Help, I have a huge decision to make!

kitkat141

This is actually my first post on this forum, so hello, everyone! *waves*

I'm a 26-year-old female living in the USA, in the Midwest. My boyfriend is from India and is working as a contractor here. We have a pretty serious relationship. We spend most of our free time together. We don't live together, but in a few weeks I'm basically moving next-door to him.

Over the past year or so I've been casually learning Hindi. He is from Gujarat, so Hindi isn't actually his native language, but I can practice it with all of the other Indians I hang out with, so it's more useful to me right now.

Now here is the issue: He has come to the decision that he wants to move back to India. This will most likely be a year from now... maybe a little less. The reason is that he does not want to miss all of the events which happen in the lives of his family. He also loves India very much, in a patriotic way.

He's asked me to decide if I'd be able to move to India with him (assuming our relationship works out well). He likes to plan out the future, and he doesn't want to risk a more painful breakup a year from now if I decide India isn't right for me.

So, hypothetically, would I be able to live in India.... forever?

How would I know, I've never even been to India!
Well he says when the US economy stabilizes and he's more confident he'll get back into the US afterward, that he'll take me to India so I can experience it and more easily come to a decision. But I don't know when that is going to be, so I am looking for some information right now.

Most of you probably love India, but seriously... what are the biggest issues I might face as a white American girl living in Ahmedabad?

Here are a few which I've already been warned about (but could still use your perspectives on!):
- People staring at me all of the time
- Unsafe for me to roam around alone
- Cleanliness standard not being what I am used to (my boyfriend ever says he is disgusted by the public restrooms sometimes)
- Communication (English and a little Hindi are not enough, so I'd also need to learn Gujarati)

Things I don't really need to worry about:
- A place to live. He's already taken care of that.
- Working, at least for the first year.

I do have some other concerns (obviously like 100 more!), but I'll stop there for now. Any advice?

Nick-H

You have to give it a try, at least.

If you can for a taster, please do. Packing your bags and moving would be a little extreme!

The things that bother you about the India you don't yet know, true or untrue, you very likely won't notice in a year. The things that charm you at first, along with the things that seem so strange, will become your normal. Things that you haven't even thought of will be driving you mad!

... Much like any relationship. really!

federica

My first question would be: How strong is your love for him? (Don't need to answer it here )

If you go for a short time to India for a test, most probably you will be shocked about some things, and you will love the others. At least such a test visit can help to realize whether India is a no-no for you.

After some time in India you'll get used to the shocking ones, but realize that some other annoying stuff comes up. As everywhere in this world.

If you really love this guy and feel that your love can help to overcome some problems, I'd say go for it. You won't be the first American woman in Ahmedabad

shashank.aggarwal

This forum is full of members like you and questions and answers, just explore a bit and you will find all the answers to any question you would ever have.

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Spineless

Travelogue - Around India

theicarus

.. like a great excuse to take a month off and travel across India on your own!

But seriously, there are thousands who have been the same position as you are, and have chosen to stay in India. So you are not alone. The only way to know is to experience it yourself so Nick's suggestion to dip your toes in to the water is a good one.

sarkar

Whatever we advice here at the end Its you who have to take the decision.

Anyway honestly speaking settling to a 3rd World Country from a 1st world country will not be easy. I think you should visit India once or twice before taking any decision.

I would have crossed 7 seas to live a moment with my love.



Mod Note - I agree with the sentiment expressed in blue, sarkar, but only moderators may use blue letters!! Thanks.

basel

I am from Switzerland but I am Inida-Addicted! Go for a few weeks - check if you could handle it - some they can, some they don't!

There is nothing in between: you love it or you hate it. I LOVE IT!

steven_ber

How are his family?

If you marry, are you expected to provide a dowry?

Will his family want to control you?

Do you know the role a wife plays in a marriage in some families in India?

Will you be expected to play that role?

Can you live with the poverty? (I assume you'll live in a good area, but you'll still have to deal with the poverty)

Are you comfortable not drinking alcohol?

Are you ok eating mainly vegetarian food?

What religion is he?

Are you aware of the communal tension that sometimes happens in Gujarat?

Is the area you will move to likely to be affected by any communal tension?

Are you ok with waiting forever to get the simplest thing done by a workman?

Can you handle 48 degree heat in the summer?

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Boston123

And don't forget, you will be without the social support system( family/ friends/ others) you are accustomed to, in the US. As Nick mentions, it is best to do a short trial, to see how you thrive in the real India, for a short extended period( more than just what you would spend on a vacation).

namaste_cat

kitkat141, I think steven_ber's questions get right to the core issues, and if you answer them honestly, you'll start to get a sense of what you might be up against.

Living in Ahmedabad is very different from being in Bombay or even a mid-sized city like Pune in terms of attitudes of people, access to things. There's the general issue of living in India and dealing with it, then there's his family itself. All that is not unsurmountable if you two have a strong relationship. Ultimately, it boils down to that.

I've weighed in more than 1 thread similar to yours, including this one:
I thought i was Indiana Jones.....
& this one titled
Married to foreign nationals

I suggest you also take a look at these threads as well which cover these topics:
romanian married to an indian

and this thread has several other similar ones linked:
Love the (indian) man... will I love life in India

Oh and there's also a living in a joint family thread which you might want to look at as well.

I have a 15-yr old 1/2 Indian-1/2 American daughter who has visisted India each yr since she was born, and honestly I can't see her moving to India any time soon. I'd support her if she did of course but suffice it to say it would be a huge adjustment for her even w/ her experience.

Bottom line - whatever you decide, you must visit first. Trust me, it's not a should, it's a must.

goingback

I have lived in different countries for a couple of years at a time and I think Boston is right. THe social support system is very important. That is what I missed most when I lived away from home. Yep, best advice - give it a go, you don't have to set it in stone you can but try.

Steven Ber's stuff may seem extreme but it is essential you give some thought to it if you are planning "forever".

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Kayde

Ahmedabad is not a bad city. I am blue eyed blonde from the US ---India people were not mean to me they were always so nice and polite to me. So what if they stare they are just curious---- I lived there for about 21 months and loved it. My ideas on this ----if you love your boyfriend you can manage anything. India is not a bad place you just have to make the best the best of things----

theyyamdancer

I wish you every happiness in your endeavour kitkat141 and think you have already received excellent advice so far in this thread. Speaking as someone who has lived more time outside of their native country than in it (albeit not in India), I would ask you to consider issues like:

. are you strong enough of a personality to not take it personally when the culture you are used to differs radically from the one in which you will be living from now on? You hint at this with issues of staring and hygiene. But there are far wider concerns than those such as the notion of the extended family and lack of privacy. Would you be comfortable with these? Would you want to be discouraged from reading a book with the comment that it is anti-social? Would you be happy to entertain unexpected drop-in visitors at all hours? And with a smile on your face?

. do you have inner resources to prevent boredom or strong hobbies which you can take with you to India, like a creative pursuit or desire to learn Gujarati fluently? Will you mind if initially you don't understand what your future friends and family are talking about? Will it matter to you if you are the only foreigner in social gatherings?

Just a few things to think about.

As all the others have said, don't burn your bridges immediately, take it in baby steps, a few months at a time. You mind find you love it as so many others have done!

But then there is also the reverse of the coin where you will adapt so well that when you go "home" it will be like a foreign country to you. That is not the end of the world either, just another consideration.

Good luck.

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"Wandering seemed no more than the happiness of an anxious man." - Albert Camus

stepmyrjov

kitkat,

I am an 25 year-old American, who has recently moved to India. However I reside in Kolkata, with my Bengali husband, and his mom, dad, and sister.

1. The staring is pretty much a daily thing. When I first moved here it was much tougher than it is now. People would stare at me as I walked around the apartment complex where I live. Now, its common, and I tend to laugh about it. Because you see one Indian guy always motioning to his friends, and then they turn and stare, and you can only imagine what they are saying. I've even had one such guy wave and smile at me. So pretty much, you get used to it after a while. =D

2. Unsafe...well that depends on the neighborhood you live in and how well you know the surroundings. I don't go out alone very much, and am very leery about it, mostly because I don't speak the language and I will likely get ripped off if I try to go out!! However, I do know my way around to the places I need to go, i.e. Arambaghs (the local grocery store) and Ramakrishna Mission Institute of Culture, where I am taking Bengali lessons.

3. Yes, the cleanliness...once you get over the smell of the outside its not all that bad. In the house I live in we have a cleaning lady who every 7 days a week (unless she is sick) and sweeps and mops the floor. Yes, some places have really nasty bathrooms. I tend to avoid using bathrooms like that! =D

4. Communication...ahhh yes. That's the big problem. I speak only English and a **VERY** little bit of Bengali (the predominant language in Kolkata)...although I am learning it, it is hard to communicate with Maa (my Indian mother-in-law) as she is the only one in the house to not speak English. I usually make sure I have someone with me who can translate! =D

I have only been here 2 1/2 months, and I already am loving it. The food...the culture...everything. Its your choice, and hey! if you don't like it, you can always move back to the US later.

If you want to know more about my experiences you can email me at stephaniedasguptaATgmailDOTcom .

cheers
- stephanie

Wildhorse

Steven's post sums it up perfectly.

Just some simple yet so very important questions. Very much to the point, Steven!