Indian view on an english girl marrying an Indian man.

kjarvis · Feb 14th, 2008, 22:23

Ive been dating an Indian for 6 months, and we have decided to get married. He then wants me to come back to live at his family home in Delhi.
What is the view and practicality of this?
How difficult would it be for me to adjust to life there, and what would be expected of me?
Is it difficult to make friends and socialise as a westener?

Would really appreciate any feedback, as i am apprehensive about the situation.

capt_mahajan · Feb 14th, 2008, 22:38

First of all, congratulations and good luck.

Frankly, it all depends on how orthodox the family is, and how assertive both of you can be. I would try and live seperately from the family for awhile at least.

Adjusting to India will take time too. Browse the expat forum on indiamike, some good threads there on how people adjust/find it difficult etc.

Making friends and socialising is upto you, though it may become difficult living in an Indian 'joint family' setup, where friends tend to be common, but not always.

shashank.aggarwal · Feb 14th, 2008, 22:56

It would be almost like losing your identity and getting a new one...some people find it painful, and some people accept it..a lot depends on your attitude...

edwardseco · Feb 15th, 2008, 00:56

Numero uno. You marry the family not the individual! Do you love the family? I thought the world of my tough, iconoclastic small potential mother in law. I had a further advantage in that my brother in law and wife were professionals in a similar class basis and that has developed nicely. I have spent a lot of time with them but not enough for my liking. The pursuit of graduate studies was a shared bond. The rest of the family it was probably better for me not to know and I was fortunate not to have them resident. You have to evaluate the situation for yourself from a logical viewpoint. Love does not conquer all, bass (no Devanagari script on this computer).

As negative as I might sound I should add there are some great satisfactions that come with it as well. My son walking first time in a crowd of Bengali speaking relatives priceless pandemonium. Just shy 30 years of marriage to my pile of shona.

As a woman you come at a disadvantage since you are lower ranking and worse foren with a lot of somewhat deserved attitudes therein. I was just taking off their hands a woman and at reasonable dowry demand at that. I have seen it work beautifully and fail miserably. Walk carefully and may the grace of God go with you..

Alohaguy · Feb 15th, 2008, 03:17

Quote:

Originally Posted by shashank.aggarwal

It would be almost like losing your identity and getting a new one...some people find it painful, and some people accept it..a lot depends on your attitude...

Well said!
This is not to discourage you at all. One advice, do not live in a joint family environment. As I said to another poster before, you are a nice person, they are also nice people. But, sum of these two is not really nice.
Good luck!

edwardseco · Feb 15th, 2008, 04:29

Yes, it really has to be "you" to use an old cliche. I met a devotee of the real Sai Baba who married into a joint family and lived the remainder of her life in that. At the end of her life I visited and asked her if she wanted to go back home. She said why, this is my family. But, you have to be inclined to that special challenge. I miss the supports of a joint family but not the stress. It isn't me..

Roaming Jack · Feb 15th, 2008, 04:57

Er ... you're 19 years old per your profile. Wot's the rush -- to get married in the first place? Why not try living "in sin" for a while -- whether in India or not?

kristinm · Feb 15th, 2008, 06:47

Putting on Mum hat here - you are only 19 - a little young to be so serious about such a short relationship and a little young to be so keen to settle down into domesticity?.. Why not just shack up for a bit together? Do some travelling together? Even go to Delhi and live together or separately if that won't fly with the family.... You have your whole life ahead of you, plenty of time..

Nattusbs · Feb 15th, 2008, 06:56

I agree that 19 is way too young to get married, male or female, regardless of culture. It was the norm a generation or 2 ago, but, these are different times. In addition, dating only 6 months could be too short. On top of that the possibility of living with his family in India - doesn't matter how modern or westernized they are. You add up all of these factors, and I would say, wait a while. Enjoy life, finish your education and embark on a career (both of you). Travel together, visit India more often and see if this is what you want. What's the hurry?

Cheers

Nattusbs

Alohaguy · Feb 15th, 2008, 08:26

Didn't check her age before opening my mouth. I say "Ditto" to the last three posters.

nomad · Feb 15th, 2008, 08:28

and why are we treating a 19 year old like a kid????

I think just like individuals, every family is different. so what Ms. X went thru might not be of any significance to you.

one of my neighbor had a Japanese daughter in law. not only the family but the entire row of 10 -15 houses used to like her.

and someone here once mentioned how much her in-laws hated her.

just talk to your guy about these things also.

all the best. everything is gonna be alrite

capt_mahajan · Feb 15th, 2008, 08:31

I didn't check the OP's age either, but I don't know if that is critical.

More important, I think, is how supportive and assertive both of them can be with the extended family, particularly him.

kristinm · Feb 15th, 2008, 08:32

19 year olds should be behaving like kids, well teenagers anyway - not like adults... If they are really that much in love, they still will be in 2 or 3 years time when they have lived a little. Just having a little Mum freakout here - I would hate to see my son 'settled down' at 19!

Alohaguy · Feb 15th, 2008, 08:39

She is not a kid but, 19 means she hasn't even finished her education. In this day and age every girl needs to have enough education to stand on her own financially. If she gets married at 19, she will end up depending financially on someone throughout her life. Marriage at 19 is not a good idea.

kristinm · Feb 15th, 2008, 08:43

What IS it with the young these days... they are so conservative compared to us. Who was it said youth is wasted on the young? Sorry OP I am not meaning to give you a hard time... and I know love is wonderful.. but life is much longer than you think!

Feb 14th, 2008, 22:23	#1
kjarvis Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Brussels Posts: 1	Indian view on an english girl marrying an Indian man. Ive been dating an Indian for 6 months, and we have decided to get married. He then wants me to come back to live at his family home in Delhi. What is the view and practicality of this? How difficult would it be for me to adjust to life there, and what would be expected of me? Is it difficult to make friends and socialise as a westener? Would really appreciate any feedback, as i am apprehensive about the situation.

Feb 14th, 2008, 22:56	#3
shashank.aggarwal Mr. Badboy :D Join Date: May 2007 Location: ~ Dilli ~ Posts: 5,525	It would be almost like losing your identity and getting a new one...some people find it painful, and some people accept it..a lot depends on your attitude... __________________ Travelogue - Around India Random Reviews

Feb 15th, 2008, 08:28	#11
nomad Maha Guru Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Singapura Posts: 614	and why are we treating a 19 year old like a kid???? I think just like individuals, every family is different. so what Ms. X went thru might not be of any significance to you. one of my neighbor had a Japanese daughter in law. not only the family but the entire row of 10 -15 houses used to like her. and someone here once mentioned how much her in-laws hated her. just talk to your guy about these things also. all the best. everything is gonna be alrite __________________ Rahul Verma http://rverma.smugmug.com www.pbase.com/rverma

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Feb 14th, 2008, 22:38	#2
capt_mahajan (in charge of navel affairs) Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: India Posts: 10,134	First of all, congratulations and good luck. Frankly, it all depends on how orthodox the family is, and how assertive both of you can be. I would try and live seperately from the family for awhile at least. Adjusting to India will take time too. Browse the expat forum on indiamike, some good threads there on how people adjust/find it difficult etc. Making friends and socialising is upto you, though it may become difficult living in an Indian 'joint family' setup, where friends tend to be common, but not always.

Feb 15th, 2008, 00:56	#4
edwardseco Maha Guru Member Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: Land that shakes and bakes. Posts: 3,942	Numero uno. You marry the family not the individual! Do you love the family? I thought the world of my tough, iconoclastic small potential mother in law. I had a further advantage in that my brother in law and wife were professionals in a similar class basis and that has developed nicely. I have spent a lot of time with them but not enough for my liking. The pursuit of graduate studies was a shared bond. The rest of the family it was probably better for me not to know and I was fortunate not to have them resident. You have to evaluate the situation for yourself from a logical viewpoint. Love does not conquer all, bass (no Devanagari script on this computer). As negative as I might sound I should add there are some great satisfactions that come with it as well. My son walking first time in a crowd of Bengali speaking relatives priceless pandemonium. Just shy 30 years of marriage to my pile of shona. As a woman you come at a disadvantage since you are lower ranking and worse foren with a lot of somewhat deserved attitudes therein. I was just taking off their hands a woman and at reasonable dowry demand at that. I have seen it work beautifully and fail miserably. Walk carefully and may the grace of God go with you..

Feb 15th, 2008, 04:29	#6
edwardseco Maha Guru Member Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: Land that shakes and bakes. Posts: 3,942	Yes, it really has to be "you" to use an old cliche. I met a devotee of the real Sai Baba who married into a joint family and lived the remainder of her life in that. At the end of her life I visited and asked her if she wanted to go back home. She said why, this is my family. But, you have to be inclined to that special challenge. I miss the supports of a joint family but not the stress. It isn't me..

Feb 15th, 2008, 04:57	#7
Roaming Jack Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: San Francisco Posts: 29	Er ... you're 19 years old per your profile. Wot's the rush -- to get married in the first place? Why not try living "in sin" for a while -- whether in India or not?

Feb 15th, 2008, 06:47	#8
kristinm Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Beautiful Bondi (not Bundi!) Posts: 1,483	Putting on Mum hat here - you are only 19 - a little young to be so serious about such a short relationship and a little young to be so keen to settle down into domesticity?.. Why not just shack up for a bit together? Do some travelling together? Even go to Delhi and live together or separately if that won't fly with the family.... You have your whole life ahead of you, plenty of time..

Feb 15th, 2008, 06:56	#9
Nattusbs Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Costa Mesa Posts: 358	I agree that 19 is way too young to get married, male or female, regardless of culture. It was the norm a generation or 2 ago, but, these are different times. In addition, dating only 6 months could be too short. On top of that the possibility of living with his family in India - doesn't matter how modern or westernized they are. You add up all of these factors, and I would say, wait a while. Enjoy life, finish your education and embark on a career (both of you). Travel together, visit India more often and see if this is what you want. What's the hurry? Cheers Nattusbs

Feb 15th, 2008, 08:26	#10
Alohaguy Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Hawaii USA Posts: 168	Didn't check her age before opening my mouth. I say "Ditto" to the last three posters.

Feb 15th, 2008, 08:31	#12
capt_mahajan (in charge of navel affairs) Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: India Posts: 10,134	I didn't check the OP's age either, but I don't know if that is critical. More important, I think, is how supportive and assertive both of them can be with the extended family, particularly him.

Feb 15th, 2008, 08:32	#13
kristinm Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Beautiful Bondi (not Bundi!) Posts: 1,483	19 year olds should be behaving like kids, well teenagers anyway - not like adults... If they are really that much in love, they still will be in 2 or 3 years time when they have lived a little. Just having a little Mum freakout here - I would hate to see my son 'settled down' at 19!

Feb 15th, 2008, 08:39	#14
Alohaguy Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Hawaii USA Posts: 168	She is not a kid but, 19 means she hasn't even finished her education. In this day and age every girl needs to have enough education to stand on her own financially. If she gets married at 19, she will end up depending financially on someone throughout her life. Marriage at 19 is not a good idea.

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Feb 15th, 2008, 08:43	#15
kristinm Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Beautiful Bondi (not Bundi!) Posts: 1,483	What IS it with the young these days... they are so conservative compared to us. Who was it said youth is wasted on the young? Sorry OP I am not meaning to give you a hard time... and I know love is wonderful.. but life is much longer than you think!