McLeodganj : Serious advice required

When I posted this yesterday, I refreshed the page over a hundred times in an hour and not expecting a reply I slept. I logged in today and seeing so many replies has brought tears to my eyes, seriously.

As Pink Floyd once said, "Suddenly one day you find, ten years have got behind, no one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun."

I don't want to end up this way, I don't want to end up as 'Just Another Brick in the Wall'

Now, as I have mentioned, I am doing an engineering degree. I had a flair for writing, even before I opted for this course, because I expected a lot. But alas, engineering in this part of the world is cramming millions of formulas, learning how to behave, subduing yourself and finally passing the exam. I tried hard for a year, but in the second year of the course I flunked in 5 subjects. Now, my parents know this, but would do anything to help me get my degree. What they don't understand is that I am a human being too, with a brain that doesn't sync with their expectations.

Every single day in my college, makes me puke. People are being made into machines and they are happy about it. People are not allowed to question and they are happy with it. But me, I get migraines thinking about it.

School will always be there. Your freedom won't. Once you've got your degree, you'll feel obligated to find a job that will justify the time and expense. And once you have that job, you'll start to acquire all the trappings of settled life. Those are hard to give up once you've got them. And you'll end up going to the place of your dreams for a week or two now and then, wondering what it would've been like if you'd followed your imagination.
That is what I mean. EXACTLY THAT!

I've been trying hard to clear those exams, which have summed up to 8 now. But I am totally away from them now. I haven't got a clue about that subjects. Moreover, daily scuffle with the administration is making my life tough. Machines are making machines, and punish those who don't want to be a cog in that machine.

According to a legendary friend,
"The people who live their lives as hardworking donkeys, willing to carry any load without question, striving hard towards no end, not only poison their own lives but also create a society full of hindrances for the active minds who want to live creative lives."

And that is so true.

I would try to get a degree(BA) by doing a distant course. But it would be another three years.

Though who would miss a chance of studying English, History or Psychology?

Also, I have somewhat pushed myself to start doing freelance writing. But when in India, you don't just get successful if you aren't an engineer or doctor or lately a Management graduate.

If you're so miserable and struggling with your studies then of course you should quit. There's not much point in dragging yourself to the finish line, if you have no affinity to engineering. Even if you'll get a job, you'll have a tough time surviving in the cut throat world which is the Indian industry, where so many new engineers pour out every year.
By continuing in the same path you're only wasting your time.

Having said that, as someone who studied for a B.A. in humanities, and now completely changed his mind and is about to start engineering school; boy, do I wish that I'd have gone to engineering school in the first place, and could have become a hardworking donkey now. Because living like a student until the age of 30 is going to be terrible.

I am feeling so horrible for having posted the same thing so many times. Guess, another point that I can't be an engineer.

And why is that? Why are you shifting to engineering?

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I got that, thanks a lot. It was looking stupid.

Because I've realized that I don't want an academic career, and that's pretty much all I can do with the B.A. I have (plus an M.A. and a P.H.D...). I decided I wanted to get a job that would have more of an effect on the physical world, and be grounded in exact science. I thought that as long as I'm interested in what I'm doing, it wouldn't matter to me how many other people care about or affected by it. But Now I see that it's not enough.

Well, my main point was that as much as pursuing your literary interests is important, you should also be realistic about the financial reality of the world. You still have plenty of time to find a way of making a living that would be more suitable to you, and that you would enjoy, even if it's not gonna be your dream job.
You could always work on your passion in your spare time, and if the opportunity arise, maybe manage to make it a full time job. But if you neglect developing your work skills for years, it would be much harder to get back on track.

You illustrate my own opinion (and that of people watching the evolution of university education): if you are going to invest years and money in education, learn a marketable skill! Do not get a degree in Poetry, or Aleutian Women's Studies, or History, because there are only so many jobs available teaching those subjects, so you will have no more luck than the next guy finding any other job, and you will have a mountain of debt to pay off, which will feel even heavier because what, actually, did it give you other than a way to pass whatever free time you have?

Better you should go to a trade school (you like engineering? Become a pipefitter) where you can support yourself while you apprentice, and not be saddled (or saddle your parents) with the costs of university. The brief era of indulging in a liberal arts education to extend your childhood - um, I mean Expand Your Frontiers, sorry - is over.

As shreder observed, it looks like you're wasting your days, and your or your parents' hard-earned cash, doing what you're doing now. At the very least you need time off to ponder your options and stop the present hemmorhaging of time and money.

Take those 3-4 weeks as soon as practical - term's end, whenever. Treat your trip to Mcleodganj as reconnaisance: If you were to stay there, what could you do to support yourself? And how little in the way of material comforts make you, um, comfortable? You may learn that, while you have the heart of a writer, you need an engineer's salary to make life feel complete. Or you may find that being in a particular place, or doing a particular thing, is as essential as air to you, and nothing else matters.

I speak from personal experience. For various reasons, some decades back I seriously contemplated moving to another country. I quit my job, put all my stuff in storage and over the next couple years, spent blocks of time there, returning to my own country, living in furnished rooms and taking temporary work until I'd earned enough to support myself during my next 6-month visit. In the end I chose to stay where I was born, and because of my foreign sojourn I appreciate my home that much more, because living here became a choice.

I am guessing that your visit may give you a few answers. I am sure, however, from the tone of your posts, that if you do not frankly consider those possibilities, you are going to be eating your heart out with a very small demitasse spoon for a very long time, daydreaming of what you might be doing, or could have done. It's human nature to occupy ourselves with "What if?" Find out.


My best wishes to you. PM me anytime you like.

In Israel university is cheap. I only had to pay 8,000 U.S. dollars in total for 3 years of school, and half of it was paid by the army. Engineering school is going to cost me about the same (and the first year would be free). The problem wasn't the money, it was that I didn't advance my work skills at all.

I work part time during my studies (I work as a translator, I hate it and it's lousy pay, but easy to combine with school), so I won't have to go into debt. I'll just live in a very low quality of life, which sucks knowing I could have been working in a good job now.

What did you study, if you don't mind my asking? No reason other than curiosity.

I studied linguistics.

It's only ten years...not the end of the world, dear! If engineering was so puky, you shouldn't have enrolled yourself in the first place. Do analyse your situation from an objective point of view: Are you suddenly losing interest as you have been distracted and not been able to study? just because you have flunked once does not mean you will flunk always. I strongly suggest that you take a break of a few weeks, at the most, and return to your books rejuvenated and fresh. Think about the reasons for sudden change in your behaviour towards your degree.

Thank you so much everybody for giving unbiased and important views. And I always thought the world was bad.

It was not a sudden lost of interest, I never had any interest in it anyway. My parent pushed me into it, and not aware of the awaiting catastrophe I quickly trusted them.

And it is very tough, I have just written 2 out of 8 and don't have a chance to pass any of them. The other six are in this week, and I am totally out of confidence.

Those of you saying I should take break, my parents become angry and suspicious if I am out of my house for 4-5 hours, forget about a week or a month. They try to be too protective and also, supported by reasons, believe that I would never return, or something like that.

This has started to sound like the bragging of an angry teenager, but it is all true. I am stuck, in a glutinous web.

Deathmar, All I can say is that discuss all this with your parents. It's better to dash their hopes now than later. For an Indian parent kids are the only motivation to earn and save. If you belong to a middle class family, the chunk of their earning is feeding their emotion and dream of you becoming an engineer. Then, Indian parents cut-down on their basic necessities and outings to save for the marriage of their kids which to me is the one and only source of entertainment of their dry and working married life. Unlike west where there's a comparatively strong social security mechanism, in India Children (most of the times) are the only old-age pension to their parents. All their working lives parents toil to build the dreamhouse of their choice for their kids. In a highly competitive and densely populated society these dreamhouses abound and are successful. Have guts to tell your parents that you are a pathetic loser (as an engineering student) who's feigned to light their hopes for last one year. One piece of advice I will reiterate like most of the other forum members, if not engineering have some other professional degree under your belt. Gain some experience and let me assure you that you won't miss stories in the faces that you come across at any workplace, and if, others are better observers they won't either. You can initially nurture and pen down your ideas while working and then if your passion of writing pays you enough say goodbye to your professional life. An alternative in life never hurts. You need to dine well to write well....can't be a Beckett in today's world.

You are totally right about the domestic circumstances in our country. I am still confused, but this thread has surely opened my eyes. I NEED to make a decision, quick!