Same Sex Couple Moving to Hyderabad?

Well, first of all, I'm no troll. If you'll read my profile, you'll see that I'm simply an honest woman posing an honest question. You can also find ALL of my other posts about India, something you normally won't find in a troll posting.

Unless you are 1/2 of a lesbian couple raising a child and thinking about moving to a conservative Indian city--you do NOT know the concerns I might have. I have concerns for my safety, my partner's safety and most of all, my child's safety.

Gauging how that process might play out in advance BEFORE we accept the assignment is the goal of my asking this question. It's called research. We did the same thing when a job in Bangkok was presented. Unfortunately it fell through which is a shame because that response was all "sure, whatever, no one cares!"

I had not thought about the 'death' lie opening me up to the advances of Indian men. That's a good point and I do think perhaps the answer is to say that my husband stayed behind in his very important job while I'm helping my sister. Now how to explain where her husband is? Also working in the USA in his very important job.
Grr. This is complicated.
Sometimes the truth seems easier, let them ask all the questions they want, I don't care.
I just want to know if we are honest and truthful will our safety be compromised?
That's my biggest concern.

Thanks!

still feel a lie would be safer , if it were Mumbai or Blore no one would care , H'bad is a bit conservative.

Thanks, that was my gut feeling, too.
We'll figure out a lie (probably husband working) and just stick to it.

The offer is still up in the air (economy), but it's good to know what our options are so if we can go, we are prepared.

Of course, I'll post back here with how the experience turned out to be!

Hi dltucker,

Folks in India will not care if the 2 of you live under the same roof. But if it was a man and a woman, they would be curious about their marital status. Therefore, if you do not go out of your way to define your relationship in detail, no one will care.
If you said your partner was your friend,no one will care to dig further.Friends of the same sex sharing living quarters is common in India. Of course you will need to avoid PDA's( Public displays of affection).. hand holding actually may be OK, as guys do it too(it is no indication of sexual orientation); but kissing in public, or a tight embrace would be a NO NO!. Same holds regarding kissing/embracing for hetero couples.

I've lived in Hyderabad my whole life. Yes, I'm a local. If you guys move into a locality like Banjara Hills or Jubliee Hills or even parts of Secunderabad, you would have a better quality of life and people around are more or less liberal.

If they were to ask about the baby just say that the father is no more. About the advances from Indian men, as long as you have a child with you I don't think you will have much to worry about.

About the PDA bit, I'm quite used to seeing women hug, kiss and hold hands here. Its like normal I guess, or maybe thats just me. The people out here will think you two are "best friends" or something. Now, if you were kissing a guy in public, THAT would make people stare.

About the advances from men again, I think every beautiful woman gets that anywhere in the world if shes married, unmarried, gay or otherwise. Its just a common male tendency.(Spoke like a true male huh ). Anyway, I'm just being honest. Let me know if you have any issues about stuff like this in Hyderabad :-) .

Rahul

Safety, probably not, quality of life probably yes. I think you figured it out, a good cover story works wonders where one can't change minds..

Again, very good answers!

We have been traveling for the past 10 years to some very conservative places. Once, we lived in a house together (separate bedrooms!) of a Penecostal family (extremely religious) while we were studying Spanish in Central America. No one ever had a clue! So, we are quite good at the cover-up game.

I'm also used to advances from men. It comes with the territory and when you are blond haired and blue eyed in a sea of Indians/Asians/Latins/Arabs, you do get attention!

I really do appreciate everyone chiming in with honest and helpful answers. I think we will do just fine there, regardless of what we end up with as the 'story' and I think it will be an amazing experience.

Now, we just have to find a housesitter for the cats...I believe that task is going to be harder than this one!

Hi People, I live in Hyderabad for the past seven years. As others said, it is a bit conservative place and people find it 'extremely' 'comfortable' to ask very personal questions. But, a good lie can shut their mouth.

The good answer, in my opinion, should be that ur husband works in some company in USA and can not come and you alone came with ur sister/cousin to see India. If you take vacation for a week after 2/3 months, you as well can say that he came to Delhi/Goa and you guys met there and he returned back to US. You can easily stay for six months time.

i think you there will not be any problem. i am from hyderabad. jfirst of all not many people ask. only those whom you interact more often may ask you casually. well you can just make it simple.

you both are two sis and that your baby. and you are separated from husband .So its better to keep it simple.
you rae separated and you both are sis.

I think most people have said whats most important.

I think you should come. The sheer adventure and experience could be well worth it. But these lies can frustrate you. Especially if you have help who clean up etc, Gossip is a favorite pastime for most.

I am being a schemer, maybe, but I say have a photo for those colleagues who are nosy enough.

I have a gay friend and he had troubles for a long time even finding friends. His existing friends couldn't accept him. But he has recently found a set of friends where he can be himself and also "bond" and meet people. Its sorta of their own club where they can have fun, have relationships etc.

But I say "Be ready to get flustered a little bit."

You will find people who can accept you as you are!

If you try passing yourself off as friends, do bear in mind that the maid might start wondering why you only have one bed...

EDITED TO ADD: The Indian authorities are unlikely to recognise your relationship, even if you are married, so you (and possibly the baby if you're the biological mother) may have to visit under a tourist visa. This could cause another problem, in that people have reported that to bring a child to India from the US they have needed a letter of authorisation from the father...

Maybe ... it is not so unusual in India for family members to share a bed, esp if space is limited. You could simply "unmake" a second bed each night for the housekeeper's attention the following day.

It's all good !

Peace !

there will be a million and one questions and scenarios that will pop up in your head about the issue at hand if you keep dwelling on it. the best thing to do like everyone has said is keep your sexual orientation to your self and everything will work out. theres no reason to worry about your safety. no matter what you do people will tend to gossip in this country and it might not even have anything to do with being gay. so being a fellow new yorker i would say COME and experience it, the ups and the many downs, but it will all be worth it in the end.

You simply MUST go! Hyderabad is wonderful.

I am ½ of a lesbian couple who spent a year in the city. It is a truly wonderful place. I was never once afraid for myself or for my partner. The conservativism of Hyderabad is also part of what makes it such a magical place.

I am pretty butch. Short hair, trousers, shirt. Which certainly bemused my Indian friends and colleagues, but was never a 'problem'. We did not tell people we were a couple. The issue never came up. People will always ask you if you are married, and if you answer ‘no’ the next question is invariably, why? Or, will you marry my cousin? Had some propositions from men who wanted to marry me in order to get access to visas.

Honestly. It is not an issue for safety or sanity. Just take the whole thing in good humour. Tell people you are unmarried because you're waiting to marry for love or what-not. And then turn the conversation back on themselves. When did they get married etc. people everywhere like nothing better than to talk about themselves Of course, with a kid you might want to have an absent or dead father as an 'explanation', children out of wedlock is a far more relevant issue for Indian's that lesbianism.

Of course the people we worked with must have ‘known’, on some level. I cannot believe otherwise. People are not stupid. But they never brought it up and we never forced it on them. Hyderabad's conservativism is equally about what it is appropriate to talk about. PDA is not acceptable in Hyderabad (except between men). Even between straight couples. So accept that you will not be able to be intimate, except in private.

Hyderabad has very few tourists or foreigners. Especially so outside of the more 'Western' enclaves, so be prepared for the fact that people will stare at you and approach you on the street. However, this is far more likely to be because you are a foreigner, and not because you are lesbian.

A few concrete points:
- Where will you live: we lived in the old city which is poor and muslim so being open about our relationship really was not an option. If you live in Banjara Hills or secunderabad you will be exposed to a more ‘cosmopolitan’ population which will have more relaxed attitudes.
- Also, how will you live. If you live in rented accommodation, as in a room in someones house, you should be prepared for the fact that Indians do not share our notions of privacy. Your hosts will think it is strange that you keep closing the door to your room, and might barge in to ‘sweep the floor’ unannounced. If at all possible I would recommend finding a small flat to live in where you can shut the door.
- what will you wear. I wore trousers and shirts. Unheard of in India and not the best option if you want to ‘blend’ in. I do not know how old the two of you are. In Hyderabad Hindu women wear Salwars until marriage, after marriage they wear sarees. Muslim women wear burquas. In the Banjara Hills you will see girls wearing jeans and kurta tops. but is seen as incredibly juvenile in the rest of town. So, depending on age and comfort you might want to wear either saree or salwar. (may I recommend the lovely Daram http://www.dastkarandhra.org/ in Begumpet if you find the Indian penchant for mixed fibers traumatic in the heath and want some lovely cotton outfits)[my apologies to moderators, know you don't like 'advertisement']

It would be a lie to say that life as a lesbian is easy there, for foreigners or for locals.. Check out this article about the lot of local lesbians.
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/C...ow/4239924.cms Though there are moves towards liberalisation in the rest of India, http://towardfreedom.com/home/content/view/1462/1/ Hyderabad is one of the few megacities not to have any registered support groups for lesbians. For details on support groups, meeting places or just to chat to local women about life and love check out http://www.indiandost.com/gay_group.php

Can I just repeat, you MUST go! This is one of those opportunities you simply don't want to miss out on. Hyderabad is simply amazing, the people are friendly and welcoming and we never had cause to worry for our safety. If you have other questions or want some specific advice PM me and we will try to answer your queries.