Joke for the day!! (part deux)

Nick-H · Oct 21st, 2006, 20:24

A certain earthiness in that Australian humour

Jock and Di · Oct 22nd, 2006, 04:19

The duty free shop at Dublin Airport has some pretty amazing stock.

For example, there are the water proof tea bags; the one piece jigsaws and the inflatable dart boards.

Jock and Di · Oct 22nd, 2006, 04:39

TICKLE ME ELMO

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8.00am.

The next day at 8.45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena.

"I'm sorry", he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday....

Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

robotvoice · Oct 22nd, 2006, 05:26

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his
daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop
assistant, 'How much is that Barbie in the window?'
In a condescending manner, she says 'Which Barbie?' She continues, 'We
have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95,
Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95,
Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00'.
Ralph asks, 'Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are
only $19.95?'
'That's obvious' the sales lady says. 'Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's
house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture.

robotvoice · Oct 22nd, 2006, 06:52

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Jock and Di · Oct 23rd, 2006, 04:50

The hospital patient was bored out of his mind so decided to walk down to the pub.

He does so in his hospital gown hauling his drip stand on wheels and walks into the pub.

He asks the bartender for 10 scotches to be lined up.

He downs these one after the other; skol, skol etc

"That's good" , he slurs, " Gimme 10 brandies, hic"

The bartender lines them up and whoosh, skol, skol, skol etc, hic.

"I really should'n be doin' this" the patient slurs. "hic"

"Why, what have you got?" asks the bartender, concerned.

" A dollar 50!"

lez · Oct 23rd, 2006, 15:58

Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

~~~~~~~~~~

Moods of a Man

Horny.

Jock and Di · Oct 24th, 2006, 04:54

Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame was exploring new ways to advertise. He phoned Vatican City and asked to speak to the Pope, indicating that he would like to make a sizeable donation.

"Hello, my son," said the Pope.

"Hello, your holiness," said the Colonel. "I am calling because I would like to make a sizeable donation to the Roman Catholic Church."

"How nice! Why don't you send it in the mail?"

"Would you like me to send one hundred million dollars in the mail?"

"One hundred million dollars! Bless you, my son. Why no, of course. My representative can visit you at your convenience!"

"But there is one little string attached."

"Oh?"

"You know that part in the Lord's Prayer where you say 'Give us this day our daily bread'? I'd like that changed to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'."

"Oh, I see..."

The Pope covers the telephone and and yells to the cardinal attending him, "How long do we still have on that Hi-Fibre Bread Contract?"

Jock and Di · Oct 25th, 2006, 04:20

A blonde and a redhead are watching the nine o'clock news, and come across and item about a man threatening to commit suicide by jumping from a bridge.

The blonde offers the redhead a bet that the man won't actually jump.

The redhead agrees to wager $50 on the outcome and then the announcer cuts to a commercial break.

When the news resumes, more footage is shown and the man actually jumps to his death. The redhead feels dreadful that she was so flippant as to bet on the outcome of such a gruesome incident and says she feels bad about taking the money. She would feel better if the bet was called off.

"No, a bet is a bet," insists the blonde. "Besides, I saw the whole thing on the six o'clock news."

"What? Well, why did you offer me the bet then, if you knew the outcome?" asks the redhead.

"I honestly didn't think that he would do it the second time...."

vinayverma · Oct 25th, 2006, 04:23

J&D: Aren't you too early today, I was supposed to read this along with my morning 'chores' to make my day.
Or
Am I too late online?

Jock and Di · Oct 25th, 2006, 04:38

Quote:

Originally Posted by vinayverma

J&D: Aren't you too early today, I was supposed to read this along with my morning 'chores' to make my day.
Or
Am I too late online?

Hi V. It is so light at 5am at the mo'. Daylight saving commences this coming Sunday.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/chambers1

vinayverma · Oct 25th, 2006, 04:43

G'Day Mate
you still make my day here and also on IT
cheers

Jock and Di · Oct 26th, 2006, 04:19

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly ... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f.....g blanket"!

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Nick-H · Oct 26th, 2006, 11:53

....

nomad · Oct 26th, 2006, 12:20

Oct 21st, 2006, 20:24	#541
Nick-H Loud-mouthed, Noisy Bird Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Chennai, India Posts: 27,663	A certain earthiness in that Australian humour __________________ . Just one member of the IndiaMike Mod Team

Oct 25th, 2006, 04:23	#550
vinayverma Maha Infrequent Member Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Gurgaon Posts: 1,293	J&D: Aren't you too early today, I was supposed to read this along with my morning 'chores' to make my day. Or Am I too late online? __________________ If Life is a journey....travel on...and on..on..on.....

Oct 26th, 2006, 12:20	#555
nomad Maha Guru Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Singapura Posts: 615	__________________ Rahul Verma http://rverma.smugmug.com www.pbase.com/rverma

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Oct 22nd, 2006, 04:19	#542
Jock and Di Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Mount Gambier SA Posts: 158	The duty free shop at Dublin Airport has some pretty amazing stock. For example, there are the water proof tea bags; the one piece jigsaws and the inflatable dart boards.

Oct 22nd, 2006, 04:39	#543
Jock and Di Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Mount Gambier SA Posts: 158	TICKLE ME ELMO There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8.00am. The next day at 8.45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena. "I'm sorry", he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.... Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Oct 22nd, 2006, 05:26	#544
robotvoice mikeaholic Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: california Posts: 1,171	Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, 'How much is that Barbie in the window?' In a condescending manner, she says 'Which Barbie?' She continues, 'We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00'. Ralph asks, 'Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?' 'That's obvious' the sales lady says. 'Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture.

Oct 22nd, 2006, 06:52	#545
robotvoice mikeaholic Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: california Posts: 1,171	A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Oct 23rd, 2006, 04:50	#546
Jock and Di Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Mount Gambier SA Posts: 158	The hospital patient was bored out of his mind so decided to walk down to the pub. He does so in his hospital gown hauling his drip stand on wheels and walks into the pub. He asks the bartender for 10 scotches to be lined up. He downs these one after the other; skol, skol etc "That's good" , he slurs, " Gimme 10 brandies, hic" The bartender lines them up and whoosh, skol, skol, skol etc, hic. "I really should'n be doin' this" the patient slurs. "hic" "Why, what have you got?" asks the bartender, concerned. " A dollar 50!"

Oct 23rd, 2006, 15:58	#547
lez Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: GOA Posts: 313	Moods of a Woman An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, A woman is a bundle of contradiction, She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house. Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose, She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk, She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk; At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad, She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. ~~~~~~~~~~ Moods of a Man Horny.

Oct 24th, 2006, 04:54	#548
Jock and Di Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Mount Gambier SA Posts: 158	Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame was exploring new ways to advertise. He phoned Vatican City and asked to speak to the Pope, indicating that he would like to make a sizeable donation. "Hello, my son," said the Pope. "Hello, your holiness," said the Colonel. "I am calling because I would like to make a sizeable donation to the Roman Catholic Church." "How nice! Why don't you send it in the mail?" "Would you like me to send one hundred million dollars in the mail?" "One hundred million dollars! Bless you, my son. Why no, of course. My representative can visit you at your convenience!" "But there is one little string attached." "Oh?" "You know that part in the Lord's Prayer where you say 'Give us this day our daily bread'? I'd like that changed to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'." "Oh, I see..." The Pope covers the telephone and and yells to the cardinal attending him, "How long do we still have on that Hi-Fibre Bread Contract?"

Oct 25th, 2006, 04:20	#549
Jock and Di Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Mount Gambier SA Posts: 158	A blonde and a redhead are watching the nine o'clock news, and come across and item about a man threatening to commit suicide by jumping from a bridge. The blonde offers the redhead a bet that the man won't actually jump. The redhead agrees to wager $50 on the outcome and then the announcer cuts to a commercial break. When the news resumes, more footage is shown and the man actually jumps to his death. The redhead feels dreadful that she was so flippant as to bet on the outcome of such a gruesome incident and says she feels bad about taking the money. She would feel better if the bet was called off. "No, a bet is a bet," insists the blonde. "Besides, I saw the whole thing on the six o'clock news." "What? Well, why did you offer me the bet then, if you knew the outcome?" asks the redhead. "I honestly didn't think that he would do it the second time...."

Oct 25th, 2006, 04:43	#552
vinayverma Maha Infrequent Member Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Gurgaon Posts: 1,293	G'Day Mate you still make my day here and also on IT cheers

Oct 26th, 2006, 04:19	#553
Jock and Di Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Mount Gambier SA Posts: 158	A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly ... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own f.....g blanket"! After a moment of silence, he farted.

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Oct 26th, 2006, 11:53	#554
Nick-H Loud-mouthed, Noisy Bird Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Chennai, India Posts: 27,663	....