Joke for the day!! (part deux)

:th umbup::thumb up: :th umbup:

YOu mean being "American kills you"

Ivana
Nice work in post 2701 .Tks

Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and
sophisticated."
The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand
to get started and I have to jump on it while it's still going."

Woman goes to the dentist for a bad toothache. After examination.......

DENTIST: Sorry Miss - we're going to have to remove the tooth
PATIENT: No no..that's too painful - I'd rather have a baby (pain of)
DENTIST: You got to let me know - I've got to adjust the chair.

Four mates plan the perfect camping trip to Poznan. Two days before they go Paddy's wife tells him he's not going. Paddy's mates are disappointed but decide to go without him anyway. Two days later the three mates arrive at Poznan to find Paddy sitting with a tent set up & bbq going. "Paddy how did you persuade the wife to let you come ?" Paddy says .."Well last night I was sitting in my chair & she came to me in a see through nightie, stockings and crotchless panties and led me upstairs. She handcuffed herself to the bed. Then she said "Do whatever you want!"..........
"So here I am!"

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

In broken English he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?'

'No' she says.

'I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.'

'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.

'I pay you $300.'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400.'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?'.

So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?'

The illegal immigrant replies 'You send bill to Government.'

............ by the way, are they really pay

Courtesy: Facebook

@ prasannasankar

Aahaa.....nice one

It were going to be t'wedding of the year at Rossington Register Office.
Mike Litoris, the greasy Greek from t'kebab shop on Pit Lane were having to marry Mucky Morag from Mytholmroyd. It were a pit bull wedding, as Morag's Dad didn't 'ave a shotgun. Yes, Morag had a bun in t'oven but by the looks of her, it were a full wedding cake.
Mike claimed it were a grudge baby and some bugger had had it in for him, but no one argued with Morag's Dad. Morag wasn't pretty, in fact it were said she'd bin a model for t'gargoyles on York Minster.
Rossington is a bit like Harrogate, but for folks wi' no teeth and Mike was no exception. He drank too much, once from 1982 to 2004 and went round apologising to everyone he met in case he'd offended them. After saying that, he must have had a good memory, as he could be pissed as a fart, face down in a urinal, yet still remember all the words to 'My way'.
He'd somehow managed to get a job as Butler/Chauffeur/Gardner to Lord Harewood for many years and when he was finally fired, like a fire, he was quite put out.
He said to his Lordship that he'd been with the family for many years to which his Lordship replied that so had syphilis and to bugger off. He'd picked up some good manners from the aristocracy whilst at Harewood House though, like taking the dishes out of the kitchen sink before pissing in it and this helped him a lot with women. He'd had loads of girlfriends and fathered lots of illegitimate children and got away with it. In fact the local vicar tried to explain to him that there were other ways of showing affection towards women other than giving 'em kids. Mike told him that he was getting married to his latest conquest and the vicar said that rather than tying the knot he should just try tying a knot in it. Anyway Mike was quite smitten when he first saw Morag. It were at the Cullingworth Christmas Cock-Fight and he'd gone along with his mate Merv. He noticed this big fat lass cracking walnuts with her eyelids and chewing on a baked hedgehog. His first impression was that she had far too much makeup and looked like a promiscuous tart. Just his type. " Marks out of ten ? " said Merv. "I'd give 'er one." said Mike. He strolled over and tried one of his chat up lines " You've got nice legs, what time do they open? " Well Morag didn't mess around, she just twatted 'im. " Bloody 'ell lass, that were a reet good 'un. What's yer phone number ?" Morag said it was in the book. So he asked her for her name and she said that were in't book an'all.
She actually knew who Mike was and was quite interested, as a mate had pointed him out and told her he'd got two cocks. She really was big and once tried computer dating but gave up when it had matched her with Ben Nevis.
Eventually she told him her name was Morag and she'd just come out of prison because she'd liked a book. Sadly it was her Gran's pension book. Somewhat perversely she'd got a job in the prison library and that had given her a new direction in life, stealing from book shops. Well he were smitten. Love after first shite, as they say in Rossington.
He took her to the Twat and Knackers for a few pints and over did the drinking a bit and couldn't walk. He said " Will you carry me ? " and she thought he'd said marry, so said " yes " and that was it.
I've waffled on a bit so lets' get back to the wedding. Arriving at the registry office the first thing the guests saw was Sid, landlord of the afore mentioned
T & K, selling multicoloured confetti. He did a roaring trade but people wouldn't have been too pleased if they'd known that Sid had merely swept up all the puke from Mike's bachelor night and dried it out in the oven.
Mike arrived in a brown suit he'd got from the Oxfam shop and looked like a pox doctor's clerk. Morag had borrowed her Mum's old yellow boob tube. The best man, Merv, giggled and said she looked like a zeppelin in a condom.
The trouble was, Mike heard him and took offence. Well just one piece actually and belted Merv on the back of the head with it.
Everyone got stuck in and it were a right to do, so the wedding was cancelled. If it ever 'appens I'll tell you all about it.

loving it

Notice Board: You are driving a vehicle, not the Government. Please follow rules and avoid paying fines



Beggar: Give me a rupee. I want to eat roti.
Manmohan: I will give you Rs 1000/-. Tell me who is providing you with a roti in Re 1/- while we are governing the country.

love the last one most

Very good .Ha Ha.