Joke for the day!! (part deux)

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the
telephone.

"Hillen, it's the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but
there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en
Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New
Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted
babies - wi'll be ruined!"

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from
abroad...Brutain?..."

PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"

PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."

Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion
condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how
bug the Kiwis really are!!"

Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.

Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.

A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10
unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices
in small writing on each and ivery one.........

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM


Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie .... Oy Oy Oy

"large" Adam here. great joke.

Q. What is the difference between an airline pilot, and a greengrocer?





A. One flies planes, and the other one sells fruit.

This was fun to do. Better score in the morning than in the afternoon


http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbo...n_version5.swf

Nice ones

Larki55... brilliant philosophy with a smattering of male pig-headedness there! Almost too good to be called a joke

The Guy's Rules I love it! So funny! Thanks for sharing larki55!

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Scroll down















Then he added a mouth.

Ruined the whole damn thing.





_____

It takes either years of practice to do this asana or you can have 8 pegs of whiskey and do it cleanly

Don't make a mistake!!!!
I'm absolutely sure - it's not whiskey. It's vodka - as it's clear for me that it's our Russian men.

HAAAAAAAAA!!!!
good stuff, phantom

It is the news of the day that the European Commission has just announced an agreement, whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. Now that customs barriers have been abrogated, that all member States have adopted a single monetary currency, and that a common passport reunites all Europeans under the same flag, the next logical step was to have a common language denominator.
Americans in particular will appreciate the paramount importance of a single, common language and medium of communication. How would the United States look and sound like if, for example, people spoke German on the East Coast, English in the Midwest, French in California and Italian in the Deep South? Certainly it would be enough to give Ol’ Uncle Sam a huge headache. Fortunately, linguistic diversity will no longer be a problem in Europe in the forthcoming future.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted therefore a 5-year phase-in plan that would modify 'British English' (the one I normally use ...) in favor of the new "Euro-Englisch". Here are the highlights of the plan.
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20 persent shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yar pople wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with"z" and "w" with "v" as well as "sh" with "sch".
During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yar, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozar. Ze drem of a United Urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yar, vi vil al be speking German like zey vunted in zeforst plas.
So, vhat do yu zink abut it ?

Didn't realise I was in the Joke Thread until I was some way into that

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.


The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit


Dave: - I reckon he’s an accountant


Stuart: - No way - he’s a stockbroker.


Dave: - He ain’t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn’t come in here!


The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.


Dave: - ‘Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering
what you do for a living?


Suit: - No offence taken! I’m a Logical Scientist by profession.


Dave: - Oh? What’s that then?


Suit: - I’ll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at
home?


Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!


Suit: - Well, it’s logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?


Dave: - It’s in a pond!


Suit: - Well it’s reasonable to suppose that you have a large
garden
then?


Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.


Suit: - Well then it’s logical to assume that, in this town, if you
have
a large garden then you have a large house?


Dave: - As it happens I’ve got a five bedroom house . built it
myself!


Suit: - Well given that you’ve built a five bedroom house it’s
logical
to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you
are
quite probably married?


Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.


Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are s*xually
active
with your wife on a regular
basis?


Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!


Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don’t m*sturbate
very often?


Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!


Suit: - Well there you are! That’s logical science at work!


Dave: - How’s that then?


Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I’ve told you
about your s*x life!


Dave: - I see! That’s pretty impressive. Thanks mate!


Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.


Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?



Dave: - Yep! He’s a logical scientist!


Stuart: - What’s that then?


Dave: - I’ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?


Stuart: - Nope


Dave: - Well then, you’re a w*nker

CH, good one!!

superb.

if you cannot get to the solution ...redefine the problem....