Inter-cultural marriage, any stories to share?

shashank.aggarwal

Thats too bad Nick, I am seriously against such Men.. If I could have kicked his ass, I wouldn't have hesitated twice..

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Nick-H

Unfortunately I'm not able to even let on that I know what's happening.

But were we can help, we have done.

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shashank.aggarwal

You can bring the matter to notice of some Women welfare NGO or something...that wont be much of a trouble..

Sama

you should tell those people that there are plenty of men with BMWs and lots of money, you did not have to marry an Indian man for those things!

wow. after reading this thread it's no wonder the world is in such sad shape -- when families can't even get along....life is too short, isn't it?

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brownboy66

I don't know yg. Seems to be plenty of people out there with very different religious and ethnic backgrounds trying hard, making it work, having fun. I certainly wouldn't be here if my parents hadn't broken with convention. The way I sort of look at it - must have been a lot harder 50 - 100 years ago compared to now. Not saying that there isn't still more to be done.

crvlvr

fly2raven has, in her excellent post, hit on most of the issues. I would like to add a couple of considerations:

1. Is your man, man enough to support you if his family were to turn against you. Mother in law/daughter in law relationships can be strained. Who would your man support?

2. Getting married to an Indian man might be quite an expereince. Moving to India with him may make it more difficult. Indians tend to become more "indian" in India leading to all sorts of new problems.

Sama

My first husband was Mexican, and his father didn't like the fact that his son married a "juera". My first husband was a lot of things but at least he stood up to his old man and told him to go to hell because I was his "rock".

As for the second time around, I'm married to a very lapsed Catholic and I -- a Buddhist -- got married in the Catholic church to please his conservative Catholic parents.

So I'd say you're preaching to the choir...

amyl

Yea! In fact what I have observed is, in India a girl does not get married/tied to a man but to his whole goddamn family.....and extended family!

But I do not want to sound negative to the poster. The best deal to gauge the future chemistry of the family is spending some weeks with them....of course if allowed by their (orthodox) mindsets .

Not all inter-caste marriages have to face the spouse's family related fuss nor all same-caste marriages have freedom from that very fuss. So things cannot be generalized and wud best be studied on ones own discretion.

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jenk

Its not wise to underestimate the difficulties in a cross-cultural marriage. Cultural/religious patterns go down to the bone - they arent limited by what happens in church or temple. There are endless opportunities for misunderstanding and friction as some of the personal anecdotes on this thread illustrate. As a western woman marrying into a tradition with "clean rules" that govern every aspect of life, and such different traditions of family roles and responsibilities, you may rather a very difficult time, especially if you are stiff-necked and dont make an effort to understand and adjust (the burden will mostly fall on you as the woman since you will be seem as responsible for the home and domestic arrangements also for taking your husband out of his culture!!! You are joining two families, not just two isolated persons, and even if everyone is kind and well intentioned, you will have a lot of challenges making it run smoothly.

I think, assuming you are going forward, that understanding your prospective inlaws point of view and figuring out ways of accomodating them is probably the best recipe for peace and harmony. Keeping a balance, your self respect, your relationship with your husband, harmony with your inlaws should be an interesting challenge.

brownboy66

of course....I should have known

Goodness though - don't we make it hard on ourselves. As if relationships weren't already hard enough with just the gender/ personality differences, lets throw some ethnic and religious disparities into the mix as well! What else can we grab to make it more difficult - politics!

love conquers all......

Alohaguy

Since it is still before marriage, you tend to overlook the differences not only religious but cultural also. However, reality sets in afterwards. Your husband has to maintain a delicate balance between your feelings and his mother and may be his sisters too. No amount of discussion at this point is going to help. Because at this point, you are in love
It is better if you don't live in a joint family environment after marriage. That way irritations are occasional. You will be happy. My wife and I lived away from both families and have been married 35 years. No regrets at all.
Good Luck!

edwardseco

Well hopefully one knows this going in and accomodates accordingly. Its as much a courtship of the family as the prospective spouse. I got lucky, I hit it off with my mother in law to be (we liked to share a beer) and she was too fierce for anyone else to give me any grief. Now we have a son and that has increased my "value" and over time warm friendships develop. Like the idea of separate residence though and may try that some year..

EOS

[quote=amyl;376159]Phew!
IC marriages still do create problems in India....this is NOT AT ALL A GENERALIZATION but an observation based on many of my relatives and friends cases. Veg vs NonVeg, 'our custom' vs 'your custom' and all such non-sense things. Sadly such problems take a lot of time worrying, peace-of-mind and a lot of the thought-space I see.

Completly agree with this....

I am a punjabi from higher middle class family and my wife is from VERY orthodox Brahmin lower middle class family...
Both of our parents live in the same city in which we work.
Our marriage was nothing short of an Bollywood movie with all the drama and a grand climax....with a happy ending of us getting married.....
However this was just the beginning.....
It didn't work out between my mom and my wife....it was not like swords getting out but there was always tension in the air over some trivial issue or the other....
The presence of my inlaws in the same city and they not accepting me and my family further complicated the issues....
For 7 years i did the balancing act....always felt like walking on a razors edge....till the time it started affecting me and my wife mentally.....I felt like i was sitting on a dormant volcano..ready to errupt any day....

Then one day i decided to shift....explained to my parents that why i was doing and it and will be good for everybody...
It was painfull especially with the attachment of my parents with my daughter.

Today we go to our parents house...they also come to our house ...everybody now has physical as well as mental "SPACE"
things seem to be working well....

I don't know whether i took the right decision or should have stayed and solved the the problem...not that i did'nt try...

icetea

...except in-laws

amyl

love conquers all......