Inter-cultural marriage, any stories to share?

mirjamd

Hello India Mikers!

I am from the Netherlands and Im planning to marry my Indian boyfriend and move to India. He is a Brahmin Hindu and I am a protestant Christian. We are both not fanatic about our religions, but do think they play a role in our lives. We have discussed our different religions a lot and have decided to respect each other's customs and accompany each other to the temple and church respectively. I wonder whether there are people who have a similar situation and what your experiences are. Does it raise difficulties or very complicated discussions? And how did you solve them?

fly2raven

My husband is also a brahmin and I was born/raised catholic...neither of us actually 'practice' although we go to temples every so often but usually only to look at the architecture and experience the history...

We have been married for over four years now, and the majority of our difficulties have arisen due to our families.

Here are some things we have had to work thru:
1. Veg and non-veg food - I respect my in-laws aversion to non-veg food when we are with family. However, when my husband wanted to start keeping veg and non-veg utensils separate (notfor us but for his family) we didn't see eye to eye. I don't believe in keeping veg and non-veg utensils - I really can't see the difference.

I have a friend that is non-veg married to a veg and they keep separate utensils, yet they are all washed in the same dish washer - are not the utensils all non-veg at that point? I would think so...

2. Cooking before washing. I always take a bath at night - and I usually bathe again before getting ready for the day. But if I am going to do house-work or cook in the morning it doesn't make any sense to me to take a bath before doing these things only to get dirty again - and as I said - I ALWAYS take a bath before going to sleep. Anyway, when my mother-in-law came to visit us she refused to eat my cooking because of the fact that I didn't take a bath in the morning before cooking.

I may be stubborn but I wasn't willing to change how I do this. I respect her ways when I am staying with her, and I expect her to respect my ways when she stays with me. What happened at our house while she was here is still a thorn in the family's side - as my husbands brother and family were also there and both he and my husband were upset that she treated me so badly.

It is very strange to me that she would also have a problem with the way I wash my counter with the same sponge that I wash my dishes - the sponge is clean and I am using soap - again this is something that I am not about to change. I refuse to have separate sponges, separate utensils, separate towels - this would turn into a nightmare for me...where would it end??

3. My parents and I have gotten into some fairly bad arguments because of 'religion'. My parents are no longer 'catholic' but would be considered 'born again' and in so being have some very strong views as to how we should raise our future children.

They believe that if we raise them with knowledge of both hinduism and christianity, or if they would be (heaven forbid) hindu, that they would be going to hell - which I think is rubbish. I also told them that I won't be baptizing the children either, again something my parents freaked out about.

You should talk about your future kids and how you would raise them - what type of things your boyfriend's family believes in and what you are comfortable with.

As an example, my husband's family does something that I consider very strange with their children's umbilical cord when it falls off, they place it in a locket and wrap it around the child - the children wear it for as long as possible. They told me it was for the wellbeing of the child - I just don't believe that it is going to help them to have it wrapped around them, ours will go in a baby book like mine

4. The extended family. My extended family doesn't have a problem with my indian husband, but some of his extended family don't appreciate the white wife. There have been weddings that I haven't gone to in order to keep away from the remarks - because if they don't like you they probably won't be nice to you - there is also a lot of gossip in the family (and gossip is just something that you will have to get used to, especially if you move to india, maids gossip to other maids and so on)

Word around the block is that I married my husband for his BMW and that I am going to take all of his money and leave him in the gutter. I don't let this type of talk bother me, and if it happens to you, you need to ignore it. There will be people in the family that are not happy with your boyfriends choice but they will either come to accept you or you will find that you don't need to visit them anyway

5. Communication. Communication between couples is always very important...but it takes on a different meaning when both partners were not raised with the same 'mother tongue'. I don't know if your boyfriend was born in India or the Netherlands - if he was born in the netherlands or at least raised there this may not be so much of an issue.

But if he is Indian born you may run into communication problems....in the way that he speaks and how you interpret what he says. My husband is telegu and he thinks in telegu, he has to translate everything he is thinking into english. Now this usually is a split second process but when he is upset he really can say things he doesn't mean or something that doesn't quite apply to the situation because he is thinking and then talking so quickly and upset at the same time...and there are times when there isn't an english word that is the same word/thing in telegu, so if he uses that word he may not actually be communicating what it is he is really thinking - does that make sense? If we are arguing, we take a little break so that we can cool down - when we are both thinking more clearly we open up the discussion again.

I really think the majority of your 'problems' will probably be from outside, especially if your boyfriends family are hardcore brahmins or if your family is more 'fanatic' then you are

The best way to solve these problems? good communication and a hard skin

All the best..

edwardseco

Just shy of 30 years now I am just cautious of laying on the doctrine too heavy. Both of us have adjusted (as in #1). I go to Durgapuja and she will eat a steak on occassion. The extended family was not happy but time has given them much worse to worry about. No BMW, next time a rich woman with a pace maker..

brownboy66

wow fly2....that was quite a post! I'm sure you don't need any positive reinforcement, but well done - and great advice!

I can't comment on the religious side of things that much as neither my wife or I are terrible religious in an institutional sort of way. The only caveat I would put on that is my wife and I are from different ethnic and cultural backgrounds (so for example - my ethnic background tends to see religion as an every day thing that is present in everything, as opposed to a building you go to, etc). Also, my culture still views the world through an extended family perspective, with a village of sorts as our family base (whereas my wife is a pretty normal urban westerner I guess). Oh - when we announced out engagement - friends of my wife's family said I was only after her money. Not even close - a) my wife is hopeless at maths so her accounts are always in a mess, and b) she had far great assets that I was looking to get my hands on!

Do we argue - um....no. We get sulky now and again, but that's about it. In 17 years we've had one major argument - and I can't for the life of me remember what it was. If we see things differently it tends to be more of a male/ female issue (she uses the word "thingy" a lot, and I use logic - for example:

wife: look at those sticky uppy things!
me: In common language they would be called "apartments"....

that sort of thing (see - now even I use that word). I do endorse the importance of communication. Plus another piece of advice I heard somewhere - never go to bed angry!

As for the family (out-laws, however you want to refer to them) - I've already suggested in another thread selling tickets to the general public so that they can watch the "had too much to drink, after Christmas lunch argument" - so in other words a pretty typical family.

So - you can't predict how its going to turn out - doesn't mean you shouldn't take the trip. Like travelling to India really....

brownboy66

fsg

Fly2 you have not mentioned cooking when 'menses' time is. or going to the temple then.

We stayed with a Bramin family in country Ka away up in the top of the house, and himself needed to do a pee in the night...... back door was locked , so the only receptacle was one from the kitchen Big NO NO. He should have gone to the sink.

I think you have both done very well with your love marriage.

When are the kids due?

Keep [ work] at it.... marriage that is........ Enjoy

BTW we used to call the inlaws in both sides Dummy and Mad ...... mummy and dad

New-South-Welshman

I visited households in India where they keep veg and non-veg utensils separate. Their reason to this explained to me by the non-veg husband was that, the veg wife doesn't want her food to be cooked, with utensils that has cooked dead animal flesh. I see that reason, because I guess it's like keeping a gun that's shot someone you know. Well, I hope you know what I'm trying to explain.

__________________
Mr. Burns "Non-violence never solved anything!"

Nick-H

My Indian-origin Malaysian-born Christian London girlfriend of five years could never agree with me that a morning bath was unnecessary outside of the hotter days of an English Summer! So it isn't just the Brahmins on this one

My wife is Christian. I have no time for Christianity at all: it comes bottom of my list of most things about religion. I do not go to church with her, and whenever she says 'praise the lord' I say '_____ the Lord!'. We do sometimes discuss stuff in the bible, and we also discuss Hindu stuff too. I could never live with an evangelical christian; she is not interested in converting anybody.

Having grown up in a Hindu country, she knows more about it than I do, even though she is not. It helps, of course, that she can read the Tamil names above the shrines!

__________________
.


Just one member of the IndiaMike Mod Team

shashank.aggarwal

F2R, great that you have been able to adjust despite such problems..

If I would have been in your husbands place, I would have discussed these things well in advance, specially the veg-nonveg issue...people are really touchy about these things..

My mom is around 50 years and in all her life she has not visited a restaurant that serves Non-veg food, she throws up if she even get the smell of it..in my house we do not use onion and garlic in cooking, its not even supposed to go in kitchen..

Even for the bathing issue, she doesn't start cooking unless he takes a bath, its a matter of hygiene for her..

I Can't expect her to change just because her son decided to marry a girl who wants to change things she has been doing her entire life..

I am not saying that you are wrong, I do understand your sensibilities as well, they are perfectly logical.. and mind you I am not a Brahmin..

__________________
Travelogue - Around India
Random Reviews

fly2raven

fsg: Cooking during that time has not been a problem for us, I think if I gave that as an excuse to my husband for not cooking he would laugh and say something like, "if you didn't want to cook today just tell me and we'll go to a restaurant"

New-South-Welshman: Yes I have heard that as well as that the essence of the food is transfered by the utensils into the other food...and...well...I just don't believe that kind of stuff...if the utensils are washed properly I just can't find any reason to keep them separately, especially as this doesn't matter to either myself or my husband (who eats non-veg as well).

This is of course my own personal opinion and I respect those who believe that, and I would respect those beliefs if staying in their home - but this is my home and I wasn't going to change everything around for his family. It is not as if they are going to start cooking non-veg for me when I stay with them..

In regards to bathing...I for one think it is gross to get into bed without taking a shower - but I didn't force my mother-in-law to bathe before slipping in between my high thread count sheets...so many things like this are one-sided - one side expects the other to change and won't change any of their own habits in return.

The main reason that this bathing before cooking thing really upset my husband is because my mother-in-law will eat at any hotel we take her too...and do you really think that the cooks are bathing before cooking up her meal? We have all seen the cooks in these places and I think it is safe to say...NO they are NOT...but I guess what she can't see...

Nick-H

My wife is the vegetarian --- but she willingly cooks meat and fish for me, which I very much appreciate. She does it very well too --- and I could never cook anything that I couldn't sample while cooking. When I gave up red meat for a couple of years I could hardly stand the smell of a butcher's shop: I think living with a meat eater is tough for a vegetarian.

When circumstances demand a bath, I sometimes ease my conscience by taking what I call a 'symbolic' bath. I splash some water over myself. That's it. done. I can now go and play music in the temple, whatever! It is all about symbolism, rather than physical cleanliness, anyway...

Imagine being in an orthodox Jewish family where separate utensils, pans, sinks, even sometimes kitchens, are maintained to separate milk from meat cooking!

amyl

Phew! Reading thru I felt like am sitting among my cousin sisters or those female colleagues in my previous office! ufffff those stories about their in-laws.
But Love is blind as is said.
IC marriages still do create problems in India....this is NOT AT ALL A GENERALIZATION but an observation based on many of my relatives and friends cases. Veg vs NonVeg, 'our custom' vs 'your custom' and all such non-sense things. Sadly such problems take a lot of time worrying, peace-of-mind and a lot of the thought-space I see.
Last generation Hindus are tough to tackle, it seems! But then there are pleasant exceptions too!

Besides religion I would insist to have a distinction between ppl who use sinks for different purposes.

__________________
a'mar kono chinta nei

Nick-H

In my, admittedly slight, knowledge of orthodox jewish life, I never heard of any prohibition on peeing in either sink!

I'm not even allowed to spit in our kitchen sink!

I didn't get the in-law package with Mrs N --- and, sadly, my mother died before they had a chance to get to know each other, as they I know they would have hit it off really well .

shashank.aggarwal

Well let me tell you very frankly...The entire Indian Soap Opera market is thriving on Saas-Bahu conflicts (Saas = Mother in Law and Bahu = Daughter in law)..

So what I would say, do not worry about religion or differences...

These things are very common in Indian households, infact a household without the Saas Bahu conflict is seen with suspicion..

and we poor men have to live through it...:rofl

Nick-H

I am aware of some truly vindictive and dreadful emotional and economic suffering caused to a woman by her inlaws --- and the husband will not lift a finger to stop it