Joke for the day!! (part deux)

Why don't sharks attack bankers? Professional courtesy.

----------------

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. As he tried it on, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets, but to his surprise found none.

He mentioned this to the tailor, who asked him, "You're a banker, right?" The young man answered, "Yes, I am."

"Well, whoever heard of a banker who put his hand in his own pocket?"

----------------

A man visits his bank manager and says, "How do I start a small business?" The manager replies, "Start a large one and wait six months."

----------------

If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.

----------------

Hospitals report that the hearts of bankers are in strong demand by transplant patients, because they've never been used.

----------------

Bankers never die... they just lose interest.

--------------

One night at a bar, a conventioneer sits down next to an attractive women and orders a drink.

The woman, apparently having already downed a few drinks, turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye, and says, "Listen here, good looking. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding! I'm in banking too!

----------------

What's the problem with banker jokes? Bankers don't think they're funny; normal people don't think they're jokes.

JP, the last one takes the cake!!

My sex change operation, from male to female, went really well
yesterday. In fact, it was so successful, I’m still trying to reverse out
of the hospital car park.----
joke not real !!

Congrats Jaws!

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

"I am Scottish and I am a golfer," said the old fellow, "and that is why I am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it."

"Well," said the doctor, "I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad died?"

The doctor was amazed.

"You mean you are 80 years old and your dad is still alive? How old is he?"

"He is 100 years old," said the old Scottish golfer. "In fact, he golfed wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had another wee dram, and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot, and he is a golfer, too."

"Well," the doctor said, "that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Grandad is dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asked, "You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He is 118 years old," said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandad could nae go this mornin' because he is getting married today."

At this point, the doctor was close to losing it. "Getting married! Why would a 118-year-old bloke want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

Confucius say, "If you are in a book store and cannot find the book for which you search, you are obviously in the...

LAN, LAN ago, in the land of I/O-dhya, there ruled a king named DOS-rat. Three queens had he - CONSOLE-ya, CHECKSUM-itra and CIE/CAE (Kaikeyi). However, he had no line drivers - i.e. no one to perpetuate his line. In sheer desperation, he performed a great sacrifice after which his queens gave birth to four sons - RAM, LSIman, BUG-rat and SED-rughana.

RAM was a microchip off the old block - he had an excellent memory, he logged in quickly and semi-conducted himself in a manner fit for a king. His brothers, however, were only perpheralI ICs; everytime RAM addressed them, they said, "I-C". Once when RAM was only sixteen years old, the great sage Vish-WAN-mitra sought his help to fight some DAEMONs who persistently RAIDed his hermitage. After a brief collision, RAM routed them so easily that he came to be called DAEMON ROUTER.

RAM then proceeded to Media, where he married Pricess C+ta. C+ta's sisters, who were not her blood sisters and hence called TRAN-sisters, married RAM's ICs. This ceremony came to be known as TTL.

On the way back to I/O-dhya,the entourage met Parasu-ROM (or P-ROM as he was better known), the scourge of the kshatriyas. Taking up the P-ROM challenge, RAM aimed an arrow at him; he threatened to take away P-ROM's powers of locomotion, thereby converting him to Static RAM.

P-ROM humbly withdrew and the procession reached I/O-dhya. Twelve years passed and DOS-rat decided to crown RAM as his successor. However, CIE/CAE, at the instigation of her BIOSed maid MANtharai(a real plotter), insisted that her son Bug-rat be crowned king and that RAM be banished to the FOR(;est for fourteen years. At this cruel and unexpected demAND, a surge passed thru DOS-rat and heCRASHED, power-less.

RAM agreed to go to FOR(;est and C+ta insisted to go with him. She said that at the time of her marriage, her father had advised her to follow the footsteps of her husband like a shadow, hence, she came to be called SHADOW-RAM. LSI-man was also resolved on accompanying his brother as a SLAVE LSI. Unable to bear separation,

DOS-rat died, setting the precedent that nosystemcould function in the absence of RAM. The forest was the dwelling of SPARC-nakha, the sister of RAW-van, King of LAN-ka. Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that he marry her. RAM routed her to LSI-man, who also politely declined. Perceiving C+ta to be the source code of her distress, she hastened to kill her. At this stage LSI-man executed the Memory resident code and converted SPARC-naak to SPARC-no-naak. He TRUNCATED her nose.

Weeping, SPARC-no-naak fled to LAN-ka, where RAW-van, moved by sisters plight, approached his uncle MAR-icha..Ignoring MAR-icha's compilation warnings not to RISC SPARC-ing a war with RAM, he insisted on going ahead.Accordingly, MAR-icha transformed himself into the form of golden sTAG and drew RAM deep into the forest. Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the deer, who, with his last breath, cried out desperately for LSI-man in RAM's voice. Fooled by this Virtual RAM cry, C+ta urged LSI-man to his brothers aid. Catching the opportunity, RAW-van delinked C+ta from her library and changed her root directory to LAN-ka by BROADCASTING her over sky.

RAM and LSI-man started FINDing for the missing i-node, c+ta allover the forest. They made friendship with the forest admin SU-greev and his powerful co-processor ha-NEUMAN. ha-NEUMAN was a legendary figure. He had a swollen cheek ARCHITECTURE. He was a child prodigy andcame up with newer methedologies and techniques which inspired many others. In particular his RAM mantra technique became extremely popular for generations. SU-greev agreed to help RAM but first wanted help from RAM todeletehisown root node VAALI.( valli?) SU-greev's intention was obvious. He wanted to be the only admin around & wanted to grab all the consulting jobs in the forest.

RAM fought with VALLI and surprised him using some un-documented features.VALLI cried foul and started complaining to the justice department saying that it was not a fair fight.RAM then convinced everyone using his trademark MICRO SOFT WORDs coupled with a few FREE vedic goodies.Though some of the onlookers such as ORACLE (seer)and pancha bhutas such as SUN, disagreed with RAM's micro soft touch,they all shut their mouths fearing RAM's reach among the user community. SU-greev was happy with the outcome and ordered his programmers to use powerful 'search' techniques to find the missing c+ta. His programmers searched all around the INTER-NETworked forests. Some of them shouted 'YAA-HOO' but ended up with 'not found' messages. Several other searchtechniques proved useless.

Ha-NEUMAN using a radically different paradigm devised a RISKy technology and used it to cross the seas at astonishing clock speeds. On the way he bumped with a few satellite signals but was able to avoid deflections due to his own high strength. As soon as ha-NEUMAN reached LAN-ka, he had to collidewithits firewall called LAN-ki. The firewall made disperate attempts to stop ha-NEUMAN entering into its internal web, but the great ha-NEUMANdetectedaloop hole in LAN-ki's firewall. Using micro code, he broke the security and entered LAN-ka.

After doing some local search, ha-NEUMAN found C+ta weeping under the weight of a TREE structure. ha-NEUMAN used a unique key-id (ring) to identify himself to C+ta. After decrypting the key, C+ta believed in him and asked him to send a STATUS_OK message to RAM through RING topology.
Meanwhile all the raakshasa BUGS around C+ta tied ha-NEUMANand tried to terminatehim using pyro-techniques. But ha-NEUMAN managed to spread chaos among the raakshasas by SPAMMING the fire using some side effects.

Several raakshasa programmers were later called to restorethe operational stability in LAN-ka. ha-NEUMAN happily escaped LAN-ka again and conveyed all the STATUS messages to RAM and SU-greev. RAM felt happy with ha-NEUMAN's methedology of execution and embarked on a project code named EXPLORER to delete the netESCAPING RAW-wan. He even created a bridge and GATEWAY to acess LAN-ka network.

In the mean time, signs were apparent in LAN-ka about the imminent danger from RAM's project EXPLORER, but RAW-wan refused to budge. Sensing disaster, his ownsub-programcalled vibhee-SHUN,executeda 'GO TO'statement and branched out to RAM's camp. RAW-wan still insisted on taking the all powerful RAM head-on. He decided to use the boons given to him by SUN, sHIVa etc.and prepared for the battle on a remote island on LAN-ka called JAVA.

He thought that his presence in JAVA will give him victory over RAM. RAM and his entourage made small and buggy progress in the begining but the world community on the whole started watching them with awe. In the battle on JAVA island, it appeared initially that RAM had no chance.

In fact one of the RAW-wan's SUN indrajIT(son) lmost killed RAM & LSI-man with a powerful brahma-astra called JAVA-BEAN. It appeared for a while that the world has seen the end of RAM's MICRO SOFT touch. But ha-NEUMAN resorted to some ACTIVE-Xgradients from HILL GATES and concocted a potion using some herbs. His powerful HERBAL-COMPUTER aided him in making this potion which restarted RAM and LSI-man. Appearing, reluctant RAM used the source code secrets of RAW-wan given by vibhee-SHUN and once and for all wiped out RAW-wan's presense on the earth. Before that he even SCHEDULED RAW-wan to come next day when all his resources were locked up bu RAM's virus weapons He proved again that even the so called invincible RAW-wan cannot be netESCAPED from his power.

After the battle, RAM spreaded his MICRO SOFT WORKS and other user friendly programs to all users across the world and every one lived happily thereafter.

You have two sides one out in the field and one in .

Each man that's in the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out .

When they are all out the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out .

Sometimes you get men still in and not out .

When both sides have been in and out including the not outs , THAT'S THE END OF THE GAME !

HOWZAT !!!!!

I gotta steal this for my inlaw working in Hyd. (for Micro-Soft)..

Grammar is important

Capital letters are the difference between
"helping your Uncle Jack off a horse"


&



"helping your uncle jack off a horse"

Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE

I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

Another one from FB.

DOG.....RESTAURANT.....JOKE... .

A guy was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man
walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were
about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached
the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I
know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like
this.

Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her".

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the
dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Sharing it on FB.