Can Indian parents minds be changed?

janeaustin

I am in love with and have been with an Indian guy. We've been seeing each other for about three plus years. I just met his parents and they liked me a lot. But here's the kicker I'm 38 and he's 27, there's a twelve year difference obviously. We want to get married and were looking for his parents blessings and they said no because of our age difference. They've lived in India all their lives and are some what traditional. But what I'm wondering is there any way we can change their minds, because he and I have talked about all the ins and outs of being married here or in India and both of us understand that it will be a lot of work either way. The biggest thing for both of us we don't feel or notice the difference in our ages. It's more a time difference. I'm mentally about the same age as him, but with the maturity that comes with my age. He's mentally the same age as me and has the same maturity as me. My parents and our friends are fully behind us, but I don't know if that would help any. Any advise, comments and/or suggestions.

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bethey

I haven't a clue if this will be helpful/insightful or what have you but did they come out and specifically say they will never give their blessings for your relationship? It could have just been out of surprise or thinking that his current relationship maybe a "phase"...Did they give ultimatims of disowning/never to speak to again, etc etc? My personal take on this is that the parents may not be overjoyed with the decisions being made and may voice concerns but in some cases it's just a mere speedbump [needing to say whatever they disagree with but then being able to move on]. If there has been a declaration of disowning or cut off of all communications, a "choose her or us" type of thing - that's a completely different scenario.

Were they aware that you have been together for the last three years? I'd think with being in a relationship that long it would show some seriousness on both of your parts.

I would guess that parents sometimes have an ideal of what they are looking for in a partner for their children. Maybe they need time to see what a great match you are for their son. I would hazard to guess that your meeting with them was somewhat short? Maybe trying to spend more time with them to show that you are a good match may help.

I believe, and someone correct if I'm wrong, that traditionally having the husband being at least slightly older is the norm and maybe that has thrown them for a loop. Maybe they are concerned about the possibility of potential grandchildren [not to be too personal]and think maybe those chances may be limited with an older woman.

Could your significant other maybe try and find out what may be at issue here [other than the huge umbrella that is "age"] and then the two of you could address it?

I'm currently in a relationship with an Indian guy too - we have had two big hurdles on the family front. First, I'm not muslim, that didn't go down well but in the end it's been accepted. Secondly, I'm divorced. The funny thing is the divorce wasn't a big deal - why I hadn't had kids with my ex given the legnth of my marriage was. But in the end and over time his family has come to realize I'm an ok person and, much more importantly, make him happy. It took time and a heartfelt letter to his mom. But everything is now on track.

I can't help but think of the comment on another thread about IndiaMike needing a relationship area - a Dear Mr. Grumpy was it?

wonderwomanusa

I suspect that one of the things your fellow's mother is objecting to is that you are on the outside edge of an age that will provide her with grandchildren. Producing one or more of those would possibly change her mind.

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machadinha

LOL WWU. I agree with the thought, but you wouldn't suggest to Jane this would be a mandatory and good way to resolve the situation unless she wants to, right?

btw Jane: I don't know. Age and other stuff means very little to me. But I'm not caught up in these intricacies either. No advice. I suppose the concern about your child-bearing capacities might very much come into play yes. As well as that of who is supposed to be "boss," i.e., older. And that idea of them having to overcome their "gulp" moment struck me as very relevant too. You say they liked you; you'd think that must be a start, and probably a very good one at that.

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abhijit.s

Parents are same every where,some are very rigid and traditional and some are flexible.As we are all aware that, when flexibility allows you to accept the change,permits you to be empathic and broaden your mind to adaptability,then life becomes much easier.But to confront rigidity, you need guts.Ask yourself,supposing you get married and your in-laws would not accept you,how it will bother you in your life.Dont forget,after all its your life where every third person may come as friend or relatative and can contribute value to your life but never ever fulfils your desire,so dont allows anyone to dictate terms.When you think that age is not a factor and his maturity is supplementary to your youthfulness,then go ahead....after all life is beautiful.

Aishah

What a nice reply, Abhijit! And I agree with all you say - age is not a factor in the equation, it's how you are together that is. I think as bethey suggests, this might just be a 'speedbump'. There may be ways to get around the parental opposition...

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piran_e

I guess time is a good healer and sooner or later his parents would accept you. It' just that you need to ask how important their accpetance is for you'll to get married. For a couple of my friends who went ahead with their intercast marriges despite opposition from both sides, have found peace and acceptance from their parents after a couple of years.

Another option you can try is to speak to some of his elder relatives and see if they lend their support to you'll. Then those relatives can speak to his parents and hopefully make them understand.

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Nick-H

Indian parents



It might help a little bit to have some background, communities vary so widely.

Even then it might not: I have, for instance, been discovering that one stereotype assumption I've held about South Indian Brahmins has so many exceptions that I might as well throw it away. It doesn't matter what, it is a trivial thing; what matters is how wrong the generalisation thing can be.

snonymous

Indians of a certain generation are tradition bound as a rule, and that is not going to change in a long while. Time is usually the healing factor. Even when Indians of different communities or religions get married, the parents and extended family [an inescapable factor] usually object. Once the children come along, all differences melt away [usually] and the grandparents delight in their grandchildren, everyone becomes happy families again. Ive experienced this with several of my cousins as well.

In your particular case, the age factor comes to play over and above the difference in communities, for various reasons, as other members have pointed out. My opinion, for what it is worth, would be to go ahead and get married, since that is what both of you want. If you so desire, and can produce a child asap, that would most certainly be sure to bring the parents around. Also, make an extra effort to win his parents around. At the end of the day, they are his parents, he is their child. The sooner they come around, the happier everyone will be. Sometimes, it may not be the parents, but some 'well meaning' elders in the extended family, that may be putting spokes in the wheel. It is a sensitive situation, and I wish you all the very best.

janeaustin

Thank you all for such wonderful advice. To cover a few questions, his mother did raise the question about children before and we went ahead checked it out and I can still have kids. We're more than willing to start our family right away.

Unfortunately I wouldn't be able to spend more time with his parents because of my dumb job.

To answer the question about where he's from that would be the state of Punjab and his family lives in Chandigarh.

Right now we're trying to figure out a way to answer any questions they might have, of course it would help if I knew what the questions are.

My suggestion is to present to his parents a video from my family and our friends about how good a match we are, since I can't go out there at this time.

I do have a question for Bethey about the heartfelt letter to your husband's mom. Was that before you got married or after? Because I was kinda of thinking about the same thing, but maybe I could do it in the video.

machadinha

A very personal take: To have children to please anyone else or even yourself I find the dumbest idea in the world.

capt_mahajan

Not making light of the thread, but

Just in case my kids ever read this, NO.

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Aishah

Not dumb to have children as a mutual decision between married couples, Mach. Children can bring a lot of pleasure into a family. Not a good idea though to have them just to please the in-laws or parents.


cross-posted with Capt: LOL

Nick-H

One of the dafter reasons to have children.

janeaustin

Of course what I said looks a little suspect, but we are not planning to have children to please his parents. We are planning to have children because that's what we want, not his parents. What we were trying to do is if the question did come up we would at least have an answer. So, I agree that having kids to please other family members is not cool.