Bangalore: Moving with teenagers?

WhiteDosa

Has anyone ever moved to India with a teenager or preteen who was reluctant about going? Is it going to have extremely negative effects on them, possibly longterm, to go ahead with the move anyway??

FTR, I have a 13 yr old daughter, who has been to India once before and liked it, and is generally quite adaptable (we have moved to many different US states, but never overseas). She is not happy about the possible move, and mostly in denial/refuses to discuss it.

I also need information about schooling for this age in India, or the possibilty of homeschooling. Has anyone done it??

camelgirl

I suppose alot depends on your reasons for moving to India.

If it's work related, I don't imagine there are any choices involved, unless you want to leave your children behind with a relative. Like most children, they will probably blame you for everything anyway! Especially, teenagers.

If you are moving as a lark & dragging your kids along, well, that's a personal decision & I'm sure you will hear equal numbers of people who say it was great, the kids loved it or it was awful & the kids hated it.

Jane Goodall (the famous primatologist) raised her son in Africa along with the chimpanzees she studied!

Anyway, that probably doesn't help you but you are asking some very personal & at the same time such a major life decision, I hope other IMers can help you!

I was raised to believe that parents made the big life decisions and that children (under 18 y.o.) went where their parents went, so it's pretty clear to me.

As my folks always said, "you can do what you want when you grow-up & support yourself!" -- so I was a very grumpy teenager but I had alot of motivation to grow-up & be independant!

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Boston123

It depends. I can relate my nephew's experience when my cousin spent 3 years in India. The teenage years can be pretty tough as it is, without adding the issue of a different culture/ environment. A few things to consider:

a.) Do you have any relatives/close friends in India, who might provide a support system? When things are stressed, it helps to have relatives where your child can spend a little time, decompressing. Grandparents are great, but uncles/ aunts can be a help too.

b.)It is not unusual for kids to be stressed by the lack of infrastructure that you take for granted in the US, esp as it relates to going out with friends, participating in sports etc..

c.)The American school can provide a academic program close to what your child is accustomed to, and eases their transition back to school/ college in the US, if they choose to go there. But this is expensive !

d.) On the other hand, it can be a great learning experience,and something her classmates in the US cannot get. Even so, plan on taking periodic breaks( say 2 or 3 per year), to the extent you can afford it,where you can go to a environment away from the day to day stresses.. Examples: short trip to Thailand/ Singapore, hanging out at beaches in South India, hiking in Pindari glacier etc..


Good Luck

brownboy66

where abouts are you moving too? That can sometimes be a determination as too how good, how bad it might be. Also - is there any other family here in India or will it just be yourselves?

Friends of ours recently arrived in Delhi with a 12/13 yr old daughter - and they are finding it tough. They've come from Hong Kong where the kids had access to loads of outdoor activities, and the public transport/ facilities meant the kids could get around easily. Here - the daughter is of the opinion she is in prison. The public transport (let alone the driving on the roads) means the parents wont let kids use public transport let alone go out without adult supervision. As for outdoor activities, they've found some sports at present although it can mean a bit of a hike to get around. That will change once the heat hits as 45 degrees plus all but rules out all outdoor activities.

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Haylo

At least it's encouraging that she did like India and is adaptable, it's not surprising that she's in denial, it's a big change for anyone to contemplate, yet alone a teenager.

Me too, and I truly valued my coming of age and new found independence, that contrast and continuing appreciation was the greatest gift that my parents gave me.

We never moved abroad, but due to my father being unwell and my mother needing to care for him, I spent a lot of my teenage years spending time with other family members, and it never even occurred to me that I might have a say in where I went!

As a family we also had lots of short holidays that involved a lot of driving, during which I was invariably ill due to severe motion sickness. I used to hate every second of the travel, but I had no choice. That is, until my 16th birthday when I bought a moped from my earnings on the farm, on my 17th a motorbike, and from then on I travelled independently on those family holidays, no matter how far it was or how long it took!

My point is that in my view kids have to go along with whatever is best for the parents. They will get their own chance to do what they want in life when they are going out to work and paying for it themselves.

Of course things like quality of education and opportunity to form friendships are absolutely vital, when making these decisions, but in my view the bottom line is that if YOU as a parent feel that you CAN provide what you consider to be a reasonable way of life for your kids, they just need to suck it up.

That must be really tough on the kids, especially after they are used to being independent and, although obviously I don't know how mature they are, I can't help wondering if it is counter productive to never let them out on their own. I wouldn't call Delhi "safe" but especially in the areas where expats live, neither is it fraught with mortal dangers on every street corner. Surely Indian kids are allowed out on their own? Oh well, at least in India adult supervision comes cheap!

That would be a big change for kids used to outdoor activities, but millions of Indian kids seem to survive it.

I think that if it was a temporary move, it would make them really appreciate what they had at home, but to give up outdoor activities for good would be pretty tough. Depends where in India you're thinking of moving to of course, on higher ground it's not a problem at all.

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camelgirl

Thanks for that Haylo, of course, I loved reading your teen "memoir", no doubt because of similar parental child-rearing styles!

My parents never traveled because it wasn't financially possible, so to them a big outing was a drive to the next town to feed the ducks in a pond or driving 2 hours to visit my grandparents!

Back to more modern teens!

We spent a week in a budget hotel in Kathmandu that had very thin walls One day we heard our neighbors having a talk with their 16 y.o. daughter. She was crying & complaining that she hated being there (WOW--the coolest place on earth for her parents & us) and missed her friends and just wanted to go home.

Of course, this was a holiday not a move.

That was very eye-opening for me. I know her parents thought they were giving her a wonderful life experience, and they were, BUT she was a teenager & to her it meant very little--her life was at home with her friends. I am sure they realized that they did this trip for themselves & hoped she'd love it but it didn't work out that way.

Then there are kids who do love it So who's to say!

We need more info from White Dosa as to where they are planning to move to. Then we can have more advice & opinions!

WhiteDosa

Okay, well, I appreciate the replies, a lot of good stuff to ponder. It would help if I gave more details wouldn't it?

We would be moving to Bangalore, and at this point it would be long term. For a short term (1 year or so) move, I would be less concerned.

I completely agree with this. And this is a major part of my concern. She is shy and a bit socially awkward and doesn't tend to make friends easily.
Also, from my understanding, there is no way we could afford an American school. If anyone knows the rates for that or other good schools for international students, would you mind posting it? Right now, I am budgeting about $1,000 for school per year. Is that reasonable (In US dollars).

Camelgirl, thanks. That does sort of put things in perspective. One of the problems is the uncertainty and the possibility of a short time to prepare her.

Boston:

A) sort of, but it would be step-inlaws which creates its own set of issues...

B)I'm sure the differences will take time to get used to. I would say as it stands, that she isn't completely a "typical American teen". She does have two recent(since about one year) hobbies that she has taken great interest in, which may be somewhat harder to pursue in India... especially on a TIGHT rupees budget (we wont be going with a job in place or a nice reloc package). Those are piano and horseback riding. (I was about to say that I am semi-against horseback riding but I will save that till I know y'all better )

C) can't afford that. Schooling is a big big concern.

D)I do think it will enrich her life if she will allow it to. She has a tendency to be negative and sulky. I suppose I need to find a way to help her deal. I will definitely enjoy the travel if we are able to afford it!

brownboy66

Mod Note

Hi WhiteDosa - have changed the thread title to make the subject more recognisable on the main index, and moved the thread here so that any of the Bangalore regulars subscribed to this forum now know there's a new thread to look at (might help in getting a few more replies).

I'm guessing that with the budget you have put aside that most of the international schools will be out of reach (not sure of the exact costs in Bangalore - but my impression is that international schools all over India are hideously expensive and the amount you've allocated would not cover a semester let alone a whole year) - in which case you'll be looking at a local school.

there's a couple of recent threads here and here you could look at.

Reading through the various threads you'll see the experience, like most things, is a mixture of good and bad. I don't know that its possible to make a prediction as to how events will turn out as there are so many factors that go into it ( the temperament of the children concerned, the kind of school they go into, what the teachers are like, how involved the parents are, etc). One thing that you can reasonably assume is that regardless of the school - moving from home to a new school in a new country will be a shock - only the size of the shock will differ.

One thing friends of ours did before arriving recently (or their daughters did to be more precise) was to go onto facebook and start looking for kids of the same age at the school they were about to attend. Apparently it worked brilliantly as they were able to make friends and were well on the way to being settled long before they arrived (the Dad thought it was just fantastic). Maybe social networks have a place after all.....

good luck

(btw - if you want to reply to multiple posts in a thread - click on the little quote icon with the "99" and the plus next to the "quote" button in the bottom right hand corner of every post. It will change colour to indicate you've selected that post to reply to - then when you hit the "post reply" button at the end of the thread - all the posts you've selected using the quote select icon will be amalgamated into one post - and you can then enter your comments in-between the quotes - which makes it a bit easier than having to select each post one at a time to respond to).

Haylo

Searching for the school, what a smart thing to do!

It must make a big difference to have friends you're looking forward to meeting, I know when I visited Canada for the first time, it was a lot of fun to actually meet friends of friends that I'd chatted to online. Delhi too, it was fun to meet people I knew from here of course!

It would, of course, depend on knowing in advance what school to choose, which might be harder without visiting the school concerned. I'm guessing that while a lot of information is available online about expats' experiences of international schools, there maybe a bit less about local schools?

Nick-H

What an incredibly good idea!

99 --- that's a good idea, too. It is a most unintuitive icon, although once thought about "+ means, I guess, literally, quote add.