Joke for the day!! (part deux)
#2731 
Jun 23rd, 2012, 18:47 a.k.a. IndiaJP
- Join Date:
- Apr 2003
- Location:
- en route from Timbuk1 to Timbuk2
- Posts:
- 619
Quote:
I can't take the credit. It's attributed to John Cleese of Monty Python fame.
Originally Posted by Darklord 
Excellent one, JP. Shamelessly commandeered.
Excellent one, JP. Shamelessly commandeered. 
WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
This one is priceless. A lesson to be learned from Typing the wrong email address!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: April 4th, 2012
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!
This one is priceless. A lesson to be learned from Typing the wrong email address!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: April 4th, 2012
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!
#2733
Jun 24th, 2012, 17:50 a.k.a. IndiaJP
- Join Date:
- Apr 2003
- Location:
- en route from Timbuk1 to Timbuk2
- Posts:
- 619
Windows error messages
Wife will be Wife...
No matter whoever you are
Source FB
.
No matter whoever you are
Source FB
. 
Quote:
You said it, I didn't.
Originally Posted by naveenamohanrao Wife will be Wife......
No matter whoever you are....
Wife will be Wife......No matter whoever you are
.... sperehealfe
PS: distaff has got over the ankle she sprained in Kolkata but has now injured her left wrist. This means she can only come at me with one frying pan at a time.
Walt Whitman - Song of Myself
Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
#2737 
Jun 26th, 2012, 12:22 Humble servant of the self
- Join Date:
- Apr 2009
- Location:
- Almora
- Posts:
- 3,484
Why the big grin? A free leg is more lethal than a free hand if properly used! Now with a leg free, I guess you are doomed, both up and down!
Sometimes, the joy that the Daybreak brings, is unparalleled!
#2738 
Jun 26th, 2012, 12:24 a LEARNER here......be careful or ignore his posts
- Join Date:
- Mar 2011
- Location:
- India
- Posts:
- 4,572
@ jituyadav
.
Totaly confused how to explore the beautiful earth when one life is too short to complete my great India 
Totaly confused how to explore the beautiful earth when one life is too short to complete my great India Photo-Story: HARI-SILA or HARSIL
Deoriatal-Chopta, Big read but good
The World explained by 2 cows…
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.
The World explained by 2 cows…
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.
Quote:
Cheers to Women Power
Originally Posted by DaisyL To the lioness:
You go, girl!
To the lioness:You go, girl!
!
Quote:
Only women can say that
Originally Posted by hfot2 You said it, I didn't.
sperehealfe
You said it, I didn't.sperehealfe
!
Quote:
Quote:
I completely agree with jituyadav
Originally Posted by jituyadav Why the big grin? A free leg is more lethal than a free hand if properly used! Now with a leg free, I guess you are doomed, both up and down!
Why the big grin? A free leg is more lethal than a free hand if properly used! Now with a leg free, I guess you are doomed, both up and down! 
. It would be a deadly combination , better take more care 'NOW'! Come what may, there is no respite from frying pans, though
!PS: Good to know that distaff has recovered from sprained ankle, hopefully her wrist will be in top gear to serve a few 'aces' with the 'frying pans'
. Ho Ho
In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks,
"Teacher, can my mother get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"
The little girl says, "Forty."
The teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant."
The little girl asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"
The little girl answers, "Nineteen."
The teacher says, "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."
The little girl asks, "Can I get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old are you?"
The little girl says, "I'm seven years old."
The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."
The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."
In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks,
"Teacher, can my mother get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"
The little girl says, "Forty."
The teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant."
The little girl asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"
The little girl answers, "Nineteen."
The teacher says, "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."
The little girl asks, "Can I get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old are you?"
The little girl says, "I'm seven years old."
The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."
The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."
Good Morning ! One more from FB...excuse me if it is a repeat here .
INSTALLING HUSBAND!
A woman writes to the IT Technical support.....
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
_______ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ______ ___
_______
REPLY
DEAR Madam ,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5...
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT in any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.
Good Luck!
! One more from FB...excuse me if it is a repeat here .INSTALLING HUSBAND!
A woman writes to the IT Technical support.....
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
_______ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ______ ___
_______
REPLY
DEAR Madam ,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5...
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT in any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.
Good Luck!
Quote:
fiction following fact...
Originally Posted by jaws A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.
A GREEK CORPORATIONYou have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.
aka fodder scam...
change has had its 15 minutes.... now its time for turmoil....
PS: i maybe thejag! but call me Jag...
PS: i maybe thejag! but call me Jag...
Views on Shit
Taoism:
Shit happens.
Buddhism:
If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam:
If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism:
Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism:
Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism:
This shit happened before.
Catholicism:
Shit happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna:
Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism:
Send more shit.
Atheism:
No shit.
Jehova's Witness:
Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism:
There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science:
Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism:
Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Rastafarianism:
Let's smoke this shit.
Existentialism:
What is shit anyway?
Stoicism:
This shit doesn't bother me.
Taoism:
Shit happens.
Buddhism:
If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam:
If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism:
Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism:
Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism:
This shit happened before.
Catholicism:
Shit happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna:
Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism:
Send more shit.
Atheism:
No shit.
Jehova's Witness:
Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism:
There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science:
Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism:
Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Rastafarianism:
Let's smoke this shit.
Existentialism:
What is shit anyway?
Stoicism:
This shit doesn't bother me.
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