Joke for the day!! (part deux)

#2581 Feb 15th, 2012, 23:44
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#2581
Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the Abbott said,
"Brother, this is a silent monastery; you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Abbott said to him, "Brother John, you have been here five years now; you may speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbot said. "We will get you a better bed."


After another five years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "You may say another two words, Brother John."

"Cold food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.


On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again call Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."

"I quit," said Brother John.


"It is probably best, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."
"Travel is fatal to prejudice,bigotry and narrow-mindedness" Mark Twain
#2582 Feb 18th, 2012, 13:14
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#2582

The Golfing Nun

A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green - and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"

"Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted the Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the goddamn putt, didn't you?"
It's all part of the adventure of travelling!
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#2583 Feb 22nd, 2012, 08:13
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#2583

As Tory Off Ladle Rat Rotten Hut, en Anguish Languish

{{English words are astonishingly versatile and could readily be made to serve a new and extraordinary purpose, but nobody seems to care about this except SPAL (Society for the Promotion of the Anguish Languish).}}


Wants pawn term dare worsted ladle gull hoe lift wetter murder inner ladle cordage honor itch offer lodge, dock, florist. Disk ladle gull orphan worry putty ladle rat cluck wetter ladle rat hut, an fur disk raisin pimple colder Ladle Rat Rotten Hut.

Wan moaning Ladle Rat Rotten Hut's murder colder inset.

"Ladle Rat Rotten Hut, heresy ladle basking winsome burden barter an shirker cockles. Tick disk ladle basking tutor cordage offer groin-murder hoe lifts honor udder site offer florist. Shaker lake! Dun stopper laundry wrote! Dun stopper peck floors! Dun daily-doily inner florist, an yonder nor sorghum-stenches, dun stopper torque wet strainers!"

"Hoe-cake, murder," resplendent Ladle Rat Rotten Hut, an tickle ladle basking an stuttered oft.

Honor wrote tutor cordage offer groin-murder, Ladle Rat Rotten Hut mitten anomalous woof.

"Wail, wail, wail!" set disk wicket woof, "Evanescent Ladle Rat Rotten Hut! Wares are putty ladle gull goring wizard ladle basking?"

"Armor goring tumor groin-murder's," reprisal ladle gull. "Grammar's seeking bet. Armor ticking arson burden barter an shirker cockles."

"O hoe! Heifer gnats woke," setter wicket woof, butter taught tomb shelf, "Oil tickle shirt court tutor cordage offer groin-murder. Oil ketchup wetter letter, an den—O bore!"

Soda wicket woof tucker shirt court, an whinny retched a cordage offer groin-murder, picked inner windrow, an sore debtor pore oil worming worse lion inner bet. Inner flesh, disk abdominal woof lipped honor bet, paunched honor pore oil worming, an garbled erupt. Den disk ratchet ammonol pot honor groin-murder's nut cup an gnat-gun, any curdled ope inner bet.

Inner ladle wile, Ladle Rat Rotten Hut a raft attar cordage, an ranker dough ball. "Comb ink, sweat hard," setter wicket woof, disgracing is verse.

Ladle Rat Rotten Hut entity bet rum, an stud buyer groin-murder's bet.

"O Grammar!" crater ladle gull historically, "Water bag icer gut! A nervous sausage bag ice!"

"Battered lucky chew whiff, sweat hard," setter bloat-Thursday woof, wetter wicket small honors phase.

"O, Grammar, water bag noise! A nervous sore suture anomalous prognosis!"

"Battered small your whiff, doling," whiskered dole woof, ants mouse worse waddling.

"O Grammar, water bag mouser gut! A nervous sore suture bag mouse!"

Daze worry on-forger-nut ladle gull's lest warts. Oil offer sodden, caking offer carvers an sprinkling otter bet, disk hoard-hoarded woof lipped own pore Ladle Rat Rotten Hut an garbled erupt.

MURAL: Yonder nor sorghum stenches shut ladle gulls stopper torque wet strainers.


http://www.crockford.com/wrrrld/anguish.html
#2584 Feb 22nd, 2012, 18:35
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#2584
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy."

"Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard is getting closer."
#2585 Feb 23rd, 2012, 19:31
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#2585
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
#2586 Feb 27th, 2012, 02:51
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#2586

bears love rock and roll

My wife is a bear researcher in Glacier National Park in the US. Here is a little clip from remote video cameras that she had put to music
http://youtu.be/46WXw5ojLgk
Don't know why it didn't show up as a hot link

Hope you enjoy it
#2587 Feb 27th, 2012, 05:13
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#2587
It is really funny, what is the animal which tried to play with bears? To be honest I am not sure if it is a wolf or something other.
Wisdom comes with age, but alas, sometimes age comes alone.
#2588 Feb 27th, 2012, 10:33
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#2588
Yes it is a wolf. That is my favorite.
#2589 Feb 28th, 2012, 08:24
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#2589

A daiper

I was very excited when I first found Indiamike. I thought what a lot of great information I shall find here! Then I started hearing about contributors waxing about staying in a diaper while in India. Many have said it is their favorite location. Some do admit that it is a little warm in the summer months. Well, I would think so! This whole business was strange enough, but then I read that you can only be in a diaper in southern Rajastan between Jaipur and Ahmedabad. Can't those that love being in a diaper so much practice their perversion anywhere. Maybe they want to conceal their location. Is this why they sometimes sign off their posts by saying "Somewhere in a diaper"? Is this practice so widespread the reason that the Shalwar kameez is so roomy? I just don't understand why people think that the all the water in a diaper makes it sooo lovely. Oh,it's UDAIPUR. Never mind, but what about all those people in the restaurants taking pulses?
#2590 Mar 2nd, 2012, 07:52
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#2590
(Echoes my general feelings about clubs...)

An elderly Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf. So he applied for membership at a local golf club. About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected. So he went to the club to inquire as to why:

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scot: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?
Scot: Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.

Scot: Ach, away with ya, ma'am. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a COMPLETE pr**k to join a golf club.
#2591 Mar 2nd, 2012, 11:49
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#2591
A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body."

"That's odd", replied the doctor, "Show me what you mean"

So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.

The doctor says, "You're not a natural brunette are you?"

"No I'm a blonde", she replies.

"I thought so.... your finger is broken.", replies the doctor.
Pro Travel photos at GnomePlanet - www.gnomeplanet.com/ Also with Getty Images. Travelling Tim - www.mapability.com/blogs/ Lightroom Keywords for Photographers - www.photo-keywords.com/
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

Mark Twain
#2592 Mar 4th, 2012, 22:57
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#2592
Have you ever seen a man eating tiger ?
No, but in the cafe next door I once saw a man eating chicken !
#2593 Mar 5th, 2012, 09:32
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#2593

More atrocious puns

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will always be stationery.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

A slingshot was confiscated from a student at algebra class because it was considered a weapon of math disruption.
#2594 Mar 9th, 2012, 16:40
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#2594
Just for humor: crude it may seem, but the latest photograph making the rounds on FB, after Kingfisher airlines never ending woes:


Name:  FB.jpg
Views: 520
Size:  24.5 KB
#2595 Mar 13th, 2012, 10:31
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#2595
Stupid Humor - The Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
Brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom-dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
Niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh




Five Rules to Remember in Life

This has been attributed to John Wayne, but that might just be Internet fiction. Even so, the sentiments are pretty good.
1. Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble, and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.




What Causes Arthritis?

A drunk, who smelled of liquor, sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked,

"Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
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