Ahaaaaa.... I hate living in a Joint Family..... Help please

crystalzach3

Hi,
I am an American who has been married to an Indian for 10 years now. We lived in the u.s. for the first 6 years of our marriage, had our own lives, home, finances, life, kids, food, home, the list is endless.
Now we moved her 4 years ago for my husband to pursue his flying career he had been working so hard on for the last 8 years.
Now I new this was a bad idea in the beginning but agreed to it when we moved here. We moved into his parents house!!!!! It was to be for 1 year only. Well the way things work in India, and my husband working for a gov company, things took longer then expected to move out.

Now almost 4 years later, we are more then able to take care of ourselves and we both earn more money then we can spend. Now here is my problem. My husband promised.... PROMISED!!! We would move out when he made 1st officer. Well that was six months ago. Now he decided to take 2 new car loans - 1 for me, and 1 for his dad . Which now is eating up about 40k a month. Okay no big deal, more then enough money still to live in a nice place and set up house again. But my problem is, he just seems so comfy living here. I really hate my in-laws. I have been holding my tongue for so long, I just dont know how much longer.

Every time I ask my husband about moving, he comes up with so many excuses on why we shouldn't. Okay, I must admit, i agree to some of them. But I really hate living here. I am not part of their family. His family really never accepted me into their house. I am always told, this is my husbands house, my kids house, but not my house. What do I do????????????
How do I make him realize? How can I get him to move???

Haylo

Did he make that promise in front of his parents?

If not, and I doubt he did, this will be news to them and you will have a harder struggle ahead of you.

Yes, and to him it is the norm, even though he promised you otherwise.

Tell him he has got you there under false pretences, and he has six months to get you out into a place of your own.

This is not what you agreed to when you moved to India with him, and if you carry on feeling this unhappy you might end up feeling as if you have no choice but to leave his mother's house without him.

karuna

Awww hell. I hate these kinds of questions. How can I tell you what to do; I'm just not in your situation, and I am not you!

I have a feeling you're posting here because you really have had enough and know that you're going to have to seriously rock the boat. Maybe I'm a million miles from the truth there, but reading your post I think you know what you have to do. You don't feel you can carry on with the situation as it is, and it is going to have to be you that causes a huge upheaval. How you do it has to be your judgement. You know your husband best.

You didn't sign up for this when you got married, so try not to feel too guilty about kicking up a fuss about it, is all I can say. Gather up your courage and conviction, and be prepared for the possible fallout. That's about all I can suggest.

You might want to read this thread, in case you're feeling alone- there are others in not entirely dissimilar circumstances:

What to say when asked, "Do you like India?"

__________________
Mosquitos suck.

ananda2193

Sorry but I don't have advice. Just wanted to say that it sounds like hell and I feel for you. Maybe you could have a heart to heart talk with the parents and make them understand that you need your space.

ladyvetphd

Feel bad for you! If I were in your shoes, I would walk out of the house with the kids and your husband would come around. Later your in-laws too. I think you should have a serious talk with your husband and then take the step( ofcourse I hope you can manage independently on your own.

__________________
Ladyvet
http://allthingsindianbyuma.blogspot. com

capt_mahajan

I wonder if the OP has told her husband exactly how unhappy she is living there. Sometimes we indicate stuff but don't spell it out in black and white.

If she has not, perhaps it is time to do it.

If she has, perhaps it is time to escalate matters slowly starting by insisting that they move out.

Haylo

I would not do that until I had impressed on him the seriousness of the situation and given him chance to carry out his promise of a separate home.

Nick-H

Yep, it's the IndiaMike Aunty corner. Really, I don't see that this is the place, but we're not in the habit of turning people away

So here's one from Auntie Nick's collection of tales from his friends.

This one concerns an Indian couple, not mixed, so if anything it was harder for the woman to make a stand. Yes, it was a few years ago (although I'm quite sure such stuff still happens) and I'm not suggesting that your inlaws are monsters like this, but this woman was in the classic abused daughter-in-law situation. There's a thread going on here at the moment about the eating habits of Indian families; it is well known that daughters are often not give the same nutrition as sons, and this woman, the daughter-in-law was fed yesterday's leftovers. Apart from that, she fulfilled the role of skivvy and family slave.

Anyway, never mind the details. What she did, after several warnings to the husband, was to go out, find a place to rent, pack her bags and tell the husband he could come with her if he wanted, it was up to him, but she wasn't staying.

I can only add --- what justification has he got to be cosy and happy in a situation that his wife is hating? What possible reason or excuse could be good enough to cause you this unhappiness?

Draw the line. Enough.

edwardseco

My wife did this to me so I had better remain neutral. However, she handled it cleverly, understanding the male attitude to procrastinate. She arranged to obtain staff quarters! It was just a matter of telling me when to be ready to move. I was ready. The tension had communicated to me..

crystalzach3

No he never promised me in front of his parents, because we were in the U.S. at the time.

I did however go out today, and looked at a few places. Totally scratched the left side of my new car against a telephone poll.... Don't ask how it happened, it just did....... !!!

But when I came back, I called my husband in Dubai ( he's a pilot) and told him the great places I looked at, and even took pictures of each place.

He seemed happy to want to look at the pictures, and even suggested we look at the one I really liked tomorrow. I was shocked!
I could not believe those words came out of his mouth.

I was even more shocked he didn't yell at me for messing up the car. ( 2 in one day)

I think I just needed to vent...... I have so many Indian Lady friends, and non of them get it. I am completely disconnected with the ex-pat community here. By choice! But God,,, it felt good to get what I wanted to say for so long out.

I really have so much more, but I guess I will save that for a rainy day. Oh,,,,, its raining yet again in chennai.....

I would however would love to hear from other people how they have managed with my type of issues and MIL's . I feel completely lost. Thank god I wanted to work, or I would of gone completely mad staying in the house the entire day with my MIL. Few hours in the evening is just about bearable. Forget weekends. Im out and about.

puchoo

I would second that , a Joint family is more a norm rather than an exception here ...

__________________
Cheers!


Indiamike Mod team............

puchoo.wordpress.com

Nick-H

You messed upTwo Cars in one day? That's quite something!

Come and talk to my wife. She's Indian, but will completely 'get it'.

But, errr... leave the car outside .

Just joking: you should see the scratches and dents on mine

karuna

Things I have reversed into:

A church (cost: £500)
A set of steps (cost: nothing)
A supermarket trolley (cost: my friend Ol won't get in a car I'm driving again)
A muddy bog (£50 for the farmer to haul us out with his tractor. He makes quite an income with this, he says)

Haylo

Pleased to note that you haven't yet reversed into anyone's bathroom - as yet.

Was it a stealth Church?

Nick-H

B-52 Church?