Slightly more complicated issue for unmarried couple...

shinyhappyharriet · Feb 20th, 2009, 08:33

I'm leaving on the 28th with my boyfriend (I'm 19, he's 23) for 2 months travelling around India, both of us for the first time. I've been reading these forums for a while and it seems a good to idea to let people assume we are married when booking into hotels etc.

However, there is a slightly more complicated side to it that I need advice with... A couple of years ago my Grandad (who's parents owned a tea plantation in Kurseong, near Darjeeling and he lived there until he was 14) went back to India to see where his parents lived and discovered his Dad had an affair with a Nepalese woman and had 3 illegitimate children who he subsquently left in an orphanage. Now, when my Grandad went to India a couple of years ago he discovered his 2 new sisters and his brother, and has made a few visits to go and stay with them. One of his sisters died last year, but the other one works in something between a convent and a boarding school for girls, and is heavily Roman Catholic. I would so love to go out there and visit my Indian family, especially as my Great Aunt has 2 daughters around my age - but the thing is, do I tell them that me and my boyfriend are married? I asked my Grandad but he has no idea - he obviously had no such problems! It's one thing lying to a receptionist at a hotel but it's another lying to family...

I guess I'm just asking on the off chance that anyone might have been in a remotely similar situation, or knows the general opinion of Indian people better than I do, and how they might react to an unmarried couple... Any advice is welcome!

I do apologise for the long post, but it seemed necessary to go into some detail!

Hal · Feb 20th, 2009, 08:37

So you're wondering if you hide your relationship from the illegitimate side of the family?

I think I'd be open with them, but be prepared to sleep in separate bunks for a few days.

capt_mahajan · Feb 20th, 2009, 08:37

If she is heavily Roman Catholic, she will be scandalised that you bothare unmarried and presumably living together.

In your place, I would land up anyway and see if I need to move on or not (or even out), depending on their reaction.

shinyhappyharriet · Feb 20th, 2009, 08:40

See, I don't think they'd be so horrified that they'd show any disdain, but I don't want to offend them? Would it be better for me to just say that we're friends but would that seem plausible?

capt_mahajan · Feb 20th, 2009, 08:45

I guess so. Saying that gives them an out, too. Everybody can pretend for a few days

Ciya · Jul 6th, 2009, 00:36

Its better to at least tell the truth to your family. Its not such a big deal with so many live in couples here presently. At the most you may have to sleep separately while visiting them but thats about it. If it makes you happy introduce him as your fiance or friend but dont claim to be married, that will be an outright lie. Besides they will be happy to meet you so guess wont bother about such stuff. My bf's family is from darjeeling and he grew up in a strictly catholic boarding school there. He is well acquainted with people customs etc there. I am pretty sure they will not be offended about your marital status. Nowadays things have changed and the good thing is that darjeeling gangtok and the nearby areas have a far more open society. People are pretty broad minded and accepting there. We went for holidays to those places and the near by areas also and thankfully never faced any problems. That time I was around 18, looked younger than my age and no way did we look married. We never pretended to be married also. Indian women wear vermillion and other stuff as a sign of marriage. I wore none of that, was dressed in casual jeans tee and no one even bothered asking. No one cared. You will find a lot of foreigners there and I assure you from personal experience that no one cares out there places like darjeeling, gangtok, kalimpong, peling, lava, lolegaon, rishap etc. Visit lava , lolegaon or rishap for a private romantic getaway amidst nature. All are few hours away from darjeeling. However if you are visiting other parts of india its better to act married if anyone asks as some places are conservative. Places like goa, manali, kerala, shimla etc you can stay as an unmarried couple hassle free. Usually the star properties allow unmarried couples if you have proper id proof. Avoid shady cheap motels and such places if possible, keep helpline numbers handy, use common sense and have a great holiday.

Nick-H · Jul 6th, 2009, 02:45

Hint: Check the date on the post before answering questions, it can save you time and effort.

SKH will have been and gone and be back home by a month or two back. Pity she didn't come back to let us know what happened.

Ciya · Jul 9th, 2009, 03:25

Oh yeah silly me, lol!

wonderwomanusa · Jul 9th, 2009, 06:54

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nick-H

Hint: Check the date on the post before answering questions, it can save you time and effort.

SKH will have been and gone and be back home by a month or two back. Pity she didn't come back to let us know what happened.

Well, yes, but someone else will have the same question -- and hopefully will find Ciya's reply so it won't have to be asked again!

Nick-H · Jul 9th, 2009, 14:30

Oh yes... information is unlikely to be completely wasted, and, answering ancient posts is something we all do sometimes.

kenneyjacob · Jul 11th, 2009, 21:35

I dont think anyone will bother you with your marriage certificate. Indians see foreigners differently... you are allowed to do a lot of things that we are not allowed to do. You dont have to lie to the receptionist also....

shinyhappyharriet · Oct 2nd, 2009, 05:07

Well I'm back, like nick said for a while now. We didn't actually have any problems which was a relief - I found that the family didn't really question anything and when my aunt introduced him to people he was my 'friend'. What was actually really interesting though was talking to the younger girls about the kind of relationships they're limited too... but that's a different topic! Thanks for all the advice though

edwardseco · Oct 2nd, 2009, 05:49

Quote:

Oh yes... information is unlikely to be completely wasted, and, answering ancient posts is something we all do sometimes.

Hey, that error was reserved for me..

Nick-H · Oct 2nd, 2009, 13:53

Welcome back, shinyhappyharriet, still shiny and happy by the sound of it

.

Did I mention this quote, on sex and relationships, from a middle-class young Indian woman...

The poor do whatever they want; the rich do whatever they want; we can do... nothing.

dillichaat · Oct 3rd, 2009, 20:28

Quote:

The poor do whatever they want; the rich do whatever they want; we can do... nothing.

...but we still do it anyway D) Boys will be boys and girls, girls. It still happens even though it's sometimes camouflaged as a pilgrimage with a friend of the same sex. The problems start bigtime when the family finds out.

Feb 20th, 2009, 08:33	#1
shinyhappyharriet Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: London Posts: 13	Slightly more complicated issue for unmarried couple... I'm leaving on the 28th with my boyfriend (I'm 19, he's 23) for 2 months travelling around India, both of us for the first time. I've been reading these forums for a while and it seems a good to idea to let people assume we are married when booking into hotels etc. However, there is a slightly more complicated side to it that I need advice with... A couple of years ago my Grandad (who's parents owned a tea plantation in Kurseong, near Darjeeling and he lived there until he was 14) went back to India to see where his parents lived and discovered his Dad had an affair with a Nepalese woman and had 3 illegitimate children who he subsquently left in an orphanage. Now, when my Grandad went to India a couple of years ago he discovered his 2 new sisters and his brother, and has made a few visits to go and stay with them. One of his sisters died last year, but the other one works in something between a convent and a boarding school for girls, and is heavily Roman Catholic. I would so love to go out there and visit my Indian family, especially as my Great Aunt has 2 daughters around my age - but the thing is, do I tell them that me and my boyfriend are married? I asked my Grandad but he has no idea - he obviously had no such problems! It's one thing lying to a receptionist at a hotel but it's another lying to family... I guess I'm just asking on the off chance that anyone might have been in a remotely similar situation, or knows the general opinion of Indian people better than I do, and how they might react to an unmarried couple... Any advice is welcome! I do apologise for the long post, but it seemed necessary to go into some detail!

Feb 20th, 2009, 08:37	#3
capt_mahajan Infidel Sufi Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: styx Posts: 13,606	If she is heavily Roman Catholic, she will be scandalised that you bothare unmarried and presumably living together. In your place, I would land up anyway and see if I need to move on or not (or even out), depending on their reaction. __________________ . Outside the machine

Jul 11th, 2009, 21:35	#11
kenneyjacob Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Kerala Posts: 137	I dont think anyone will bother you with your marriage certificate. Indians see foreigners differently... you are allowed to do a lot of things that we are not allowed to do. You dont have to lie to the receptionist also.... __________________ Chowara Beach, Trivandum Kerala Ponmudi Hill Station, Trivandrum Kerala

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Feb 20th, 2009, 08:37	#2
Hal . . . _ _ _ . . . Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Toronto Posts: 2,302	So you're wondering if you hide your relationship from the illegitimate side of the family? I think I'd be open with them, but be prepared to sleep in separate bunks for a few days.

Feb 20th, 2009, 08:40	#4
shinyhappyharriet Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: London Posts: 13	See, I don't think they'd be so horrified that they'd show any disdain, but I don't want to offend them? Would it be better for me to just say that we're friends but would that seem plausible?

Feb 20th, 2009, 08:45	#5
capt_mahajan Infidel Sufi Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: styx Posts: 13,606	I guess so. Saying that gives them an out, too. Everybody can pretend for a few days

Jul 6th, 2009, 00:36	#6
Ciya Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Calcutta Posts: 9	Its better to at least tell the truth to your family. Its not such a big deal with so many live in couples here presently. At the most you may have to sleep separately while visiting them but thats about it. If it makes you happy introduce him as your fiance or friend but dont claim to be married, that will be an outright lie. Besides they will be happy to meet you so guess wont bother about such stuff. My bf's family is from darjeeling and he grew up in a strictly catholic boarding school there. He is well acquainted with people customs etc there. I am pretty sure they will not be offended about your marital status. Nowadays things have changed and the good thing is that darjeeling gangtok and the nearby areas have a far more open society. People are pretty broad minded and accepting there. We went for holidays to those places and the near by areas also and thankfully never faced any problems. That time I was around 18, looked younger than my age and no way did we look married. We never pretended to be married also. Indian women wear vermillion and other stuff as a sign of marriage. I wore none of that, was dressed in casual jeans tee and no one even bothered asking. No one cared. You will find a lot of foreigners there and I assure you from personal experience that no one cares out there places like darjeeling, gangtok, kalimpong, peling, lava, lolegaon, rishap etc. Visit lava , lolegaon or rishap for a private romantic getaway amidst nature. All are few hours away from darjeeling. However if you are visiting other parts of india its better to act married if anyone asks as some places are conservative. Places like goa, manali, kerala, shimla etc you can stay as an unmarried couple hassle free. Usually the star properties allow unmarried couples if you have proper id proof. Avoid shady cheap motels and such places if possible, keep helpline numbers handy, use common sense and have a great holiday.

Jul 6th, 2009, 02:45	#7
Nick-H This is just a cameo appearance Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Chennai, India Posts: 36,213	Hint: Check the date on the post before answering questions, it can save you time and effort. SKH will have been and gone and be back home by a month or two back. Pity she didn't come back to let us know what happened.

Jul 9th, 2009, 03:25	#8
Ciya Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Calcutta Posts: 9	Oh yeah silly me, lol!

Jul 9th, 2009, 14:30	#10
Nick-H This is just a cameo appearance Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Chennai, India Posts: 36,213	Oh yes... information is unlikely to be completely wasted, and, answering ancient posts is something we all do sometimes.

Oct 2nd, 2009, 05:07	#12
shinyhappyharriet Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: London Posts: 13	Well I'm back, like nick said for a while now. We didn't actually have any problems which was a relief - I found that the family didn't really question anything and when my aunt introduced him to people he was my 'friend'. What was actually really interesting though was talking to the younger girls about the kind of relationships they're limited too... but that's a different topic! Thanks for all the advice though

Oct 2nd, 2009, 13:53	#14
Nick-H This is just a cameo appearance Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Chennai, India Posts: 36,213	Welcome back, shinyhappyharriet, still shiny and happy by the sound of it . Did I mention this quote, on sex and relationships, from a middle-class young Indian woman... The poor do whatever they want; the rich do whatever they want; we can do... nothing.