Indian view on an english girl marrying an Indian man.

karuna

This isn't about inter-cultural relationships but some of the comments here made me remember it. My mother told me something that happened to one of her work colleagues. This colleague is Indian married to an Indian and living in the UK. They had booked a holiday to America. Now obviously (as she's my mum's colleague), this lady works full time and had little time to prepare the family (kids as well) for the trip. Two days before departure, when she was frantically packing, her husband's family called to say they would be paying a visit the next day. She begged her husband to please tell them this was not a good time and could they postpone until after the holiday, but he just wouldn't. So the day before the flight she was cooking, serving and cleaning up after 15 guests, and packing for a family trip to America.

That would probably have done it for me, see. All-out shouting match and probably a slammed door on the way out. Not a good wife, I think.

Gardener972

Maybe being a young 19 would make it a bit easier to meld into your new family. Just make sure that you're guaranteed an annual trip back to see your family & friends! And true, being a woman, you're a bit "lower" than men and will probably be expected to wait on your in-laws... cooking, etc. unless they have servants.

elegbedebarbara

I think its a little tricky and i speak from the view of an expatriate. amrican, married to a local. in this case, american,nigerian. i would say that at 19, your finance would like for you to know more about his culture, and thus know more about the way he thinks, and probably would like for you to know how to cook indian food for instance, so that when you are away from india you will both understand him and know what he likes to eat. his favorite food. his mom would know that. secondly, his family will get to know you. i think he is hoping that you will love india, and his family will love you. it will help alot if you bring an excitement to the task, and want to get involved with his family, and their ways of doing things, by asking questions and giving it a try. i think humor goes a very long way, laughing at the things you can not do and being honest about it, in a funny way. that will make everybody laugh and enjoy you more, unless they are really an untight family. i think your finance´s family will be open to you, otherwise he would not have suggested that you come and stay so long. he wants you to love the things he loves.
i have found that letting everyone know that you are learning but you may not be able to do everything the right way is fine. they will give you alot of leaway and allow you to be yourself. just laugh at yourself and let them know you either can not do it that way, etc. they will not make you conform like you are an indian girl. you will not have as much pressure on you. it should be fun. ask your finance about alot of things if you have questions, and he will steer you the right way so that you don´t hurt their feelings. even in fact, in terms of communal living, some indians can not do it. so give it a try, if it doesn´t work, then you have some experiences to base it on. as for me, living in africa, i was given so much leaway and just adopted the things that felt right, the other things, i just said something stupid like thats not my culture and let it go. they would all shake their heads and let me get away with it, because i was different. I lived 18 years in west africa and i loved most of it, and just adopted the things i liked and was perfectly free. i have also lived in india and find it such a wonderful place. i think you will enjoy it. use common sense, sensitivity, humor and figure out what you really like about the place. have a lot of fun. i think its a great idea that your finance wants you to be a part of his family, he really loves you.

Annita

I posted a couple of days back about my case, and after reading all your comments and experiences, I feel kind of fear to think about what i will do in future but also there is some hope that still if there is true love, one can overcome any difficulty. Some of you have experienced the cultural marriage, and are celebrating many anniversaries together...but of course it all depends on person and willingness. And of course the family where you will enter...

My bf has not yet decided how he will tell his family about us since it will be very tough (They never had such case among their whole family and relatives, that's why it is expected to be difficult). Hoping for the best...

Any ideas are more than welcome

the opoponax

Nobody should be getting married at 19, regardless of the racial/religious/communal specifics.

Especially after dating someone for only 6 months, and ESPECIALLY with the understanding that you will be leaving your home, family, and everything you know to live permanently in a different country you've never visited before.

Stupidest idea, ever. Sorry to be blunt, but it's gotta be said. I did something similar, and far less intense (relocated domestically, didn't actually marry the guy), at the same age, and, well, all I can say is that I survived it. I'll bear the scars for a long time, yet.

Wait a year or three, and if you're still thinking marriage, discuss the cultural ramifications and international logistics then. You'll probably be a lot more familiar with what's expected of you by then, anyway.

Aishah

Annita - reading through this thread you can see there are so many issues involved, not just the one of 'true love' and all will be fine, happy ever after! Love is certainly the good start from a non-Indian cultural background, but the family is huge in India. Some like it, some feel it too confining, impinging on freedom etc. Situations can vary tremendously from one individual to another - all I can say is try it out, see how you find things, will you be happy the way you will be living etc?
Karuna - I loved your post - this is so typical here too! No forethought to whatever is going on at the time and people will arrive at any time without warning. Nobody checks whether you have other things going on to occupy yourself - they just turn up and hospitality is expected at all times!

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Nick-H

It is not unknown for married couples to move away from the family. What I see as important is having the confidence that the guy would put his wife first if necessary, and that is something that one can only start to judge by seeing in the family context, and giving enough time to really discover.

I recall a story told to me by a Tamil lady more used to American ways. She spent some months living in Chennai with her grandparents. That she quickly grew absolutely fed up with being treated as a child (An American woman in her 20s!) is another (and her) story, but one instance stuck in my mind, which is her story of taking a poor muslim friend (friend only) back to her grandparents' orthodox brahmin household. Charm and hospitality was the order of the day, until after he left, when they made their real feeling about entertaining such a person known to her.

Charm and smiles are often the order of the day, certainly in this city. It is one of the things that makes it, on a day to day basis, a pleasant place to live. One needs to dig a little further sometimes.

I guess it is the nature of asking for advice, that much of the feedback is about what could go wrong, but there's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean that it would go wrong.

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Annita

Aishah,

Thanks for the lines...You know, I was thinking that I really need to feel the life in India as a permanent resident. I was there for only 6 weeks which seemed wonderful and passed very fast and full of joy and happy moments. But for a long life I need to go back once again and prove first of myself that I can live there...another thing is the family issue. Actually, we still want the time pass and see how things are going, and we are not in hurry but on the other hand we both want to have some imagination about our future actions. So, I want to go back to India, this time for 1 year period, and see if adaptation is easy or there will be sacrifices...

Thanks to everybody for those wonderful advices

mirjamd

One more reply to the already abundant number of replies. Just thought I would share my story...

I am marrying an Indian after one year of meeting each other and I am moving to Chennai. But there are a few conditions that made it possible to do it, otherwise I would have never considered it... I am 26 and have seen a lot of the world through travelling. Somehow that gave me the peace to settle down and get married (not to say that my travelling will stop of course ).

And secondly, I had already spent 1,5 year in India before deciding on this. This really made things a lot easier, because I knew about Indian customs, eating habits, Hindu religion and social courtesy. I found that this was one of the reasons that my in-laws (especially my mom-in-law) accepted me. And we also don't live with them (which was their idea ). Makes it a lot easier to hang out with friends at home, and do and wear whatever you want in your own home.

Good luck on deciding what to do! And I am curious what you think of all the replies here...

nomad

i think op is already on a honeymoon while we are trying to help her.

or is she another on of those who post only once
;-)

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Nick-H

Yes, she has not returned to the site since half an hour after making her post (was it something the Capt. said? ).

But it hardly matters, really. Even if she doesn't come back this is useful for others and a topic that we love mulling over

Aishah

Excellent plans, Annita - by the end of those 12 months you will certainly know if this is right for you,and as one of my friends back in NZ said to me at the time, if it doesn't work out you've had a great experience living in a different country and learning all about the people who live like it is 500 years back. You don't lose either way. (This is because I'm living very close to village life)

Nick-H

A year is good, even if you have to do two six-month stints for visa purposes.

Passion fruit

I agree, this topic is interesting/useful/conflicting/difficult - bit of a catch 22. Of course, in the end the only way to know if something will work for you or not, is to try and find out what you are capable of!

Coming from an inter-cultural background I have experienced those cultural clashes such as those that Karuna mentions close at hand, (thankfully not as extreme as that particular one) and although my parents are still what looks like "happily married", i must say it has come at a price (that my mom and even us children has had to pay for).

When i ask my mom, however, she claims she doesn't regret her choice of man, and it has opened up a world for her that otherwise would have remained closed e.g. experienced food, countries and even a more profound understanding for a totally different culture, which she would have "missed out on" had she married someone from her home country.

Then at the same time she keeps on advising me to best stick to European men and forget imagining future with an "oriental man" because they will never want me anyway, especially because i belong to that kind of woman who embraces a western value system e.g. the need for personal individual freedom, assertive, domineering, economic freedom, ideas of equality etc - which of course would not go down well if i marry a man brought up and raised according to many other cultures of the world with totally different values - family, the importance of the collective (rather than the individual) etc.

All this analysing and thinking and pros and cons has rendered me so confused that i have given up, and so now i don't know anything anymore. I would sincerely be interested in knowing the indian male point of view on this....if there such a one???

Aishah

You know Passion Fruit, don't worry too much about analysing and thinking - when you meet the right person you will really know it. Then you just work out if you can live together in the place that is chosen.