Joke for the day!! (part deux)

An elderly lady complains to the M.D. that she passes gas many times a day. "It's really more of a nuisance than a problem," she explains, "They're silent and they don't smell." The M.D. gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a week.

She returns and says, "I don't know what it was you gave me, doc, but I still pass gas all the time, it is still silent, but it smells terribly!"

The M.D. replies, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll see what we can do for your hearing."

.....good one psy_ko

i had fun catching up with this thread!!

lmao...!!

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite 2 or three people up here to be put in a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
'I want you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch...watch...watch...watch. ..'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
'Watch the watch, watch the watch...watch...watch...watch. ..'
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch... 'Watch the watch, watch the watch...watch...watch...watch. ..'
Suddenly, the watch slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'Shit', said the hypnotist.
It took over 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.

I recall my first time with a condom, I was sixteen or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No. this is my first time'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused.. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head .
She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.'Well, come on', she said,'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that I could no longer hold back and .., I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.
I said,'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

now she is definitely !!

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand Binary, and those who don't.

Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody' down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon as I can."

So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.

When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"

St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth."

Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?"

St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery."

Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on the wall?"

St. Peter replies, "Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan."

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course ,the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done -
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh....yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied .
'Oh, no apology is necessary... ! Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genie ?????'

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know
where she stands right from the start of the marriage .
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

p.s serious thinkers might not find it funny considering the element of truth it contains.

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah ?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone,
one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher,a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service
and they arrived shortly after. He service man opened the bonnet and after a while the repair man
said " It looks like you've blown a seal ",
the man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache."