Can this inter-cultural relationship make it??

nico-chan

Hi. I'm an American girl (23) who fell for an Indian national. We met in the states but he left to go back to his home in Hyderabad last Nov. We are pretty serious and I had absolutely no doubts about our making it work. After a year I was planning on following him back to India.
I actually have just come back from Hyderabad last week after a 2 week visit. It made me realize how different our lives really are! But it doesn't really daunt me. The one thing i noticed after meeting his very traditional family and his HUGE extended family is how I may never truely fit in with them or their culture...I mean I'm not one to be afraid of different cultures either. I mean I'm half japanese and absolutely see myself living abroad....but will they accept me?

I guess I'm just wondering if there's anyone out there who is a foreigner involved with an Indian national and living in India. How do you make your relationship work? Is there any advice you may have? Any stories? I guess I would just like to feel that I'm not alone! Thanks.

edwardseco

I am not in India right now (but just came back from a nice Indian restaurant). For the long term the relationship depends a lot more on shared values and interests than romance. Nick is an India nut. That makes for a big plus. Romance erodes without a centrality of interests. Nick is the romantic but he misses the condition that favors him. I would be back to India in a flash if my boss would let me. However, with perfect Bengali logic she says, I owe therefore to work I go.
Also, you don't marry with an individual in this circumstance. You marry the family. This a very serious matter. My status was lower than a lizard's belly. I was "unwashed newly borne infant" for a lot of years until my son, the first male in this generation was borne. That got me to "Shivasa" according to my dearly missed and departed mother in law. If he gets into Caltech or MIT I expect a promotion. A girlfriend comes in with even less status in a traditional family. Its a grim challenge. You will have to look at the positives you carry and subtly express them, good, well paying job, strong education, rich parents (helped out my neice's fiance). The negatives are readily apparent to the family, at least in my case. Still, I am planning a 30th anniversary in a year or two..

Alohaguy

Nico chan,
I am Indian and married a girl from Tokyo. We lived in India for about 3 years after marriage. Then moved to Tokyo and then about 29 years ago to USA. Living in India for a foreigner requires lot of fortitude (Konjo in Japanese!). Nick is a veteran at it!! If you are going to be living just the two of you as a couple and not with the extended family, I would say go for it! If it doesn't work out, both of you can move to US. If you are going to be living with his family, think twice (or 3 times or four times) before jumping in. They are nice people and you are a nice person. But when two sets of nice people live day in and day out together, it is not so nice.
As Edwardseco said, you are marrying a family and not this one individual. We too celebrated our 36th anniversary last month.
Good Luck.

ChocolatNY

hey chococat! i wish i'd thought of that handle coz i love cats too!

ok, i don't mean to discourage you.. but double standards abound in india, and there's just more pressure on the woman/daughter-in-law to conform. the joint family scenario can be very challenging... it would be a lot easier on you if you two would get your own place in india, or better yet if you make your home in the USA. a certain amount of space in relationships is essential to harmony.

anyway, a lot depends on your own attitude and your capacity to "adjust"... as edwardseco said, you have look past the romance of the initial years and see if you have the shared values to make the marriage last. you may very well see your boyfriend in a different light after marriage.. i have seen some indian men change their personality/attitude according to the cultural values/norms of the country/social environment they're living in. your boyfriend may behave one way in the States and differently when he's home. i don't mean to scare you at all, i'm just trying to prepare you for certain issues that might come up. anyway, you said that you're half japanese, i'm sure you must have some idea of what it takes for inter-cultural relationships to work.

it's very encouraging to read of successful inter-cultural marriages in the above posts as i too am engaged to a non-indian. i wish you all the best!

__________________
We are Pilgrims; we shall go
Always a little further: it may be
Beyond that last blue mountain barred with snow
Across that angry or that glimmering sea...

Nick-H

Hey! There are people here who have been here far, far, longer than I have; I don't think I have veteran status until five, maybe ten years. I've been here three, and married for two.

That's just about long long enough to have been through the first attacks of finding out what India is like behind the smiles and the frustrations of living here!

We are both a lot older, and both my wife's parents died quite a long time back, so I never did the marrying-the-family thing either. So, you see, I am not really so very India-experienced!

How life will be for you depends on you and your husband. You might establish yourself in a successful career. The family may approve or disapprove, but, if you are not living with them then that is their problem. It is the feedback that you get from your husband that counts. The two of you should be very clear about what you both want out of life and each other.

The stereotypical role of an Indian wife is something that a young American woman might well not like at all. And there are plenty of Indian women living that life. There are also plenty of Indian men that expect a woman to live that life, even if it doesn't seem like it before marriage.

There are also plenty of Indian women with careers; the two most senior people we deal with at our bank are both women, for instance.

How you get on with the community around you will depend on where you live, and, as anywhere in the world, the individuals. I've lived accross the road from old, orthodox brahmins whose reaction, over two years, changed from horror at my moving into the street to ignoring me. I also had good friends in that street, both Brahmin and not. Where we are now I don't have so many friends among the neighbours, partly because our house is well set back from the road, and partly because it is a much less posh area, and there is more of a language problem for a lingo-duffer like me.

You really have to take a long, cool look at the cautions raised by everyone on this thread so far. NYC uses the word 'adjust'. 'Adjustment' is what makes arranged marriages work, and guess which partner has to do the most adjusting!

__________________
.


Just one member of the IndiaMike Mod Team

jow

I am Indian and married to a Chinese. We two gel very well. I am not as senior as edwardseco and Alohaguy. I am still in US however my parents visited me here (for quite three months) and my in-laws visited us here and we visited them in China.

The one think which I could gather from all the interaction that because I am married to a Chinese, my parents does not expect much(expectations of any kind) from their daughter-in-law i.e. my wife compare to what they might have with my brother’s wife who is Indian. Similarly my wife does not expect much from them. And vice-versa with Chinese-in-laws and me. And thing goes well.

About the shared values and long term relationship what edwardseco is talking about, I totally agree with that. We both are scientists and initially Science was the binding factor. Later, the way both of us took it like this…I love you and care for you so I care for all those things you care for. Once this understanding is there, I don’t see any problem uptill now. Example: She known me that like most other Indians I care for my family (and extended family) too much. (this too much is her words). However I appreciate her that in our seven years of relationship and two year of married life she accepted the fact that I care for my parents and extended family. She knows that I feel happy with my extended family association and to keep me happy she supports me in my endeavor. And I do the same; I see in what she is happy and reciprocate. Luckily there is no incidence that her happiness clashed with mine and that is probably because in seven year we got to know each other very well and now we know where to draw the boundaries.

Things are changing in India…so the thought process of people. Marrying a girl even from different cast was an issue long time back (or may be still there in some families) but today I see that it is totally accepted scene in India. I am quite sure once you decide and start living in India either it will be two of you or the most you parent-in-laws will be living with you.

My personal feeling about living in a family where my parents are with me is that …it makes me more human. Contrary comments may be that I loose my status (MY STATUS) but that’s the meaning of family I derive. That more than a scientist (MY STATUS) who might be doing ground breaking research and well established in my scientific community, I am a father who comes home and play with the kid, I am son who comes whom ask the parents how they are doing, I am a husband who ask the wife how was her day and possible do all I can to make every one happy, beyond so called My Status.

But again I am still in US and how Indian surroundings can change personal behavior and attitude towards life in a family set-up I am not experienced and I can not comment on that. But a chance to live in India is a treat for any one who love and respect the life in all its aspects.

My 2.2 cents

bethey

I can't speak directly to the exact cultural mix in your relationship but I do have a lot of experience with what can be hard in a mixed relationship.

Having just gone thru this - and sadly ending a 10 year relationship partially due to this - I do have a couple of insights.

I can't stress enough that even the most loving, wonderful families do work in the context of what they know ie from a religious and cultural perspective. My former MIL loved the fact I would make her tea. That scored big with her and I thought of it as a no-big-deal type of thing. On the flip side, me not detailing every beloved thing from a doctor's appointment was seen as keeping secrets. Truth be told, I don't tell my own mom about my doctor's appointments, why would I start giving the MIL a detailed account of he said-she said?

Celebrate the similarities and respect the differences - in my case, it wasn't just a mixed relation based on culture but religion too. He was muslim and I'm christian - so we had some basic religious commonality. Key word was some. Certain things we saw completely eye to eye on and could easily be integrated in our home life. Other things - not at all. One of the biggest hurdles was finding what actions were needed to show the proper respect for the differences. Case in point - ramadan: he'd spend the weekends sleeping I'm guessing from the exhaustion of working and fasting. I needed to get my head around the fact that for a month out of the year he was out of commision on Saturday and Sunday, that there would be no traveling more than 50 miles, and a variety of other rules.

Kids can be an obstacle too. Maybe you aren't looking to have any, maybe you're looking to have a mini-army. But all I can say is talk about what you expect. Find out about how discipline was handled in his family and his expectations on how he would like it handled in your family. I didn't even think about talking in depth about this with my husband until a couple of years into the marriage - we had polar opposite ideas about disciplining kids. Then, throw religion in the mix and...well, I'm sure you get the idea. Both families will also chime in about this. Be prepared.

All that being said there is something really great, almost magical about being in a relationship with someone you love dearly. I think there are relationships strong enough and people flexible enough to make it work but it takes an awful lot of hard work.

If you have any hestitations right now, address them. If you're feeling pressure to change certain things, really think about how you'll feel, say 5 or 10 years from now. It may seem trivial now but is it something you my resent in 2014?

I know a lot of intercultural couples that have great, strong relationships and a few that ran their course [sometimes having nothing to do with cultural thing at all].

Good luck!

Sailaway

Hi noco-chan, I was born and brought up in Japan and I now live in the U.S. with my wife from India. Since I don't live in India, I can't answer your questions directly.

But I think I know a taste of what a traditional society is like. For me, the most challenging part in dealing with traditional people is that my logical / rational thinking is of very little value for them. For them, the biggest virtue is to respect and to obey people who are higher up in the rank. That way the "correct" way will be preserved, and the society will be peaceful and orderly. This may sound extreme, but if you think about it, most of the world have been that way until very recently.

Having said that, every family is different and every person has a unique personality, so you may well get along with your in-laws. As people in have IM suggested, it can be difficult. I sincerely wish you two a good luck!

mairangi_vice

I have a similar situation I guess, I met an Indian girl (also from Hyderabad) overseas, and when she came back to India, after doing the long distance thing for a while, I came too. We now live here together and we havent had too many problems. Her immediate family though have spent a lot of time living overseas, and so are quite westernised and liberal in their views on this sort of thing, but there is sometimes some tension with older family members who are more traditional and who dont speak english.

Remember that if your guys family are traditional and havent travelled much that they probably havent dealt much with non indians, so you are different and they just need to get used to that, which they will over time. My girlfriends family were quite negative towards me at first, but now we've been together for 7 years and they have either come to like me, or just accepted that they cant get rid of me!

edwardseco

That raises an important point, the length of commitment. I started out tenuous but with an important ally, my mother in law. A decade or two on you gain status. However, the usual family conflicts exist, they just don't involve me. There could be a stinger in the tail end though. I have a couple of marriages of this type, long term, breakup when the man got a nostalgic urge to return to India (often unrealistic and sad) and the other spouse said heck no. Perhaps, more flexibility could have helped such as trial stays in India. Maybe, it was doomed from the start. Its just something to be watched for. It was also my great honor to meet an elderly American lady who had married an Indian in the 1930's and lived in Ahmednagar ever since. I asked her, given her widow status, if she ever wanted to go back. She said that this was her family and why would she want to go elsewhere..

JamesW

I'm another one who met a girl from Hyderabad. We married and lived in the UK, but have spent the last couple of years living in India. I get on with her parents, but am happy to be living in another city. Partly because I like some independence, and partly because I prefer Pune! Her family are very easy going, so there has never been a problem with them. I hope you are as fortunate. Living in India has its rewards and frustrations - be sure that you can cope with the difficulties that you will inevitably face.

Aishah

Hello Nico-Chan! One of the first questions to ask yourself is how accepting were the close family of you? After your holiday in Hyderabad you might have some idea. If they made you really welcome then I am sure things will be fine - if there was a frosty distance then if your relationship is to work it might be better in another country/ or slowly that might change within his family. If you are living here it will be you who will be making most of the compromises with regard to the daily activities of his culture. Like Nick, Mr K and I wed at a mature age, and somehow I am in the fortunate position of 'getting away' with much that would be totally unacceptable if I were a village girl. To all intents and purposes we lead a very western life within the confines of our home - but outside, no. For instance we never hold arms or hands in public. If we attend a function I am expected to sit with the ladies and he will socialize with the men. We will arrive together but very rapidly he is off yakking with his buddies. This is normal North Indian men's behaviour. Might be different in the South... We do go out together as a couple for dinner in a restaurant now and then - one of my nephews remarked that Aunty you are probably the only woman in Jaisalmer who goes out with her husband without any family! As I mentioned before, I do get away with quite a lot! I can also travel independently, drive my car on my own, go to market by myself without any male family member accompanying me.
I think if I was much younger I would hesitate to get into this sort of marriage but it suits me fine at this age.
Think whether you will have to take on the role of the traditional daughter-in-law if you marry. Look at what daughters-in-law are doing in that area and see if that's what you want! Also think how you will be living together - with the family or in a flat elsewhere? These things all make a difference.

__________________
"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."

irinajones11

Possibly I cant blame the inter-cultural relationships just because mine was not a fruitful one but one thing I feel is important in such relationships. People who are serious should stay away from the family members. There would be inevitable forces who would not want this relationship to mature and in some cases the family members find it hard to accept the cultures and traditions of others. In my case the dispute commenced from the family front and it reached a point where I had to call it a quit to the relationship. Its great to see some people here who say they are living happily but happiness is something that has become an alien to me now, we loved each other dearly and the separation is not making life any good.

shakenbake8706

i have a question and im new to this site. im 20 yr old female in the united states army. and im overseas right now and one of the guys that i work with everyday twice a day is falling for me and i think im falling for him as well. hes of india descent or however u put that, but i asked him if he could visit me in america and he said yeah as long as i get to stay with u and i was like yea, but then he said something about marriage, how does that work exactlly. can someone explain this to me please....an thank you.

bethey

Hi Shakenbake8706,

Are you both in the US right now? Or, are you abroad and contemplating marriage with the thought of bringing your guy to the US?

To get a foreign national into the US as either a fiance or spouse is pretty straight forward but a long, tedious ordeal. I'm in the process of sponsoring my SO for a K1 visa. Be prepared to wait - I think under the absolute best conditionals it can take 5 months to get someone here from abroad. For many it's one to two years. The same time lines pertain to whether or not you are married but you can apply for one type of visa that will grant him a green card upon entry in the US.

There are a variety of hoops to jump thru, minimum income requirements, forms, interviews, etc, etc. Being in the military though can sometimes get you expedites and additional help. All of this can typically be done without an attorney but a lot of people hire an attorney just for ease. I believe that your JAG/legal help thru the military also has personel specifically trained to help with immigration issues.

If you are both here in the US now, depending on his type of visa, you can marry and file for an adjustment of status. [I would not recommend marrying under a tourist visa unless you can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt you had no idea of the relationship going down this path. Visa fraud is looked for left and right and the punishments can be severe, including multi year bans from the US.] Be warned that there will be an intermediate amount of time where he will not be able to travel abroad [typically about 3 months in most cases] being the adjustment going thru.

Because it's such an arduous ordeal, I'd make sure your relationship is where you want it to be - that he's "the one" and that you have a good understanding of the cultural implications, etc.