Blondes- to dye or not to dye? & women's wear, women's safety etc

Nick-H

Good points! I too cringe at the fearmongering, but let us not pretend that gender differences and relationships, interpretation of signals and body language, etc etc is the same in India as it is in London.

It is not. It is a different culture.

Were it not so, this board might not exist!

Khandoma

Nick : moisturizing creams ? Did wonders for the complexion ?? Now what happened to that recipe ? Any chance you remember the active ingredients ?
Loved your anecdote. Making commercial beauty products is indeed extremely difficult (I for one stick to the "home cooking" version, have no idea how to use chemicals). Were you trained as a chemist ? That must have been an interesting life.
Oh, and it's funny you didn't know henna was a Mediterranean thing - when I first got to India and saw mehndi on women, I subconsciously assumed they were Muslims... Took me a few days to realize.

Which, incidentally, brings me back to the original topic of this totally hijacked thread : beauty things, such as hair, make-up etc, were usually the best way for me to start communication with Indian (and Nepalese) women, even though we didn't have a word in common. Hair color and length may or may not cause extra attention from men, but it will surely be something women will notice. In a women-only environment, such as a kitchen or a beauty parlour, I've had up to 6 ladies discussing and touching my hair. This sometimes ends up in one of the ladies' rooms where every single beauty item is fished out of the drawers for discussion and one or more ladies comb and brush my hair. Surprising at first. But I've come to relish those "girlie" moments. Wish I had a scanner, I can't upload those pictures, sorry.

Karuna, I just want to say, great post.

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Sama

exactly, Diana!

as I said somewhere else, the fear-mongering for women traveling alone has moved beyond a simple travel issue for me to a feminist one.

there's a huge difference between being careful -- whether it's in your own neighborhood or another country -- and living in fear of what MIGHT happen.

As Mark Twain said "My life is filled with terrible misfortune...most of which hasn't happened."

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anandi

I haven't ready through all the comments but as a blonde in india for the past 10 years (back and forth) all I can say is that it really helps if you get a 'dupatta' and put it over your head as many indian women do. I find that if I am wearing indian clothes and a dupatta, I can almost go un-noticed!! which is a welcome change! When all the stares get irritating thats what I do...cover my arms with the dupatta too so all that shows is my hands, and barely a bit of face. Its something I've only tried recently...while going to and from work in jaipur, especially on the rickshaw, my blonde hair flowing behind me in the breeze attracted a lot of followers. Generally I dont have a problem with it, but in some cases the dupatta helps!

Bollywood Barbie

I'm glad you asked this as I have peroxide blonde hair & was also contemplating going dark for my trip! my boyfriend is Indian & I think we will stand out regardless of my hair, so I am also staying blonde! The only problem I have now is finding a hairdresser to touch up my roots while I'm there!

karuna

Telling women what they may encounter isn't disempowering, imho. Allowing them to enter situations without this knowledge is more disempowering. It's all a matter of how it's presented.

On that thought.....

I wonder whether it would be a good idea for the women of IM, old India hands and newbies alike, to collaborate on a sticky on women's safety, taking into account all the various views here. That way we can produce something that's soothing for worried souls, without being over-the-top and frightening like the hair-dye advice. I'm prepared to scribe if others will give me input on their advice and experiences.

Any thoughts on this idea? Mods? (Men too!)
I've had a search and can't find anything that fits this description- apologies if it already exists.

the opoponax

There's a fascinating documentary out there somewhere (saw it late at night on local public TV) about the ladies' room on New York City's Staten Island Ferry. In addition to the usual stalls and sinks, there's a small "powder room" setup with mirrors, counters, and stools. The women who gather there during the morning rush hour are from all different social classes, races, religions, and career paths, they speak several different languages between them. But in the powder room, a funny thing happens: "girlie moments" bring them all together, and for that brief time, the differences are transcended and they're all friends.

I'm a bit of a tomboy myself, but I'm convinced that if any sort of feminist "revolution" is ever going to happen, it's probably going to start in a beauty parlor.

Aishah

There have been threads on how to dress, how to handle men who pester, how to travel as a single woman etc. If you think all these threads should be consolidated into a single thread then fair enough, and I would be happy to contribute, Karuna. Also at the moment a thread on 'My most frightening experience" which contains between the lines messages on what not to get into...
The thread you are proposing would need a very clear title of the subject.
Back to the topic - dying one's blonde hair is just ridiculous IMHO.
And as Nick says India is definitely a 'different culture'; btw I would love to know your moisturising cream formula too, Nick!!

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Onecuponly

I have to say I agree with you YogaGal. I hate the fact that I have to even ask questions like this one to gain peace of mind. It isn't right that as a woman, I can't just go wherever I want and do what I please without being scared of attracting attention from men. Unfortunately, it is the sad truth that women still have a long way to go to gain equality the world over. For god's sake- we can't even get it here in the West!

That's a great idea Karuna, I would definitely be willing to add my two cents to such a thread- though I won't be going anywhere until January! :P

Sama

thank you! and...exactly!

as I said, big difference between being cautious and being fearful. knowledge empowers, fear of the unknown does not.

forget about blonde hair! my tattoos attract attention, especially from women. have a large one on my right wrist that includes an OM symbol and I am NOT wearing long sleeves in India! in temple towns, when some sadhus see it, they kiss their fingers then touch my wrist. om namah shivaya gurave!

the opoponax

I'm with OneCupOnly -- I'm not actually going anywhere till January, but I'd love to contribute. Even if only in a question asking perspective.

One thing I'm finding difficult to deal with is not so much that India seems especially dangerous, or traveling alone seems terribly daunting, but that there are cultural differences between how to deal with this stuff in the US and India. For instance I would advise a woman traveling the USA alone not to tarry too long in train and bus stations. But apparently it's OK to spend the night in an Indian railway retiring room. When I had a boyish haircut in a very conservative part of the US, I got a lot of hassles (even in my own hometown!). But apparently nobody in India will give it a second thought. The answer to unwanted sexual attention in the US is "ignore him and he'll go away". The answer in India seems to be "raise a ruckus".

But the prevailing advice on IndiaMike about these sorts of issues seems to be "use the same caution you would at home." Clearly that's not feasible, because I'm already finding situations where things are radically different from what I'd expect at home. Not in the sense of being more or less dangerous, but just in the cultural approach to various behaviors (to pull out my Undergraduate Anthropologist vocab).

machadinha

That would be most welcome I think, yes. I've often thought about it, but don't know of any eligible threads, and I wouldn't presume to know how to write one.

I liked what you wrote before, Karuna. Very honest, too. It struck me after my earlier anti-scaremongering posts that yes, of course I've ran into women there who weren't having a good time, at all. All I can say is from my observations it's mostly a matter of being able to adapt. Stuff like dressing a little sensibly, leaving your preoccupations at home and packing a good sense of humor (essential for male visitors too, I dare say), not being surprised that in a country of 1 billion plus there may (and will) be people physically nearby, and so on.

But yes, I've seen those who just didn't like it, and would head for the nearest plane home, or make their way around hating and cursing it. What's funny is the women who I traveled with or hooked up along the way with there, i.e., being under pretty much the same circumstances as those women, seemed to be doing fine and enjoying themselves, reconfirming my idea that it is a matter of attitude before anything else. But I'm sure women will have some particular hassles to deal with, of course, they do where I live. As someone suggested above, your coping mechanisms with that at home will probably be your best indication as to how you'll manage. In the end it's more about how you get around in life I guess, India isn't so special, although like many other countries and traveling in general it may highlight some stuff you weren't as acutely aware of before. (On that note, I think another reason why it makes such a lasting impression on many is because of the average age at which many, including me, tend to head over there. I.e., somewhat on the young side, although I know this doesn't hold up for many contributors to this thread. It's just a general observation. Maybe this also explains why some of those contributors seem less fussed about it. Life experience, you know, something that India will certainly call on, but it's far from alone in doing so.)

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the opoponax

Definitely, Machaindha. I also wonder, from an American perspective (and pehaps it's similar for European suburbanites, too), if it doesn't have to do with the fact that so many people here lead lives where they don't often encounter crowds of strangers, or situations where they might face such attention. Thinking of my life before I lived in a city, it was basically home - car - school/work - car - supermarket/laundry/bank/etc - car - home, repeat ad infinitum. So I rarely found myself in situations where I might be groped, catcalled, etc.

The average American suburbanite rarely walks around outdoors in public, and there's a lot of pressure on women not to pursue experiences that might create unwanted attention. I remember once I was out jogging and got accosted by a creep driving around with no pants on -- the advice from my mother was "join a gym". It's enough to drive a feminist crazy!

machadinha

Yes, of course. Maybe our lives are too pampered and secluded.

My lasting memory of returning after some months is it took me a while to get used again to people on bus stands doing their best to pretend the others are not there.

Maybe we live in a strange place.

(On that note: People should never forget most Indians grow up under crowded conditions, from the cradle to the grave. Urban youngsters will often lament this lack of privacy and maybe try to escape from it, and I hear big city life is getting ever more individualistic, but other than that it's just a fact of life to many. So while you get your strict mores regarding social relationships and so on, people are also far less hung-up about physical closeness than most Westerners would be. I mean imagine growing up never having slept alone, this is also why many people will have a hard time understanding a solo traveler roaming around in a far-away place all by their lonesome. But how can you leave your family behind? If all that is a problem, it may really not be the best of holiday destinations. There are other places where you can have your peace & quiet. <-- Disclaimer: All just my opinion, and all in the most general of senses, of course.)

karuna

<<cross posted with machadinha....btw I sure as hell live in a strange place!>>

at the creep with no pants and at your mother's extremely defeatist suggestion.

Yogagal your thoughts and experiences would be really useful to add to a general "women's post" if you wouldn't mind sharing them with me for the purpose. I think the need for fore"warning" or caution differs from person to person, so input from across the spectrum of opinion would really help. PM me if you're interested.