Love the (indian) man... will I love life in India

edwardseco

I started to agree then remembered that I had met a striking example of just the opposite. The "extra" element in that case was perhaps a strong shared religious interest & a very fine family she married into. But, that isn't everybody for sure..

Paleface

As long as my soulmate and i are together, everything, and everything else is secondary, not firstly or even conditional.

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Only a mediocre person is always at his best. Somerset Maugham.

crvlvr

I think there is a a lot of good advice on the thread. The fact that you decided to ask these questions before jumping into a commitment is admirable. Indian parent; expectation from a daughter in law can be ridiculously high. You make no mention of the potential mother-in-law. Is there one? How she treats you would be key.

Also, the fact that HE will be working for the family business is a big negative. If you start having problems with the family, it can become extremely difficult to resolve. As the option of him distancing him from his family will not be easy.

kmalik

10+ year relationship, having studied together, having friends in common, having met at least one parent and having strong mutual feelings (from the sound of it) are all positive. It seems like the family might be a bit more liberal, but that's far from certain at this point.

So, the key lies in your willingness to move to India, and possibly living in a joint family structure. Do read some of the threads on that. The latter might be subject to negotiation and you might be able to keep separate residence. That said, a close relationship with Indian parents is perhaps a required part of the bargain; not necessarily a bad thing if you like them and their way of conducting themselves.

Seems like you might want to explore and get to know the family and India better. Might be tad difficult to do a trial run, but perhaps some exploration visiting India and the family as 'engaged not married' might help you crystallize your decision.

The above isn't an advice I'd normally offer, but seems like there is a lot going for the decision, provided my speculations about your feelings and at least some openness to move to India are correct.

livinhimalayas

Much depends upon your own outlook I would say, how much are you willing to compromise for the man. A lot depends upon the fmaily and the parents of the guy, ofcourse but you also have to be ready to go at least half way. Sometimes, even Indian women find it difficult to adjust to certain families and rifts are known to occur, so that should not be a deciding factor, the deciding factor should be whether you would like to spend the rest of your life in India? In order to decide that, you will have to spend sometime here to make an intelligent choice.

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He that would live in peace and at ease must not speak all he knows or all he sees. - Benjamin Franklin

Ms Princess W

I met my husband in 2007, dated about 8 months then married in July 2008, and came to India to live in April 2009. I haven't regretted one second of this decision, even though 1. it was my first time to India, first time anywhere out of the United States for that matter, 2. My husband's family has a bucket of issues intertwined with family businesses, and 3. I took my 2 youngest kids (both boys from previous marriage) along with on this adventure.

Having said that, if I had to do it all over again I know I would, but I'd have wanted to visit India first. I'd want to get to know my in-laws and all the complicated dynamics at work in this huge family. And something else that's helped me love living here - I'm very blessed in that we don't have a joint living arrangement. My husband and I have our own house.

I definitely think you need to weigh a decision like this carefully. Learn all you can about India, the city you'll live in, the family and their culture. And learn to love the food. I did! Even my youngest, who used to think ketchup was spicy, will eat some really hot stuff now

stepmyrjov

I, like Ms Princess W, have moved to India to be with my Indian husband.

However, we do, for the moment, live with the entire family. I don't necessarily mind living with his family, because he is gone nearly most of the day with work. My mother-in-law is awesome. She treats me just like her son and her daughter. Although, I suppose I was one of the lucky ones whose in-laws are open-minded about having a foreigner for a daughter-in-law.

Another thing, besides the culture. Will you be able to handle being an "outcast" of sorts. I mean this by not being able to speak the language, and having problems communicating. I find this my biggest problem!

Good luck!

~ Stephanie ~

deburn

Hi Chic, just read the entire thread and felt compelled to add my opinion

First of all, I'd like to say that going there on a visit sounds like a pre-requisite as is airing the concerns that have been raised in this thread (as well as any others you might have) with your 'friend' and then with his sister (if you feel she'd be receptive, and with your friend's awareness, of course) and finally with his parents, as well as other family/friends who might be able to give you a sense of what his family is like.

This is an important decision for both of you. The success of your marriage is dependent on both of you being happy. Unless your friend's family is extremely conservative and lives in some rural spot, and your friend is 'spineless' - and it doesn't sound like they are - you should be fine. Always assuming, of course, that you're open minded yourself, are reasonably adventurous and able to stand up for yourself.

Go to India - it will help make up your mind - and it will be a trip, in more ways than one!

danield

Yea caution is in order. I am Indian male married to a caucasion woman for 21 years and currently going through a divorce. I can't tell you enough how things change over time. Even if everything looks good initally (visit to India goes well, future in-laws are the sons and daughters of God to you, etc..) you have to try to look down the road as much as you can. The only advice I can give you is that you will need to really delve into some deep and hidden cultural issues that shape you both very differently. They won't surface till later on. How one does that depends where you live, who you connect with, and how you keep your relationship on-going through all the pressures and stresses in life. Are you both willing and able to live truly inbter-culturally?

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Stuck on India

vandy

I know that this is a serious thread, but that first sentence.




vandy

Aishah

I wonder if Chic is still around to read this thread? She posted first in March, did one more post then nothing else. Would be interesting to know if they are off to India at some point in time.

Much good advice here for you, Chic and things to consider. But believe me, with a lot of compromise, acceptance, between the two of you, things can work out. 'Love conquers all' don't they say?!

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"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."

Ms Princess W

Other than the joint family part, I can totally relate to this. My in-laws, despite the bucket of issues, are wonderful people and have completely and totally accepted me, with my weird western ways and all. And yes, I'd say the biggest challenge I have is the language barrier. Fortunately, that can and will be remedied with some remedial tutoring, and many members of the family speak at least some English

Aishah

Having a good long read of this thread, today, and this post jumped out for me - couldn't agree more, paleface!

But like Princess W, we do have a very independent life away from the rest of the family (at least I do - Mr K naturally is far more involved) - so I think I'm fortunate in this respect as well.

Even if Chic is not around, a good thread for others to read too.

Paleface

That's sweet of you to say so - The only issues we had with in-laws were the living together unmarried thing along with the in-laws, but in my wife's house... What will the neighbours say?? Finally the in-laws went back to Lucknow, we sold the house and shifted to the hills, sans in-laws and sans neighbours. I took on a stepson teenager in getting married and he is wonderful, more wonderful than i am!!