Joke for the day!! (part deux)

boy if i had a penny for everytime i heard that joke....

THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room,talking about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I said to her:
Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state,
totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle.
>
If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive,
I'd much rather die'.
>
Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect
the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went
to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!
*....I ALMOST DIED!!!*
>

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that’s not a nice thing to call anyone, so
what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BA****D.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl’s top )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BA****D.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl’s clothes )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BA****D.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BA****D.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!

I got this call from my mate at 3 in the morning last night,

"Hi, I need to talk to you asap. Need your help. Don't want anyone else to know...I'm at the police station, have been caught drink driving. Urine sample was positive, I'e stolen the sample and tried to run off with it!...Now Im being charged with taking the piss..."

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

An American, a Japanese, and an Indian were
sitting in the
sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The
American pressed his forearm
and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him
questioningly."That's my
pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of
my arm.


A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese
lifted
his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained,
"That's my mobile phone.
I have a microchip in my hand. The Indian felt
low-tech and inferior. He
didn't know what to do to be as impressive as the
American & the Japanese.
He decided to take a break in the toilet.

When he returned, he didn't realize that there
was a
piece of toilet paper got stuck and hanging from his
backside. The others
raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"
Instead of being
embarrassed, inspiration struck his mind. The Indian
explained, "I'm getting a FAX"..........


The other two fainted......!!

Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father.
I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?



The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.

Tilak
Nice one

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bit * h'

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."

A man goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.



The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'



He answers 'Yes - caffeine'



'Have you ever been in the services?'



'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'



The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks,



'Are you disabled in any way?



The guy says, 'Yes ...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'



The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.



Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.



You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'



The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '



'This is a council job,' the interviewer says.

'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks ------

not really any point in you coming in for that.'

lol.....

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough,
> as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and
> told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
>
> The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix
> the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home,
> get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can
> up to his ear and count to 10.
>
> The husband said to the doctor: 'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in
> the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
> ear is going to help me with my problem.'
>
> 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
>
> So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the
> can up to his ear and began to count:
>
> '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between
> his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
>
> This procedure also works in New Zealand, Wales, Tasmania and Coorg! And in
> India !

Her Mexican maid asked for a pay increase, Mrs. White was very upset about

> this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
>
> She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
>
> Maria: 'Well, SENora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'
>
> The first is that I iron better than you.'
>
> Mrs: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
>
> Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
>
> Mrs: ˜Oh.'
>
> Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
>
> Mrs: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
>
> Maria: 'Your husband did.'
>
> Mrs: 'OH!.'
>
> Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you....
>
> Mrs: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
>
> Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'
>
> Mrs: Would doubling your pay be enough?

A new supermarket opened in our area. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.


I don't buy toilet paper there any more.