severely sidelined. An average tam stud stays in a house with, on average, three grandparents, three sets of uncles and aunts, and over 10 children. Not the ideal atmosphere for some intimacy and some full throated "WHOSE YOUR DADDY!!!" at the 3 in the morning. The mallu guy of course is almost always in the gulf working alone on some onshore oil rig in the desert. Rheumatic elbows me thinks.

Alas dear friends we are not just meant to set the nights on fire. We are just not built to be "The Ladies Man". The black man has hip hop, the white man has rock, the southie guy only has idlis and tomato rasam or an NRI account in South Indian Bank Ernakulam Branch. Alas as our destiny was determined in one fell swoop by our nomenclature, so will our future be. A nice arranged little love story. But the agony of course does not end there. On the first night, as the stud sits on his bed finally within touching distance and whispers his sweet desires into her delectable ear, she blushes, turns around and whispers back "But amma has said only on second saturdays..."
#2 May 27th, 2004, 12:01
Join Date:
Jul 2003
Location:
Chennai, India
Posts:
90
Send a message via Yahoo to MadnoMad
  • MadnoMad is offline
#2

really cool

Hey stormysky,
I can absolutely relate to what u r saying....me too south indian...fortunately for me I have a fancy sanskrit name and not one of the usual ones!!....but ur article throws new light on an age old issue...
One world, One man, One plan....Travel...unfortunately just one life!
#3 May 27th, 2004, 14:04
Join Date:
Sep 2003
Location:
India
Posts:
745
  • radz is offline
#3
funny
#4 May 27th, 2004, 15:46
Join Date:
Dec 2003
Location:
India !
Posts:
2,219
  • beach is offline
#4
stormysky,

Absolutely marvelous!! I fully understand what you meant. Yenjyoyed !!

I think the southies are spoon fed at least till marriage and then left to starve! That is the problem; the name issue is somehow manageable.

Then there is the attitude….

Parthasarathy Venkatachalapthy’s ultimate ambition is to score 100 of 100 for Biomechanics. He gets nirvana when he archives that. And by fluke if a girl wants to talk to him, he tries to impress her with how non-linear differential equations of 3rd order can be used to model the human locomotion!And she realises the trouble in waiting

Bobby Singh is a different entity. On the first place it’s his dad’s ambition to tell people that his son is an engineer, at least studying for it. That’s why he is here at the campus. He is busy familiarizing with the new set of junior girls joined yesterday. He gets nirvana when the talk of the campus beauty finally climbs on his 350cc bike. And that is his pass mark!


Hey you are in Bombay. Bombay is Bombay. I love this Hindi speaking-Chapati eating South India

I feel the whole of your ‘elegy’ would sound like ‘Greek and Latin’ to our non Indian friends over here at IM
#5 May 27th, 2004, 19:33
Join Date:
Feb 2004
Location:
Bangalore
Posts:
162
Send a message via Yahoo to sillylilly
  • sillylilly is offline
#5
Why no mention of Andhras?
#6 May 27th, 2004, 22:26
Join Date:
Apr 2004
Location:
Pole
Posts:
1,478
  • sudheer poppa is offline
#6
This is true classic. Enjoyed completly stormysky ( so whats your real name

Lilly - I am sure you can give some insights on Andhra.

Senthamarayazhagan Singaravelan would really be having a tough time with culture shock the moment he gets out of the realms of his village.
We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools - MLK
#7 May 27th, 2004, 23:12
Join Date:
Jan 2004
Location:
The OC
Posts:
988
  • skell is offline
#7
It didn't sound like Greek and Latin to me. I thought it was wonderfully written; touching and hilarious at the same time.
#8 May 27th, 2004, 23:27
Join Date:
Feb 2004
Location:
Bangalore
Posts:
162
Send a message via Yahoo to sillylilly
  • sillylilly is offline
#8
I think Andhras are not too unlucky in the women-hanging-off-arm department because the names are somewhat shorter. All the Reddys, Rajus, Raos and Choudhrys don't do too badly. Tamilians do take the cake with loooooooooog names - Sri Lankans have even longer names.
#9 May 27th, 2004, 23:52
albaruni Future Member
Posts:
n/a
#9
I think the article, funny though it is, is steriotyping 101. Poor tamils. They're paying a price for being conservative.They have MY sympathy...for what it's worth.(Long names don't nescesarily translate to less sex, that way, al gore should have more sex than leonardo di caprio) ....or kamalahasan less sex than om puri....

Sillylilly, there was a telegu guy in the bay area who had a restaurant called pasand , that had women hanging on his arms...his name was ...reddy....

#10 May 28th, 2004, 09:35
Join Date:
Jan 2004
Location:
Bangalore
Posts:
99
  • stormysky is offline
#10
My real name is Sriram Krishnamoorthy..
Sriram.... Not that bad... I guess
#11 May 28th, 2004, 11:31
Join Date:
Dec 2003
Location:
London, UK
Posts:
199
Send a message via Yahoo to rikko
  • rikko is offline
#11
The Pasand restaurant owner did not have women hanging off his arms because of his name, he was importing them for his restaurant as workers and using them or abusing them.
Amrik

Similar Threads

Title, Username, & Date Last Post Replies Views Forum
article on shiva Mar 21st, 2005 04:42 0 1901 Spirituality and Religion in India
Israelis in Kashmir article - bbc Sep 2nd, 2004 03:35 8 3355 Jammu & Kashmir
The Pick-Up Paradise (Article on Mcleod) Aug 4th, 2004 16:01 51 8097 Himachal Pradesh


Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Forum Rules»
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.3.2
© IndiaMike.com 2018
Page Load Success