Joke for the day!! (part deux)

While I was driving down the A40 the other day, (going a little faster
than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on
the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over,
walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk asked:
"Runway too short?"

To which I replied: "I'm late for work."

To which he asked: "What do you do?"

I responded: "I'm a rectum stretcher"

The copper was surprised and confused : "A rectum stretcher, and just what
does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side
to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously : "And just what do you
do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied : "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge .."

Speeding ticket: £105.00
Penalty Points : 3
Court costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless

> > Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to
> > one side
> >
> > "When I married your mother, the first thing I did
> > when we got home was
> > take off my trousers,"
> >
> > he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to
> > put them on . When
> > she did,
> >
> > they were enormous on her and she said to me that she
> > couldn't possibly
> > wear them,
> >
> > as they were too large. "I told her, "of course
> > they're too big. I wear the
> > trousers in this family
> >
> > and I always will. "Ever since that day, we have never
> > had a single
> > problem.
> >
> > " Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he
> > got Jill alone after the
> > wedding,
> >
> > he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them
> > to Jill and told
> > her to put them on.
> >
> > Jill said that the trousers were too big and she
> > couldn't possibly wear
> > them.
> > "Exactly," replied Jack." I wear the
> > trousers in this relationship and I
> > always will.
> >
> > I don't want you to forget that.
> >
> > " Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them
> > to Jack. "Try these
> > on," she said,
> > so he tried them on but they were too small.
> >
> > "I can't possibly get into your knickers,"
> > said Jack. "Exactly," replied
> > Jill.
> >
> > "And if you don't change your f *** ing attitude,
> > you never will."
> >

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park..
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £2000. Morning-suit rental-£100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife..
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike , Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike , Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. ..........None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. .........She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. ......There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Some Irish jokes for you.

"Paddy walking down by the river one afternoon, and comes across a priest baptising a woman, so paddy stands there and watches whilst the priest takes the girl by the back of the neck and proceeds to duck her under, after he finishes with the girl he does the same too a small child thats with the gathering crowd, paddy goes over and says to the priest "whats going on" the priest replies "these good people are in search of our lord jesus"

paddy says, "i'll have some of that" so the priest takes paddy by the shoulders and dunks him under the water for 10 seconds, brings him out and says "paddy , have you found jesus" - "No" replies paddy, so the priest dunks him under again, this time leaving him under for 30 seconds, he brings paddy up and says to him " have you found jesus paddy" "No" says paddy, so the priest dunks paddy down for a third time, this time holding him under for a whole minute, when the vicar brings paddy up gasping for breath the vicar asks "have you found jesus paddy" paddy says spluttering like mad " are you sure this is where he fell in"

Hey," said a new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great Irish jokes."

"Before you start," said the big bloke in the corner, ", I'm Irish."

"Don't worry," said the newcomer, "I'll tell them slowly."

Paddy goes in to the library and says "Can i have a fish supper, please?".

The librarian says "I'm sorry. This is a library."

Then Paddy says (whisper) "Can I have a fish supper, please?"

--------------------------------------------


Paddy walks into a London pub and orders 3 pints of guiness. He then proceeds to take alternate sips from each pint till he finishes them.

Barman asks him why he drinks this way to which Paddy replies. "I have 2 brothers, one lives in Ireland and the other in Oz. We decided to drink like this whenever we go to a pub in order to remember each other"

This goes on for many years till one day Paddy orders only 2 pints. Guessing what has happened the barman commiserates with Paddy for the loss of his brother to which Paddy replies.

"There's nothing wrong with my brother, It's me I've given up drinking"

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane.

They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walkedup to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, "Yeah.." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The rescue crew were shocked.

One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you..you know...eat their...ah, err, 'things'?"

The chief said, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief. "Things go better with Coke."

Idea for Obama and brown

It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France, holiday season
is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business
happening. Everyone is heavily in debt.

Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local
hotel. He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception counter,

takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third
floor.

The hotel owner takes the banknote in hurry and rushes to his meat supplier
to whom he owes E100.
The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt.
The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some
time ago.
The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave
him her services on credit.
The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her
hourly room use to entertain clients.
At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the
hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his E100 back
and departs.

There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the
small town people look optimistically towards their future.

COULD THIS BE THE SOLUTION TO THE Global Financial Crisis? Or, is there catch here?

Frederick II, the eighteenth-century King of Prussia, fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and in some respects he was. On one occasion he is supposed to have interested himself in conditions in the Berlin prison and was escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners. One after the other, the prisoners fell to their knees before him, bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter innocence of all charges that had been brought against them.

Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick's curiosity was aroused.

'You,' he called. 'You there.'

The prisoner looked up. 'Yes, Your Majesty?'

'Why are you here?'

'Armed robbery, Your Majesty.'

'And are you guilty?'

'Entirely guilty, Your Majesty. I richly deserve my punishment.'

At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said, 'Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not have him here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid innocent people who occupy it.'

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!!!!"

man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup final.

As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a Seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year,and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head...



"No. They're all at the funeral."

Two deaf guys are trying to buy some condoms, but the pharmacist does not read sign.
Frustrated they go outside to figure out a way to make him understand what they want.
Finally one of the guys gets an idea, goes into the pharmacy, whips out his member and lays his money beside it on the counter.
The pharmacist looks around to make sure no other customers are in the store, whips out his member and takes the money.
The guy goes out and signs the event to his friend.
The friend goes in to the pharmacy and comes out about five minutes later.
The first guy signs asking if he got the condoms.
The second guy signs back, "No, but I got your money back."
........

We all know this one

One day a man was having a conversation with God when his whole life flashed before his eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time. He saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult periods of his life there were only one set of footprints. He asked God "You said you will be with me throughout this journey, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of my life??" to which God answered "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints Because during those difficult times in your life, I was carrying you in my hands"

Now know this one too!!!

Another day I was having a similar conversation with my Project Manager (PM) when my whole project flashed before my eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time. I saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult times in the project there were only one set of footprints. I asked my PM "You said you will be with me throughout the project, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of the project??" to which the PM answered "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times, I was sitting on your head!!"

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates
parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates
Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills
hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this???

It gets worse........
next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

A little child's prayers

Dear God,
Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Dad's computer.