Love the (indian) man... will I love life in India

Chic · Mar 24th, 2009, 06:59

Hello everyone,

I need advise on my situation, unfortunatelly my friends, no matter how good their intentions are, can not help with this (or my therapist! hihihi). Thank you!

I have known my guy friend for nine years, we have many common friends as we went to school together (I am 29 and he is 31 years old). After graduation, we have lived in different cities sometimes in the same continent and sometimes he would be in India while I was in America. All this time we have kept in contact (emails, phones, etc) and have seen each other in America, in other words I have never been to India.

Last night I came back from NY where he has recently moved, after spending the weekend with him, it was great. It was such a nice weekend that he started the marriage conversation: I did not let him finished as I did not want to answer either way (or did not know what to answer: head vs. heart).

Over the years I have learned a bit of what the culture is all about but really I do not feel I can make an inform decition. what things/ situations/ aspects must I consider before in order to make an inform decition?I love my man but do not know if this is enough.
The scenario:
I am Mexican but speak English and French, he on the other hand only speaks English and Hindi. His family has a business in India that he will inherit. It would be complicated for him to het a job in Mexico plus he has to work at his father company. So if I married him I would have to move there... almost permanently.
I believe he wants to live in his parents house -I find this strange.

If you want more info, please do not hesitat to ask me.

nadreg · Mar 24th, 2009, 07:08

Hi Chic,

Welcome to IndiaMike!

I did a quick search, and here are some threads that might help:

Indian view on an english girl marrying an Indian man.

Can this inter-cultural relationship make it??

Ahaaaaa.... I hate living in a Joint Family..... Help please

Thoughtcrimes · Mar 24th, 2009, 08:29

"I believe he wants to live in his parents house -I find this strange"

Yes, but you'll find this is a typical custom for many Indians...

abracax · Mar 24th, 2009, 08:45

"Macho" and "Indian male" seldom appear in the same sentence. You should at least check out India - by which I mean where your beau lives - before you commit. You especially want to meet the mamacita and the abuelita.

capt_mahajan · Mar 24th, 2009, 09:46

Keep in mind that the 'family business' will mean a much greater interdependence in this particular joint family. In many such families, this is an additional complication.

puchoo · Mar 24th, 2009, 12:15

very true..... and money can make things complicated , especially if there are a few siblings around...

Quote:

Originally Posted by capt_mahajan

Keep in mind that the 'family business' will mean a much greater interdependence in this particular joint family. In many such families, this is an additional complication.

Haylo · Mar 24th, 2009, 14:18

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chic

I believe he wants to live in his parents house -I find this strange.

If you find this perfectly normal (in India) situation strange, that tells me you have hardly talked about his "Indian life" which will undoubtedly be very very different to what you expect, and I'm sure there will be a lot of other surprises in store. Do not assume anything about the way your life would be as a married woman, based on what you would expect at home.

Don't even THINK about moving this relationship forward until you have visited India, preferably including spending some time with his family and seen how he behaves in their presence, and come away feeling that you would be happy to live there with them for the rest of your life. As you'll see from the threads nadreg has provided for you, a westerner moving to India is far from easy, especially for a woman marrying into a family.

Some women do it, and are happy, but I suspect they are the ones who marry guys in modern thinking families and who go into the situation with their eyes open.

AwayFromHome · Mar 24th, 2009, 14:38

Quote:

Originally Posted by Haylo

If you find this perfectly normal (in India) situation strange, that tells me you have hardly talked about his "Indian life" which will undoubtedly be very very different to what you expect, and I'm sure there will be a lot of other surprises in store.

Don't even THINK about moving this relationship forward until you have visited India, preferably including spending some time with his family and seen how he behaves in their presence, and come away feeling that you would be happy to live there with them for the rest of your life.

Sage advice.

OP, please step warily. It is not a good idea to take a major life changing move without REALLY looking into the family circumstances.

It may be just fine, but every family is different. And you need personal vindication of how 'fine' it is going to be, before anything else.

edwardseco · Mar 24th, 2009, 21:14

Quote:

Don't even THINK about moving this relationship forward until you have visited India, preferably including spending some time with his family and seen how he behaves in their presence

Sage advice from an astute commentator. As someone said, in India you marry the family..

solo_trekker · Mar 25th, 2009, 00:00

Quote:

Originally Posted by Haylo

.....Don't even THINK about moving this relationship forward .... and seen how he behaves in his family's presence.

That,will definitely, say it all...!!!

Now now...
Did you really have to let the cat outta the bag in one go...??

Cheers...!

Chic · Mar 25th, 2009, 00:02

Oh my gosh!!!! I think I am hyperventilating.

Thank you very much for the input on this thread and the others(have read them all), I even recognise some of you.

I am soo scared after all the good points made and also glad to know that I was not overreacting. I am scared first because I am afraid of the idea of commitment (regardless to whom, but I am working hard to deal with this) and second because I know I would have to move to India and what that entail. We have always had a relation on the American continent but over time I have gotten to know some aspects of the culture.
The only reason we have not talked more about the place where we would live, etc its because I get too overwhelmened. However, I am curious in exploring the option as I think that I could marry him (my rediculuous fear of commitment could go away), so I want to get as much info as possible so that I can prepare myself to have "the conversation" and know all the right questions to ask (and freak out before).

I love my friend, I really do, so at least that would be there.
He has an older sister that does not get along with his mother very well,that I have met. I have met the parents but only as a friend. I have spent time alone with the father and he has cooked specially for me, which by the way was such a painful expereince: he had to make three curries from scratch because I kept finding them too spicy. The third time, I ate it even if I was dying from the spice. hahahahaha.

In the house I think, (must ask) that only the his parents live there and the dog.

cheers you all.

brishti · Mar 25th, 2009, 00:14

good luck chic - whichever way you swing it

:brishti
love the [indian] man too

Indojingai · Mar 25th, 2009, 15:44

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chic

he had to make three curries from scratch because I kept finding them too spicy. The third time, I ate it even if I was dying from the spice.

Make him a Bean Chili and say, this level of spice I can handle.

AprilFlower · Mar 25th, 2009, 23:36

Chic, Haylo's advice is truly priceless. If the father was "forward" enough to cook for you that is a good sign. I think that visiting is an excellent idea. It would be most helpful if you could stay for an extended period of time so that you can get a better feel for the family and your location. I think that a lot depends on where you end up living (meaning which city). There is a huge difference between living in a metro with lots of resources and living in another city. Having lots of expats that you can meet up with and make friends with is a huge advantage. If you do decide to move here, at some point you will start to feel lonely and want to talk to someone who has walked a mile in your shoes-so to speak.

I moved here for my guy too and we live with the parents as well. A lot of it will depend how they feel about you. Are they willing to have a non-Indian daughter-in-law? You really need to sit down with your man and discuss what changes it will mean to your life. Will you be allowed to work (if you want to)? What type of things will you be responsible for at home? Will you be able to go places unattended? Will you be able to speak your mind at all times? I don't know how religious either of you are but even if neither of you are, what about the parents? Will they expect their grand kids to be raised Hindu (or whatever religion he is)? How do you feel about that? Try to think of all the questions that might possibly come up in the future. It will make smoother sailing to discuss it up front even if you aren't in to commitments

.

rajjo_sg · Sep 11th, 2009, 18:46

I am old enough and lived abroad many years, seen many mixed marriages.

My answer is just NO if you have to move to India.

Even born broughtup Indian who lived abroad for many years, when they move back to India, they find it very difficult to adjust with life here. Some manages with keep complaining, some choose to go back to abroad again.

Think carefully... I do not think it is a good idea to move to India.

Mar 24th, 2009, 06:59	#1
Chic Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Mexico Posts: 2	Love the (indian) man... will I love life in India Hello everyone, I need advise on my situation, unfortunatelly my friends, no matter how good their intentions are, can not help with this (or my therapist! hihihi). Thank you! I have known my guy friend for nine years, we have many common friends as we went to school together (I am 29 and he is 31 years old). After graduation, we have lived in different cities sometimes in the same continent and sometimes he would be in India while I was in America. All this time we have kept in contact (emails, phones, etc) and have seen each other in America, in other words I have never been to India. Last night I came back from NY where he has recently moved, after spending the weekend with him, it was great. It was such a nice weekend that he started the marriage conversation: I did not let him finished as I did not want to answer either way (or did not know what to answer: head vs. heart). Over the years I have learned a bit of what the culture is all about but really I do not feel I can make an inform decition. what things/ situations/ aspects must I consider before in order to make an inform decition?I love my man but do not know if this is enough. The scenario: I am Mexican but speak English and French, he on the other hand only speaks English and Hindi. His family has a business in India that he will inherit. It would be complicated for him to het a job in Mexico plus he has to work at his father company. So if I married him I would have to move there... almost permanently. I believe he wants to live in his parents house -I find this strange. If you want more info, please do not hesitat to ask me.

Mar 24th, 2009, 07:08	#2
nadreg Administrator Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: NY, USA Posts: 2,137	Hi Chic, Welcome to IndiaMike! I did a quick search, and here are some threads that might help: Indian view on an english girl marrying an Indian man. Can this inter-cultural relationship make it?? Ahaaaaa.... I hate living in a Joint Family..... Help please __________________ In pursuit of the Only truth: I Am!

Mar 24th, 2009, 08:29	#3
Thoughtcrimes Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Kolkata, India Posts: 130	"I believe he wants to live in his parents house -I find this strange" Yes, but you'll find this is a typical custom for many Indians... __________________ "I speak a strange language, sometimes even I don't understand." - D. Iyall

Mar 24th, 2009, 08:45	#4
abracax Mahaguru Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: Canada Posts: 709	"Macho" and "Indian male" seldom appear in the same sentence. You should at least check out India - by which I mean where your beau lives - before you commit. You especially want to meet the mamacita and the abuelita. __________________ tbontbtitq (Shakespeare's password)

Mar 24th, 2009, 09:46	#5
capt_mahajan Infidel Sufi Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: styx Posts: 13,601	Keep in mind that the 'family business' will mean a much greater interdependence in this particular joint family. In many such families, this is an additional complication. __________________ . Outside the machine

Mar 25th, 2009, 00:02	#11
Chic Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Mexico Posts: 2	thank you and ahhhhh Oh my gosh!!!! I think I am hyperventilating. Thank you very much for the input on this thread and the others(have read them all), I even recognise some of you. I am soo scared after all the good points made and also glad to know that I was not overreacting. I am scared first because I am afraid of the idea of commitment (regardless to whom, but I am working hard to deal with this) and second because I know I would have to move to India and what that entail. We have always had a relation on the American continent but over time I have gotten to know some aspects of the culture. The only reason we have not talked more about the place where we would live, etc its because I get too overwhelmened. However, I am curious in exploring the option as I think that I could marry him (my rediculuous fear of commitment could go away), so I want to get as much info as possible so that I can prepare myself to have "the conversation" and know all the right questions to ask (and freak out before). I love my friend, I really do, so at least that would be there. He has an older sister that does not get along with his mother very well,that I have met. I have met the parents but only as a friend. I have spent time alone with the father and he has cooked specially for me, which by the way was such a painful expereince: he had to make three curries from scratch because I kept finding them too spicy. The third time, I ate it even if I was dying from the spice. hahahahaha. In the house I think, (must ask) that only the his parents live there and the dog. cheers you all.

Mar 25th, 2009, 00:14	#12
brishti disMember Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: india Posts: 3,687	good luck chic - whichever way you swing it :brishti love the [indian] man too

Mar 25th, 2009, 23:36	#14
AprilFlower Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Surat, India Posts: 325	Chic, Haylo's advice is truly priceless. If the father was "forward" enough to cook for you that is a good sign. I think that visiting is an excellent idea. It would be most helpful if you could stay for an extended period of time so that you can get a better feel for the family and your location. I think that a lot depends on where you end up living (meaning which city). There is a huge difference between living in a metro with lots of resources and living in another city. Having lots of expats that you can meet up with and make friends with is a huge advantage. If you do decide to move here, at some point you will start to feel lonely and want to talk to someone who has walked a mile in your shoes-so to speak. I moved here for my guy too and we live with the parents as well. A lot of it will depend how they feel about you. Are they willing to have a non-Indian daughter-in-law? You really need to sit down with your man and discuss what changes it will mean to your life. Will you be allowed to work (if you want to)? What type of things will you be responsible for at home? Will you be able to go places unattended? Will you be able to speak your mind at all times? I don't know how religious either of you are but even if neither of you are, what about the parents? Will they expect their grand kids to be raised Hindu (or whatever religion he is)? How do you feel about that? Try to think of all the questions that might possibly come up in the future. It will make smoother sailing to discuss it up front even if you aren't in to commitments .

Sep 11th, 2009, 18:46	#15
rajjo_sg Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Singapore/Mumbai Posts: 13	I am old enough and lived abroad many years, seen many mixed marriages. My answer is just NO if you have to move to India. Even born broughtup Indian who lived abroad for many years, when they move back to India, they find it very difficult to adjust with life here. Some manages with keep complaining, some choose to go back to abroad again. Think carefully... I do not think it is a good idea to move to India.

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