Dealing With Loneliness

clint_bond · Sep 19th, 2008, 01:22

Kit-Cat,

What's your appetite for and opinion of spirituality? Have you been fascinated by the possibilities that India can offer in this regard? To be clear, I'm not asking you whether you are a religious person or not. I ask only to determine if this is a window that you may want to explore. If yes, you can forget about boredom.

Clint

Kit-Cat · Sep 19th, 2008, 01:45

Quote:

Originally Posted by clint_bond

Kit-Cat,

What's your appetite for and opinion of spirituality? Have you been fascinated by the possibilities that India can offer in this regard? To be clear, I'm not asking you whether you are a religious person or not. I ask only to determine if this is a window that you may want to explore. If yes, you can forget about boredom.

Clint

Hello,

Spirituality and I are still coming to an agreement as to how to coexist. When the agreement is finalized, I'll start checking this side of India out.

Thank you for the suggestion, though!

clint_bond · Sep 19th, 2008, 01:49

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kit-Cat

Hello,

Spirituality and I are still coming to an agreement as to how to coexist. When the agreement is finalized, I'll start checking this side of India out.

Thank you for the suggestion, though!

You are welcome.

Clint

manali4now · Sep 19th, 2008, 02:40

I had similar situation as you living in Iran. Being stuck inside all day. Family members felt I needed a chaparone all the time and a taxi to get anywhere. Additionally, in Iran the people there do not speak English. Not like the Indians who use it is a second language practically.

My suggestion to you is to become bold.

1) There will never be any harm to you if you are in public places. Dress modestly in salwar Kamiz. Get to know your local shopkeepers where you buy your staples. Make small trips to buy things at the shops or fabric shops.

2) Many people speak English and if you absolutely need help for translation, ask for help.

3) I have travelled as a single female throughout India for the past 13 years! If you walk, drive by rickshaw, or are in places where there are other people, you are generally very safe! If you feel like you are harassed all you need to do is yell, "Help!" and generally people come running.

4) Indians are very curious about foreigners and so they will look at you and check you out. No harm in their candid nature. And they love children and babies....so another reason they would take interest in you.

5) Get some good tv that has CNN, HBO, BBC, Travel & Living Network.

Haylo · Sep 19th, 2008, 03:10

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kit-Cat

The neighborhood is generally safe, but I generally feel more comfortable with him since walking with the baby generates so much interest.

Is interest such a bad thing? I am not in the habit of wandering round with babies, but when I have walked dogs for friends, they certainly get people talking* and I imaging your baby would do the same.

*Even if you don't speak a word of the language, you can get an awful lot of friendly communication done, and it would be a great way to learn.

Quote:

I am the only one in the house not working outside the house, so am by myself quite often.

I can't imagine how NUTS it would drive me to not have that escape. Are you okay about not working at all in the long term? Perhaps you could help out with some voluntary project, even if it's just an hour or two a day. I do realise that some people are happy not to work, but it's a great way of combating loneliness.

carlaeb · Sep 19th, 2008, 03:14

Do you have help with the baby? A lot of new moms feel this way, even when they are not in a foreign country. Sounds like you are coping with HUGE changes in life! Are you able to go home and visit your family and friends and show off the little one? Can they come see you? Sometimes visitors and a trip can breathe new life into a situation.

My suggestions are assuming you have help with the baby. I know that not all new moms have time for themselves. But if you do, is there a creative hobby you can pursue to cope with the boredom? Perhaps there is a craft (like stained glass or sewing) that you've always wanted to learn? Maybe a subject you've wanted to research or read about? Sounds like you and your mother and law are on decent terms. Can you practice the language with her? Can you ask her to teach you some things she knows? Many Indian women are excellent cooks or know how to knit or something like that. Bonding with your mother in law might not only help with the boredom, but it might gain you a friend too? What about an artistic pursuit like photography? India is a shutterbug's dream!

OK, now for the loneliness. I think you should be honest with your husband and let him know that you must have friends. It sounds like he is busy and perhaps struggling a bit with money, but it sounds like if it is at all possible, he must find a way to take you out at least once a week. Leave the baby with grandma and take a rickshaw together if you are uncomfortable bringing the baby in the rickshaw and can't afford a cab. Does your husband have friends in India? Can't you go to their houses and they come to yours? Maybe you can make friends with his friends' wives?

Finally, maybe this has been addressed later on in the thread, but where are you located? Maybe you can hook up with other India Mikers?

Additional Info:
Kit Kat, I have read the rest of the thread, and I wanted to add that it sounds like you have a wonderful life. I think you are just overwhelmed with all the new changes, and that is perfectly natural!

Once you get settled in, I see you getting on a comfortable chit-chat basis with the neighbors who are so interested in the baby. I see you practicing languages with the maid and your mother in law. Then during the day you will enjoy your baby, practice the piano and work on your SECOND (wow!) novel. You will learn to take taxis with the baby and auto rickshaws while your m-i-l babysits. You will meet other India Mikers in Pune and get some girlfriends! And of course your baby will be learning something new every day!

Good luck!

Nick-H · Sep 19th, 2008, 03:14

Quote:

My husband doesn't feel comfortable about me taking rickshaws or things like that, especially with the baby.

Then tell him to take you to live somewhere where he does.

Or consider that having a life is more important than keeping him 'comfortable'.

If you allow yourself to be restricted in this way, ultimately you must accept that that is your choice.

Haylo · Sep 19th, 2008, 04:15

Soundsl like he is feeling over protective, and to be fair rickshaws are not the safest transport in the world for a baby.

Still, presumably you have a pair of legs..!

Nick-H · Sep 19th, 2008, 05:55

Nothing in India is the safest in the world.

Haylo · Sep 19th, 2008, 13:40

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nick-H

Nothing in India is the safest in the world.

Mangoes. Hardly any pointy edges at all.

Nick-H · Sep 19th, 2008, 13:55

I disagree. Just try swallowing the stone!

NowInBangalore · Sep 19th, 2008, 14:04

Kit-Cat, So your in-laws are not home during the day? That must be very lonely, no adult to talk to. It is always hard to move to a new city, baby or not.

Pune is a very "forward-looking" place, from what I have heard. Take the baby and go to a mall, wander around, shop, sit and drink coffee. The baby will look at all the people, the lights - that is quite entertaining. I used to do that a lot with my first child.

Just be careful about slipping into post-partum depression. (Loneliness, Sadness, assessing yourself poorly, getting angry at family members) That happens a lot. Brooke Shields wrote a book about it that is pretty explicit.

Best is to get together with other mothers for playdates, tea, trip to the bookstore, etc.

NowInBangalore · Sep 19th, 2008, 14:05

>I disagree. Just try swallowing the stone!

But reflex will stop you from swallowing the stone. So it IS safe.

Nick-H · Sep 19th, 2008, 16:53

Reflexes are maybe supposed to stop us doing many stupid things in life --- but we still manage!

Kit-Cat · Sep 20th, 2008, 01:08

Hello,

For the attention thing, I don't like to draw a lot of attention to myself. I get too uncomfortable, and I don't want to make the baby nervous because of that. So that's why I prefer to take walks with my husband. The baby still attracts attention, but I am calmer so she is as well.

For the working thing, I try to help my husband when I can. We're starting an architecture firm. I also have been doing some proofreading and copy work for a company nearby every once in a while.

I think the main issue is, back in Philadelphia, I was very independent and could go where ever I wanted, when I wanted to do it. I knew the train system (anyone have any good SEPTA stories?) and my husband and I were very good about sharing our car. Here, I am completely dependent on him, which is difficult for both of us. He feels bad that I've lost so much in that regard. We have considered moving back, but with the amount of money we spent to get here, we feel we need to give it an honest try to settle in. It has been hard on both of us. We had restaurants and other places at which we were regulars there; we haven't found replacements here as yet.

We both have enjoyed this forum in the past couple of days. My husband might sign up as well considering he has been posting almost as much as I have!

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Sep 19th, 2008, 01:22	#16
clint_bond Account Closed Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Richmond, Virginia Posts: 77	Kit-Cat, What's your appetite for and opinion of spirituality? Have you been fascinated by the possibilities that India can offer in this regard? To be clear, I'm not asking you whether you are a religious person or not. I ask only to determine if this is a window that you may want to explore. If yes, you can forget about boredom. Clint

Sep 19th, 2008, 02:40	#19
manali4now Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: USA Posts: 71	I had similar situation as you living in Iran. Being stuck inside all day. Family members felt I needed a chaparone all the time and a taxi to get anywhere. Additionally, in Iran the people there do not speak English. Not like the Indians who use it is a second language practically. My suggestion to you is to become bold. 1) There will never be any harm to you if you are in public places. Dress modestly in salwar Kamiz. Get to know your local shopkeepers where you buy your staples. Make small trips to buy things at the shops or fabric shops. 2) Many people speak English and if you absolutely need help for translation, ask for help. 3) I have travelled as a single female throughout India for the past 13 years! If you walk, drive by rickshaw, or are in places where there are other people, you are generally very safe! If you feel like you are harassed all you need to do is yell, "Help!" and generally people come running. 4) Indians are very curious about foreigners and so they will look at you and check you out. No harm in their candid nature. And they love children and babies....so another reason they would take interest in you. 5) Get some good tv that has CNN, HBO, BBC, Travel & Living Network.

Sep 19th, 2008, 03:14	#21
carlaeb I can change my title?!! (...nothing witty to say) Join Date: May 2008 Location: Candolim Posts: 526	Do you have help with the baby? A lot of new moms feel this way, even when they are not in a foreign country. Sounds like you are coping with HUGE changes in life! Are you able to go home and visit your family and friends and show off the little one? Can they come see you? Sometimes visitors and a trip can breathe new life into a situation. My suggestions are assuming you have help with the baby. I know that not all new moms have time for themselves. But if you do, is there a creative hobby you can pursue to cope with the boredom? Perhaps there is a craft (like stained glass or sewing) that you've always wanted to learn? Maybe a subject you've wanted to research or read about? Sounds like you and your mother and law are on decent terms. Can you practice the language with her? Can you ask her to teach you some things she knows? Many Indian women are excellent cooks or know how to knit or something like that. Bonding with your mother in law might not only help with the boredom, but it might gain you a friend too? What about an artistic pursuit like photography? India is a shutterbug's dream! OK, now for the loneliness. I think you should be honest with your husband and let him know that you must have friends. It sounds like he is busy and perhaps struggling a bit with money, but it sounds like if it is at all possible, he must find a way to take you out at least once a week. Leave the baby with grandma and take a rickshaw together if you are uncomfortable bringing the baby in the rickshaw and can't afford a cab. Does your husband have friends in India? Can't you go to their houses and they come to yours? Maybe you can make friends with his friends' wives? Finally, maybe this has been addressed later on in the thread, but where are you located? Maybe you can hook up with other India Mikers? Additional Info: Kit Kat, I have read the rest of the thread, and I wanted to add that it sounds like you have a wonderful life. I think you are just overwhelmed with all the new changes, and that is perfectly natural! Once you get settled in, I see you getting on a comfortable chit-chat basis with the neighbors who are so interested in the baby. I see you practicing languages with the maid and your mother in law. Then during the day you will enjoy your baby, practice the piano and work on your SECOND (wow!) novel. You will learn to take taxis with the baby and auto rickshaws while your m-i-l babysits. You will meet other India Mikers in Pune and get some girlfriends! And of course your baby will be learning something new every day! Good luck!

Sep 19th, 2008, 04:15	#23
Haylo Structural Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Delhi / Worcestershire Posts: 5,753	Soundsl like he is feeling over protective, and to be fair rickshaws are not the safest transport in the world for a baby. Still, presumably you have a pair of legs..!

Sep 19th, 2008, 05:55	#24
Nick-H This is just a cameo appearance Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Chennai, India Posts: 35,898	Nothing in India is the safest in the world.

Sep 19th, 2008, 13:55	#26
Nick-H This is just a cameo appearance Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Chennai, India Posts: 35,898	I disagree. Just try swallowing the stone!

Sep 19th, 2008, 14:04	#27
NowInBangalore Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Bangalore, India Posts: 153	Kit-Cat, So your in-laws are not home during the day? That must be very lonely, no adult to talk to. It is always hard to move to a new city, baby or not. Pune is a very "forward-looking" place, from what I have heard. Take the baby and go to a mall, wander around, shop, sit and drink coffee. The baby will look at all the people, the lights - that is quite entertaining. I used to do that a lot with my first child. Just be careful about slipping into post-partum depression. (Loneliness, Sadness, assessing yourself poorly, getting angry at family members) That happens a lot. Brooke Shields wrote a book about it that is pretty explicit. Best is to get together with other mothers for playdates, tea, trip to the bookstore, etc.

Sep 19th, 2008, 14:05	#28
NowInBangalore Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Bangalore, India Posts: 153	>I disagree. Just try swallowing the stone! But reflex will stop you from swallowing the stone. So it IS safe.

Sep 19th, 2008, 16:53	#29
Nick-H This is just a cameo appearance Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Chennai, India Posts: 35,898	Reflexes are maybe supposed to stop us doing many stupid things in life --- but we still manage!

Sep 20th, 2008, 01:08	#30
Kit-Cat Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Pune Posts: 23	Hello, For the attention thing, I don't like to draw a lot of attention to myself. I get too uncomfortable, and I don't want to make the baby nervous because of that. So that's why I prefer to take walks with my husband. The baby still attracts attention, but I am calmer so she is as well. For the working thing, I try to help my husband when I can. We're starting an architecture firm. I also have been doing some proofreading and copy work for a company nearby every once in a while. I think the main issue is, back in Philadelphia, I was very independent and could go where ever I wanted, when I wanted to do it. I knew the train system (anyone have any good SEPTA stories?) and my husband and I were very good about sharing our car. Here, I am completely dependent on him, which is difficult for both of us. He feels bad that I've lost so much in that regard. We have considered moving back, but with the amount of money we spent to get here, we feel we need to give it an honest try to settle in. It has been hard on both of us. We had restaurants and other places at which we were regulars there; we haven't found replacements here as yet. We both have enjoyed this forum in the past couple of days. My husband might sign up as well considering he has been posting almost as much as I have!