in need of some help....

pickle

Hello everyone,
Sorry if this is posted in the wrong place.
I am basically calling out to you for some advice, but mainly to be educated on the opinions which i am due to face. I have found out today that I am pregnant, and the father is an Indian man whom i met when i was traveling through India. I am not really sure what to expect when I tell him, or when his family find out. I don't really know the drill when it comes to an Indian having a child outside of a relationship. This is going to be pretty tough for me, and i would just like to get a few opinions on this matter.


Thanks in advance

namaste_cat

pickle - what sort of socio-economic background does he have? That'll give you some clue, but generally speaking, since it has typically not been a common occurrence to have children out of wedlock, I wouldn't expect a lot of understanding on the part of his family (perhaps him as well)

Mileage varies big time on issues of living together, children outside of marriage, etc. and perhaps attitudes are changing; I sometimes miss the nuances of this because my visits there aren't very long. So someone who lives there hopefully will weigh in with their perspective as well.

What are your future plans in terms of whether you'd like to live in India, get married to this man (or not), etc. I'd get that sorted out in your head so you're ready when you break the news to him.

Good luck, and best wishes from this mother of two

simply_sunny001

this is really tough for an indian male who is already married due to the society being very stubborn and orthodox in india.

but there are exceptions, any decent guy will understand his responsibility towards the child but there will be some problems in his family thats for sure.

And like Namsate-cat said, its not very common in india due to a very hypocrite social setup.

But there are workarounds like him adopting Muslim religion so that he can marry you even when already married to other woman.

so it will ultimately come down to the nature of the person, and you have to think about the future as to how you wanna go about it.

good luck

Haylo

What makes you think he is already married?

Pickle, I don't envy your situation, and I wish you the very best of luck in finding a future that works for you.

Everyone else reading this - learn a useful lesson about contraception!

__________________
The world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful - E.E. Cummings, poet (1894-1962)

simply_sunny001

I am sorry if i assumed it on my own or maybe i read it pretty fast.

Let Pickle clarify this.

federica

Err, the location of the OP is England, so I doubt whether she'll be interested becoming the 2nd wife of someone

Here some questions for you (no need to post the answers here )

Was he married/ was it just a one night stand?
Then I'd forget about the guy, try to arrange my life in UK and be happy about having a cute little baby soon. Everything else will make your life more complicated.

Unmarried and more than a one night stand?
Then I'd ask myself whether you are really interested in a relationship with him. Having a baby without being married is a really big no in Indian society (you can compare it a little bit to the 1950ies in Europe, in some areas it's worse). So it won't be easy, but maybe he is worth some struggle. No idea. But don't forget to care for yourself and the baby first. And work step by step, better forget about his parents first. Most probably they won't be very happy.

"Only" a baby as a base for a relationship can be difficult, even between two people with similar cultural background.

Hope this helps a little bit

pickle

Thanks for all the advice so far. You have given me a lot to think about. At the end of the day I want to do whats right by the child. and that is my priority.
If the worst comes to the worst and he wants nothing to do with us, where does that leave me in the system so to speak? would he have rights to see the child or have any input into how it was brought up?
To answer the rest of your questions... well, he wasn't married! I realise i am in a bit of a mess now, but i really am not that sort of a girl. It was more than a one night stand, and we became very close during my time in India. I realise that i am about to blow his life completely out of the water, so I wanted to get a bit clued up beforehand!

Once again thank you for all the advice so far.

Haylo

I realise you must be rather in a quandry right now, but while you're getting your head round the idea, he is carrying on with his life and possibly making other plans with absolutely no idea that he is going to be a father.

If you are going to keep this baby, I really do think you need to tell him sooner rather than later; he will also have decisions to make and he deserves to have as much time as possible to think about things too.

I am not qualified to advise about this, but whatever his rights would be if he was in England or if you were in India, I really cannot imagine any court deciding that it's in a child's best interest to be shuttled from one country to another, or forcing you to travel abroad with your child to visit him.

As for him coming to the UK to visit his child on a regular basis, he would have to get a visa first, which depending on his circumstances is likely to be far from easy.

labrol

Tell him first and give him time more than his initial reaction.

If he lives in a metropolis and/or he is well of, the society would not bother him unless he appears weak and looks willing to be subdued. In any case if he loves you and is as caring about your feelings as you seem to be for his, then he can stand up to anything, irrespective of his social standing. With some exceptions the society anywhere bothers people only as much as they are willing to be bothered.

In the worst situation, if he does not want to have anything to do with you and the child(I hope this is very unlikely), he will not look around to participate in the child's upbringing. Such a person would likely erase or pretend to erase that part of his life from his memory. Someone with knowledge of law can answer whether in this situation, the father can ever claim custody of the child. I doubt this.

I hope he reciprocates your concern for him and things would end in a happy union a la Bollywood!!

Make that call and you may be pleasantly surprised.

__________________
Alone I walked. Strangers joined in. We became a caravan.

Eastern Mind

Just my two bits, but until you tell him you really perhaps don't know how he'll react. Maybe he will be one happy camper and everything will turn out great for the both of you. Of course I don't know how much the two of you have talked about kids or pregnancy and the like. But I know for a fact that at least within marriages sometimes one person assumes way too much about what the other may think about having a child. Until he knows, I'd be hopeful. Best wishes regardless. As was said before, any decent guy will stand up and take responsibility.

federica

Oh, I guess your life will change more The tricky thing is: It really depends from which state he is, what's his cultural/religious background, his education, whether he's class conscious or not.... his reaction is quite unpredictable. All advice given before was for "typical" Indians.

But maybe it's just me, but I've met more atypical Indians.

Don't want to confuse you, just want to give you some hope that everything goes fine. Most Indians love children (more than the average European) You'll see his reaction and then you can decide whether you can have a future together or not.

Good luck!

pickle

Thanks for all the kind words and advice.

AwayFromHome

I know you know this - but just to reiterate and reinforce in a gentle manner: the kid comes first.

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, so trust your instincts and take care of yourself and the baby.

The rest may, or may not, work out to your expectations.

bracketologist

Hey Hun,
Don't worry, legally you are out of trouble as child possession will come into question only if you were married..And then they decide under which marriage act(Hindu act or Muslim act act) ..Each act have different clauses. So Coz you are not married, he or law won't be a trouble to you. But if it was more than one night stand then HUN think and don;t put head on anything..Just tell the guy and how you feel about having a child , relationship etc..(i understand it will be difficult)..But for sure the more honest you will be to yourself and than to him the easier it will become. Regarding the boys family, it can be easy and difficult both, depends a lot on the boy or parents.If they are not drama king and queen , things will sail easier. And don't you worry sweetness, everything will be OKEY..To get away from our analysing(all those who had done in the thread including me), just discuss with him..as that is the only way you would know WHICH TURN YOU HAVE TO TAKE? all the best, look after yourself

federica

That depends very much on the laws of the country, whether you apply Indian laws or UK's. Unsure about the UK law in this regard, but for example in Germany the father has a right to see the child, even if the couple is not married. But a woman has the right not to register the name of the father after giving birth.

Anyway, I wish pickle will get a better solution so that she doesn't have to worry about that.