Joke for the day!! (part deux)
A funny one on the net 
:
Santa Ek Jyotish Ke Paas Kundli Dikhane Gaya.
Jyotish: “Tera Naam Santa Singh Hai?”
Santa: “Ji Maharaj”
Jyotish: “Tujhe Do Ladki & Ek Ladka Hai?”
Santa: “Ji Maharaj”
Jyotish: “Tune Abhi 10 Kilo Chawal Kharide Hai?”
Santa: “Haan, Oye Aap To Antaryami* Ho”
Jyotish: “Bete Agli Baar Aana, To Kundli Lana Ration Card Nahi“
English translation:
Santa (a popular funny character)goes to an astrologer (Jyotish) with his horoscope!
Astrologer: 'Your name is Santa'.
Santa: Correct sir!
Astrologer: 'You have 2 daughters and a son'.
Santa: Correct Sir!
Astrologer: 'you have just now purchased 10 kilos of rice'?
Santa: Yes, Oh My, you are Immanent!!'
Astrologer: 'Son, next time you come, please bring the horoscope not your Ration card'
meaning of Antaryami*: Immanent, The internal ruler, the controller within,the one who can observe & know every thing of your heart,remaining within; inherent; indwelling; abiding; intrinsic; internal or subjective etc..!
:Santa Ek Jyotish Ke Paas Kundli Dikhane Gaya.
Jyotish: “Tera Naam Santa Singh Hai?”
Santa: “Ji Maharaj”
Jyotish: “Tujhe Do Ladki & Ek Ladka Hai?”
Santa: “Ji Maharaj”
Jyotish: “Tune Abhi 10 Kilo Chawal Kharide Hai?”
Santa: “Haan, Oye Aap To Antaryami* Ho”
Jyotish: “Bete Agli Baar Aana, To Kundli Lana Ration Card Nahi“
English translation:
Santa (a popular funny character)goes to an astrologer (Jyotish) with his horoscope!
Astrologer: 'Your name is Santa'.
Santa: Correct sir!
Astrologer: 'You have 2 daughters and a son'.
Santa: Correct Sir!
Astrologer: 'you have just now purchased 10 kilos of rice'?
Santa: Yes, Oh My, you are Immanent!!'
Astrologer: 'Son, next time you come, please bring the horoscope not your Ration card'
meaning of Antaryami*: Immanent, The internal ruler, the controller within,the one who can observe & know every thing of your heart,remaining within; inherent; indwelling; abiding; intrinsic; internal or subjective etc..!
Not so long ago, a rich Parsi Bawa went to Australia to watch the cricket series there.
The Aussie at passport control sat fingering through his passport for a long time. Unable to find any thing objectionable, he growled:
'Have you got a criminal record ?
The Bawa smiled and replied, 'I am terribly sorry, Sir; unfortunately, I don't have one..
Nobody told me that it was still a requirement to get into your country'...!
The Aussie at passport control sat fingering through his passport for a long time. Unable to find any thing objectionable, he growled:
'Have you got a criminal record ?
The Bawa smiled and replied, 'I am terribly sorry, Sir; unfortunately, I don't have one..
Nobody told me that it was still a requirement to get into your country'...!
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses"
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses"
My wife was getting undressed to come to bed last night and said "I forgot to tell you..Angela found out on her 40th Birthday that Dave has been sleeping with a 19 year old glamour model !"
"That's disgusting" I replied
"Dave is a creep isn't he?" she asked.
"Dave is a lucky bastard" I replied "I was talking about you with no clothes on."
"That's disgusting" I replied
"Dave is a creep isn't he?" she asked.
"Dave is a lucky bastard" I replied "I was talking about you with no clothes on."
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends Ł15,000 and feels pretty good about the results
On her way home, she stops at a paper shop to buy a newspaper
Before leaving, she says to the shopkeeper, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50' the woman says happily
A little while later she goes into Woolworths and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops at a Chemists on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some toothpaste and asks the counter girl this same burning question.
The girl responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was standing behind you at Woolworths...
She spends Ł15,000 and feels pretty good about the results
On her way home, she stops at a paper shop to buy a newspaper
Before leaving, she says to the shopkeeper, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50' the woman says happily
A little while later she goes into Woolworths and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops at a Chemists on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some toothpaste and asks the counter girl this same burning question.
The girl responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was standing behind you at Woolworths...
#2693 
May 25th, 2012, 22:40 In charge, navel affairs
- Join Date:
- Sep 2005
- Location:
- styx
- Posts:
- 17,806
Hubby comes home, sees wife in bed with another man.
Wife says-Why are you home early?
Hubby says-Who is that man with you?
Wife gets very angry. Shouts, 'Don't change the subject!!'
Wife says-Why are you home early?
Hubby says-Who is that man with you?
Wife gets very angry. Shouts, 'Don't change the subject!!'
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me
you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny'
speech...
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have
nothing left to live for.'
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me
you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny'
speech...
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have
nothing left to live for.'
#2695 
Jun 1st, 2012, 22:34 Purebreed mongrel
- Join Date:
- Dec 2008
- Location:
- In the land of awesomeness
- Posts:
- 12,197
Facebook status message
Please be patient even a toilet can handle only one a** hole at a time
Women are like fruits. Every woman has her own unique taste & color. The problem is the men... they seem to love Fruit Salad
I typed "married" but it was auto- corrected to "martyred"...
Damn, smart phones have gained intelligence....
Dear Married Men, Buddha had to invent a whole new Religion to escape his wife.......that is how difficult it is
Prominent Poster in a ' RESTAURANT..
"All our waiters are married.They know how to take orders"
Indian cars should come with "raised middle finger" lights at the back. When fools honk at you in a jam, you light it up.
Women are like fruits. Every woman has her own unique taste & color. The problem is the men... they seem to love Fruit Salad
I typed "married" but it was auto- corrected to "martyred"...
Damn, smart phones have gained intelligence....
Dear Married Men, Buddha had to invent a whole new Religion to escape his wife.......that is how difficult it is
Prominent Poster in a ' RESTAURANT..
"All our waiters are married.They know how to take orders"
Indian cars should come with "raised middle finger" lights at the back. When fools honk at you in a jam, you light it up.
Kedar Janani Devasthan, Mt Abu - Udaipur, Bharatpur, Agra, Gwalior, Orchha, Jhansi
true freedom is in a tattered lungi
true freedom is in a tattered lungi
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing.
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
What he had to say for himself.
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'Jack’s Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident!'
... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
She noticed the man opposite was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing.
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
What he had to say for himself.
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'Jack’s Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident!'
... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
New copper caught a black fella dancing on a car roof, he called H/Q saying there is a black man dancing on the roof of a volkswagon , H/Q said you can't say that be technical , ok he said ZULU FOXTROT GOLF.
Love this Doctor!
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardio vascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting n utritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardio vascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting n utritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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