Joke for the day!! (part deux)

I heard this on MTV..it was in a skit..dont know how would it turn up here..

Two Boys Fighting..

First Boy : you are so poor in Maths that you got B- in your blood test...

Second Boy : And you are so bad in literature that you got a F in your Gender test...

Continuing your joke:

First Boy again: And YOU are so bad at hearing that you got a M (Btw, M comes after F ) in YOUR gender test...

Oops... I couldn't control!!

Don't want to take a panga here. ..but i refrained because the grading system stops at F..otherwise the blood can go till 'O'..

Nurse (admitting a female patient): Are you on any special diets?

Patient: Yes, I drink Slim-Fast twice a day, but it's not working. In fact, I've gained several pounds.

Nurse: Really? Do you think that skipping meals to drink a shake
makes you so hungry that you overeat later?

Patient: What do you mean, "skipping meals?"

A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.

" What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.

"John ," the new guy replied.

She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling............ My name is John Darling."

" Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

It would appear that the lunatic who set fire to himself after failing to blow up Glasgow airport is complaining about the food he is being given. He says he is sick of haggis, neeps and champit tatties.

What does he expect? He's in the Burns unit.

~To Americans, English manners are far more frightening than none at all~

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he
died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money
and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife
with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that
when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.Well, he
died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in
black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to
close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the
casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So
her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket
with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

After a tiresome day of being nagged, of listening to complaints, wittering and wailing from my wife, I went to my doc' drawer, retrieved our month old Marriage Certificate and started to study it intensely.

"What are you staring at that for" quoth she of the waspish tongue.

"I'm looking for the expiry date" quoth I

Silence befell the household.

~True statement in this case: My ex wife and I got re-married on 21 June this year. Our divorce 18 months ago didn't work out~

Now here's one for the etiquette experts - What does one do when a divorce falls apart, congratulate or commiserate?

Well, congratulations, and congratulations. If at first u don't succeed, try, try a gin!

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen
visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your
shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such
as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-
looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

Just came across this....

Excerpt.

Many more such weird sex laws here.

This is the typical state of IT guys in India.

What pressure and motivation can do......

this wud also be an exercise to practise Hindi for non-Hindi guys here

Love it.

Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.
Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.
Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.
Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right.
I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.
Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work,or he wanted the chicken to dance.
When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?"
Hmmm....It must be his job.

"Life doesn't come with an instruction manual.. that's why we have parents!"

A scam is being pulled, mainly on older men.

What happens is that when you stop for a red light late at night in Hyderabad, a beautiful young nude female pretends to wash your windscreen as another person opens the passenger door and grabs anything in the car.

They got me seven times on Friday and five times on Saturday.


I wasn’t able to find them on Sunday.