Joke for the day!! (part deux)

N IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'..
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!
'As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...
'YES! YES! I WON , I WON !

'She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are men

JAWS

tha tis awesome man

ROFLMAO

Anger Management


When you occasionally have a really bad day,
And you just need to take it out on someone,
Don't take it out on someone you know,
Take it out on someone you don't know,
But you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello..'

I politely said, 'This is Rick
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear Get the right fuking number!' And the phone was slammed down on me.


I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
To call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed
The last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an a$$hole!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an a$$hole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a$$hole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, that's because you're an a$$hole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
But the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a$$hole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an a$$hole!'

Then I hung up, And added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called a$$hole #1.

He said, 'Hello'

I said, 'You're an a$$hole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'a$$hole, I live at 34 oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax ,
A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Bimmer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole,' And hung up.

Then I called a$$hole #2. He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, a$$hole,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'

I answered, 'Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax, to do something incredibly dangerous.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the drug/gang war going down
at Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

Guy and his son go the drugstore and son notices packs of condoms on the shelf. Son asks " Dad why are these in packs of 3,6,12?" Dad decides to teach the son the facts of life.
"Son the 3 packs are for high school boys. 1 on friday 1 on saturday and 1 on sunday."
"and the 6 packs??"
"oh those are for college men, 2 for friday, 2 for saturday and 2 for sunday" "Wow and the 12 packs??"

Father looks really downcast and says "Well son those are for married men, 1 for january 1 for february 1 for march........"

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the bible, the Priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the Minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.

In other words, he goes to a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it

Obama, Manmohan, Aishwarya Rai and Sonia are traveling in a train. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The two women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed. Obama is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Sonia is thinking:
These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Obama must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.

Aishwarya is thinking:
Obama must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.

Obama is thinking:
Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.

Manmohan is thinking:
If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Obama again.

http://academic.sun.ac.za/forlang/be...ebert_glos.htm

Good one vko! If this doesnot qualify for a Pulitzer prize, what does?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it...'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

.. Good ones !!

Two blondes are walking down the street. One reaches searchingly into her pocketbook for a makeup compact and gazes into the mirror. "Hmmmmm" She says, "this picture looks like someone I know". Extremely curious, the other one leans in front of her, has a quick look in and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME ...."

Relatives- and their perceptions



Mother-in-law
In India-A woman capable of making your life miserable.

Outside India-A woman you never fight with, because where else you will find such a dedicated baby sitter for free ?

Husband
In India- A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and siblings.

Outside India- Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes in handy when the house needs to be vacuumed.

Friend
In India- A person whose house you can drop into any time of the day or night and you'll always be welcome.

Outside India-A person whom you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy.

Wife
In India- A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go to take a shower.

Outside India-A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath.

Son
In India- A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market.

Outside India-A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start mowing the lawn.

Daughter
In India- A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes during her marriage.

Outside India-A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before her marriage.

Father
In India- A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed .

Outside India-A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition.

Indian Engineer
In India- A person with a respectable job and earning lots.

Outside India-A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich.

Doctor
In India- A respectable person with OK income.

Outside India-A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called 'doctor's wife'.

Bhangra
In India- A vigorous Punjabi festival dance.

Outside India-A dance you do, when you don't know how to dance.

Software Engineer
In India- A high-tech guy, always speaks in American accent, always anxious to queue in the consulate visa line.

Outside India-The same hi-tech guy, who does Ganapati Puja everyday, and says 'This is my last year in the US (or whenever)'every year.

A Green Card holder bachelor
In India- The guy can't speak Hindi, parents of good looking girls are dying to hook him, wears jacket in summer, says he has a BMW back there.

Outside India-The guy can't speak proper English, wears jacket all the time, works in a Candy store at Manhattan, dreams of owning a BMW

Rajinikanth participated in a 100m race once. Obviously he came First. But Einstein died after watching the race because Sound came 4th, Light came 3rd, and Rajini's shadow came 2nd.