Indian view on an english girl marrying an Indian man.

brownboy66

firstly welcome to IM

Secondly, great to hear that you've met a wonderful man, but I'm wondering do you have close friends where you live - perhaps some friends that are married that you can talk to? Your family? Not to undermine the enormous store of knowledge this site has, nor the wonderful and wise personalities that frequent it (I don't count myself amongst that lot since I'm simply here for the cheap one liners) - but what you talking about is a fairly important decision and I'm sure their must be better places to ask advice then an internet forum? This is not to discourage you from asking - but hopefully your asking the same questions in person elsewhere?

Thirdly - marriage in general presents a number of challenges. Cross cultural/ religous etc marriages present even more unique challenges, and then Indian/ foreign cross cultural marriages will have more specific challenges again. The hard part for you would be sorting out which are the general challenges you would face being married anyway - as opposed to the unique challenges you would face by marrying into an India family. Not an easy thing to do.

Anyway - just a couple of thoughts. Good luck.

nomad

i agree.

but we have very little information about OP to rule out marriage at 19. i hope she is not planning to quite her education after marriage. i am sure at least one of them is earning.

__________________
Rahul Verma
http://rverma.smugmug.com
www.pbase.com/rverma

burf

i might sound subjective but i would be a fan of yours if you are able to exist after 2 years [alto a lot depends on the family you would be entering]

Nick-H

Hello and congratulations

Just a couple of thoughts...

--- is your mate prepared, ultimately, to put you first? All this business of marrying the family is, culturally, true, but there is many an Indian woman that ends up presenting her husband with a them-or-me ultimatum. It doesn't always work out, even among Indians.

--- shacking up, unless among the upper classes of the most modern cities, is just not an option in India. It'd be a great way to alienate the family too, although less so with a son than a daughter. They'd maybe just go on looking for an arranged marriage for the son!

There are visa issues too: you would have to live on a tourist visa, leaving the country every six months. Expensive.

---I'd want to see my mate in the family context, and spend as much time as possible getting to know them and the culture.

---Not everybody moves in with the family. You can elect to live near by, in a different district, or even in a different city. Not every family lives in a big enough house to accommodate all these family branches, and not everyone wants to.

I didn't marry a family: my wife's children are grown up and we had, at that time, only one living parent between us, my mother. In some ways I'm glad about this, at the same time it would be great to have an experience like edwardseco and that of his friend.

__________________
.


Just one member of the IndiaMike Mod Team

cig79

Dear Kjavis,

I agree with most of the information the fellow i-mikers have presented, and I am really not familiar with the politics inside India, but as a fellow young girl marrying an Indian, I feel I have much to share.

To me family is important. Being away from home, it is easy for me to be part of a new family. But the pressure to convert to certain Indian ways, or the pressure that the elders (Indians) put on family values or traditions can be too much at times. I still try very hard keep true to myself and my culture.

One Cultural example is my belief in the western way of showing affection toward my husband. I have been told many times that I am not allowed to hold his hand in public in India, forget a kiss in the lips. There have been times when I've been so excited about something, or drunk, and in a social gathering my husband becomes super conscious of this, and I feel like a fool afterwards, not because I don't know the rules but because I was being myself in front of the Indian public.

My second and last example deals with the wedding planning. I was so excited about it (typical girl!), and I created in my head a perfect ceremony that would blend both traditions into one ceremony, my in laws didn't for a moment even considered my plan and instead was blown off.

I really don't want to scare you, but please think things through. Try things first, and if it doesn't feel right, see if is something you can deal with....because....They (culture or family) is not going to change.

brishti

and after all is said and done [?] kjarvis, never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


:brishti

apologies kjarvis for the previous smarta** comment above just one of them days - no justifications will do

to make up for it: here's an indian girls perspective. marrying into an indian family is tough enough for indians - hence it is doubly tough for someone from another land to accomodate an absolutely different social norm. it is not easy - plenty of adjustments. plenty of expectations from family of the 'bahu'

heck - there aint no 'idiot's guide' to a successful marriage. there are never any guarantees you have got insights from them IMer posts above. take them info into consideration and then go with your gut.

shucks - you're just 19 kjarvis, take time out, come visit india, live here for a while - get a feel of the land and its people - then do whatever it is your heart tells you to

wish you only the very best whichever way it goes.


:brishti

Viknesh

know the family first then make decision. perhaps u should move silently to know family first. see whether u can fit.

Aishah

kjarvis - most of the posters have given you very good advice. I agree with Brownboy, do talk to your own family and friends. From my own experience - there is no way I would have married the man I have here if I was a lot younger. I would have missed all my outdoor activities which I loved, surfboard riding, skiing,cycling, swimming, skating etc. I would have had no social life to compensate - language difficulties here, lack of education etc. No interesting 'groups' e.g. drumming, belly dancing, writers' centre etc. The climate is frightful.
So with all that in mind, will you miss where you are from now?
I suggest you go and stay first with the family and see what the life will be, before you are married. What their expectations will be for you. You will be well chaperoned I might add, but this won't matter - you just might be able to get away some other place for a trip! Take your time to make your decision.

__________________
"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."

Annita

Hi everybody!!!

I was in India a couple of months ago for a 6 weeks course, and at the Institute where I was studying, I met a guy on the very first day. I was kind of disappointed from long trip and all in the beginning, and that guy seemed a light for me who came and introduced himself, and promised that my days will pass wonderfully. It encouraged me a bit, and day by day we started to discover new interests, either playing tennis, or just sitting together on campus and talking. In a short period of time, he told me about his feelings...love...and I felt I also have some feelings towards him. We had less days to meet but we enjoyed the remaining days a lot. Many nice moments...

I came back home, thinking that time will pass and we will forget each other. But on the contrary, we became more attached to each other. BUT, I am afraid the marriage will be to family as it was posted above. And the difference between cultures will have great impact. So, now, I am thinking to visit once again India, but now for a long time, to feel the life, and to see if I can find myself there or not...Really difficult decision to make...But we love each other and we understand the difficulty that waits for us...

Shiva

Years ago, I was dating an Indian guy for a couple of months. Just when we started talking about getting married (we planned to live together in India), his family suddenly organised a local woman for him. He did not hesitate one second and agreed to his family plans. Everything changed in one day.

In my opinion, if your boy was always living in India, there is a chance that he is so attached and used to his own traditions and culture, it will be very hard for you to fit in.

A 'normal' indian boy can change his clothes, language, looks etc. - but never his mind and what's in there...

Good luck

Shiva

Annita

Shiva,

There is really truth in what you just posted. Actually, while talking about marriage, he always mentions that he hopes his family will give him confirmation for his decision. For that, he needs not to be dependent to anyone, needs to stand on earth by his own strength which will be a bit difficult. Families are not aware yet, and we both have fear to tell them now. But there is one big hope, if God wanted us to meet, and if He wants us to continue, then it will happen.

p.s. He assures me if not me, then he will not marry to anyone else.

Captain_Neel

This sort of stuff usually does not stand the test of time.
Again my opinion...

kmalik

Agree with the concerns raised relating to age. Also, if you have not spent any time in India, it is a very doubtful decision to directly consider moving there on a permanent basis.

Speaking as an Indian male very happily married to a German for the last 16 years (living in the US), a lot depends upon how sensitive your mate is relative to the needs and sensibilities of his 'foreign' partner and how assertive he can be with his family to protect and support them will be the difference between happiness and misery for you. For us, the family stuff has been less of a problem as we live in the US. My family met my wife in India 1.5 years after we got married, not by accident as we insisted on a marriage without relatives from Germany or India to keep it a low stress affair. Even though all my family loves and thinks very highly of my wife, there are enough situations in our infrequent and short trips to India where I have to be the bad guy to the family to keep their fertile imagination and ideas in check. Were it not for that, I am sure my wife would have been turned off.

So, a well formed sense of personal direction and being assertive to the family in your Indian mate is particularly important here - as your interaction with the family and country (India) will have a very significant interface through your partner. To me, the getting permission from the family thing would be a strong counter-indication indeed.

AwayFromHome

I seem to recall some stats that show couples who "lived in sin" have a dramatically higher probability of divorec (if they get married, that is).

Otherwise, agree with comments about OP being too young to contemplate such a serious decision.
As for the culture thing - it all depends on the individual and the family you are marrying into. I have been happily married to an American for 18 years, and she is closer to my family than her own. It is not possible to come up with a 'one size fits all' answer to the culture thing.

shelley13

I am so glad there is a place to go and talk to other people in the same situation as I am in.
I spent 2 months in India and met someone in the first 2 weeks I was there and spent the rest of my time there with him.

His mother had previously asked him to have an arranged marriage and he declined it as he said he wanted to marry for love. Also he is in the restaurant/guesthouse business and meets and sees a lot of foreigners on a daily basis and is one of the more modern Indians I have met.

I am now going back to India in 6 or 7 weeks to pursue a relationship with him. The family thing is a hurdle, definitely. I love his family and have met them, and most of them asked me on a daily basis when I was marrying him (not his mother though, I think it's harder for her to deal with). I had to explain the concept of dating to them, as they just didn't understand why I spent 2 months with him but have not arranged a date to marry him.

I am not 19 though, and I am 31, so I feel like I have some life experience to back me up.

But I told him, I can't live with his whole family. If this is going to work I'll need to retain some of my own culture and independence, and he agrees with me too. So I guess we'll see....