American - Bengali relationship

linwei66

Hi guys! I hope this is the right place to post since my questions are specific to Bengalis. I'm an American girl and have been with my Bengali boyfriend for a year and half now. We both live in China at the moment so I have yet to meet his family and experience his home life. (I studied near Pondicherry in S.India a few years ago so living in India will not be new to me.)

We have determined that we are very compatible people but before we get married we're trying to discuss and work out all the million and one other road blocks that we're going to face.

1. Where to live? - I am ok with moving to India to live with him but I just don't think I'd be comfortable living with his family (as he is the only male in his traditional family). He has agreed to talk to his parents and work out separate living arrangements. (ie. they will probably live next door ...but i'll take what I can get) Have any of you done something similar?

2. Language - I'm studying Bengali and moving to Calcutta this Sept. (6 months before he'll be joining me there) to study Bengali and get used to the local culture. I’m hoping being able to speak some of the language will help to warm their hearts.

Now for the two BIG problems...

3. Convincing his parents - His family is, from what I gather, very traditional. Being the only male in the family, it is absolutely important for him to take care of them. They have never even seen a westerner before! He's pretty sure it will take lots and lots of discussion to get them to agree to our marriage. He's even worried some of his extended family might cut off relations. I realize Bengali's are emotional but we are both hoping that after lots and lots of discussion, meeting me and talking with me in Bengali, and some time they will come to terms with us being together.

4. Getting married – I will have to wear the bindi and sindor (the vermillion in my hair). I respect this tradition but I’m wondering if people on the streets will look at me and think I’m some sort of want-to-be hindu enthusiast? Will people realize that I’m really married to a Bengali or will I look silly like some sort of fake? I know I shouldn’t worry about what other people think but I’m just curious about how people will perceive me.

I really would appreciate any insight or suggestions on relationships with Bengalis. Have any of you married Bengalis? What hardships did you face? How have you compromised or overcome them?

Thanks! Lyndsey

jyotirmoy

Being a Bengali born & brought up in Kolkata and having witnessed similar situation I may add my few bits. Things depend up on many factors, social, economic, academic and so on making generalisation very difficult.

1. Given the family structure and he being the only male member this part would be the hardest. There will be immense pressure from family and relatives.
2. Learning Bengali will help you to understand and communicate feelings more than warming hearts.
3. Eventually people come to terms in most cases. The situation depends on many things as I said earlier. In some cases people did not come to terms.
4. You don't have to smear vermillion, many modern married women just add a small mark and some even don't.

linwei66

thanks jyotirmoy. I know there are so many variables that go into making a relationship with a partner (and the partner's family) work. I was thinking learning Bengali will allow us to communicate, therefore helping them to see that we can be a family together, work through our differences, etc.

The reason I posted about wearing the bindi and vermillion in my hair is because my boyfriend and I had a discussion about it yesterday. Wearing it is a must. Like I said, he is from a more traditional family. From our discussion my understanding is that not wearing it means he has passed away and his family won't go for that AT ALL.

jyotirmoy, as a Bengali, what would you think seeing a foreigner on the street in Indian dress and with the vermillion/bindi? negative? positive?
Thanks!

mousourik

This reminds me of the famous Kishor Kumar song "kuchh to log kahenge, logon ka kam hai kehna" (people will always say something, it's irresistible for them). If you decide to live in a metropolis like Calcutta, this will hardly matter. In cities, people won't be that much curious about personal things and you can always develop your own friend circle. But in the semi-urban / rural areas, this might become the talk of the town. I feel that there should not be any desperate effort to look like a bengali "bahu" (daughter-in-law), better be your own self. And mingling with people will help them understand you, so ill-feelings will start to reduce. If possible, try to settle out of Assam, along with your in-laws.

brishti

as they say in bengal... bell the cat on the first night.
today its sindoor - tomorrow its something else.

lyndsey: i am sure your fiance is a nice enough guy - i have no doubt about that.
but how good is he at handling the 'dos' and dont's' dictum that his family meets out?
nope, i aint trying to scare you or anything - but sons tend to behave a lil peculiar around family - especially - mama.
think jewish son and mama - or perhaps italian... i maybe getting my metaphors wrong - so feel free to chime in whoever.

lots of inter marriage threads here at the bottom - check them out for reference.


BS
lots of em bengali maidens nowadays do without sindoor except on weddings and/or special occasions.
and no - you wont look peculiar with sindoor on your head

read them threads, go check out calcutta - and take it from there.
for further clarifications - IM is always here



:brishti
oh! did i forget to mention - i'm from calcutta - and of the female spieces

edwardseco

Lots of complications and lots of variations in families. I think there is a lot of wisdom above especially Jyotirmoy. Living joint can be tough. Now my neice married and lives separate. Her inlaws pour money on her so that may help as well. My mother in law was my big supporter and since she was a fierce ex prof she held the rest of the family at bay. My status went up when we had the only male child in the immediate family. I then had a function as bearer. A lot of it is gradual acquaintance. Certainly the basics if not more in Bengali will show some commitment. I think that is what really matters, some sense that something will result over time..

Nick-H

I don't think you can do better than Jyoti and Brishti as an advice team ---which is not to say that all the rest of our Bengali, and indeed, non-Bengali, members won't have good stuff to to contribute.

I'd suggest moving the focus out a bit. Bengalis may have their own specifics, but I think you can usefully learn from the experiences of the rest of us here (quite a number these days) who are in mixed-race relationships.

But I have no inlaws, so I can't help on that front.

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capt_mahajan

I am an Indian male but..

yep



excuse my hysteria.

err many, everywhere and who said they were overcome?



More seriously... my advice

-avoid living in the same neighbourhood as the parents. Distance lends enchantment etc. Its also less of a headache with parents of only sons in Bengal. (and Punjab and...)
- avoid trying too hard to be an 'Indian' or a 'Bengali' bride/ to be. Even urban Indian women don't do that too much nowadays.
- have your own interests and keep seperate time for them
-don't sweat the small stuff
- sindoor etc is not mandatory.
- most importantly, your bf/husband should realise (or be made to ) that convincing his parents should not be on the agenda. Convincing each other should be.

my two bits. Good luck.

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Nick-H

Wow.

Unfollowable

mani

Hello Lyndsey,

Welcome to India.

I dont know much about Kolkata nor am I a Bengali.

just wanted you to know that my husband's cousin ( now in the US) is married to a bengali lady whose mother is of chinese origin from Kolkata. So there have been some similar cases.

Dont sweat the small stuff. and as the wise captn said live in a different neighbourhood from your parents in law. Distance will make them appreciate you more. I live next door to my parents in law and it sometimes drives me crazy because they will come to know everything that I do or do not do.

if staying away is not possible then make sure that you have some interest or career that take you out of the house for sometime everyday. You may need this escape.

also please accept the fact that no matter how much effort you put in nurturing your relationship with your parents -in -law you will be an outsider. this is not because you a foreigner - this is the case for all women married to the only son of the family irrespective of the no of years you have been married, no of children you have together, gender of your children, how much they love your children, how much time you spend taking care of them and looking after their comfort. This I can tell you from my own experience.

Please dont get disheartend by what I have said above. I love my parents in law & respect them like my parents but sometimes their attitude or some action brings me back to earth and makes me realise that no matter how much i try they will always find a fault with me. but then that is their problem and does not stop me from trying to make their life comfortable. like a good Indian daughter in law.

and just for the record I dont wear sindoor, bindi or even a mangalsutra. This I do for myself

Please ensure that your BF understands you and stands by you irrespective of his family's attitude. This will ensure that atleast in public or in family gatherings you will be treated with respect by the family / extended family.

enjoy your life together

mani

Sorry just realised you are an american not a chinese but the same rules apply.

brishti

jumping jesophats!!!!!!!!
bangla'r jamai

NOW it all is phalling into place - the VM muri - walk by the river - bangla spoken by a woman - specially running for cover !!!
no tram rides by the maidan cap'n?

priceless information today!!!!!!!!!!!
arre jamaibabu - indeed from today ye be cap'n jamai!!! shoot me - do i care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


:brishti

edwardseco

Sindoor is not bad. Coming back into Pune my bride and I came very well dresses accordingly. We were met by a large crowd with dye and colored powder. We had forgotten the date. One person in the crowd shouts that her husband has already put sindoor in his wife's hair so we can't. We get a free pass by.
I suggest this only works when that person worked at your wedding and you are a heavy tipper.
Some serious drawbacks to marrying a Bengali, incessant talking, always, always wanting to get in the last word, thinking they know everything and worst of all, at least in my wife's case, they seem to..

capt_mahajan

brishti, sorry to, err, rain on your parade ( ) but the wife is a bombay-ite; hardly even been to Kolkata in the last 20 years.

Back ontopic, one of the issues which the OP will have is that any family will be more 'Bengali' in Kolkata than they would be elsewhere (same applies for anywhere)- and there will be probably more of them.

Somebody did say, God gave us family. Thank God we can choose our friends

brownboy66

oh...and don't forget "but I can change [insert your name here]"...

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singsub

go ahead and marry. marrying a bengali is no easier or tougher than marrying any other kind of indian. happy to let you know that you wont be the first american/westerner bride living in kolkata - have known a few myself.