Joke for the day!! (part deux)

SharoS

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera."

He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said, "That was a really delicious meal! You must have a very good stove!"

cfhi

> Just for laugh...
>
>
> A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
> African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed
> a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
> He asked the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
> The nervous sergeant replied, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men
> here on the post and no women.
> Sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."
> Captain: "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges,
> so
> the camel can stay."
> About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges.
> Crazy with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
> Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
> his
> pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
> When he's done, he turned to the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
> "No, not really, sir ..... They usually just ride the camel into town
> where
> the girls are."

cfhi

Is it true for couples when time pass by

> Dating process:
>
>
> 6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
>
>
> 6 months : Of course I love U.
>
>
> 6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?
>
>
> Back from Work:
>
>
> 6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
>
>
> 6 months : BACK!!
>
>
> 6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??
>
>
> Gifts:
>
>
> 6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
>
>
> 6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the
> living room.
>
>
> 6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.
>
>
> Phone Ringing:
>
>
> 6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
>
>
> 6 months : Here, for you.
>
>
> 6 years : PHONE RINGING.
>
>
> Cooking:
>
>
> 6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
>
>
> 6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
>
>
> 6 years : AGAIN!!!!
>
>
> Apology:
>
>
> 6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against
> you.
>
>
> 6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
>
>
> 6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??
>
>
> New Dress:
>
>
> 6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
>
>
> 6 months : You bought a new dress again???
>
>
> 6 years : How much did THAT cost me?
>
>
> Planning for Vacations:
>
>
> 6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
>
>
> 6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
>
>
> 6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???
>
>
> TV:
>
>
> 6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
>
>
> 6 months : I like this movie.
>
>
> 6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to
> bed, I can stay up by myself.

cfhi

A Chinese walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.

He produces the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

katyrafi

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to
show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails
done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching
the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or
anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what
ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far
cry from what you've been.

I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You
look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't
say anything nice. When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten
me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the
pricetag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother
had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was
$49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out. So when I discovered that I had hit the Lotto for $10 million dollars, I
quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you
were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the
filling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my brother Carl was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.


Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

__________________
Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly

cyberhippie

Here check this one out, you'll have to download it from the link, warning put down your coffee!!!!
Not for the faint hearted

http://www.goneindia.com/untitled6.html

SharoS

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry.

Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky..............


The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.

In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,
Ricky

cfhi

Abdul grew up in Kota Baru, a town located on the East Coast of Malaysia,
and then moved away to Kuala Lumpur to do his law degree in order to fill up
the Bumiputera quota.

He decided to come back to Kota Baru, because he could be a big man and
really wanted to impress everyone.
So he returned and opened his new law office.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big
impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door Abdul picked up the phone.

He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely no. You tell
those clowns in Kuala Lumpur that I won't settle this case for less than one
million ringgit.

Yes. Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling
the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.
Okay.

Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the
details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man
sat patiently as Abdul rattled instructions.

Finally, Abdul put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do
for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from Telekom, I've come to connect your line".

cfhi

YOUR DRIVERS LICENSE TELLS IT ALL
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says,
"those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks,
"How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,
"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an 'F' in sex."

SharoS

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."

PRIYA

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs" they get ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back to face the Pope.

"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:





"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

__________________
Happiness is for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched and those who have tried. For only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. (Anon.)

cyberhippie

Wkat happened when Jesus went to mount olive??

Popeye punched his head in!!

larki55

The Bathtub



It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,

and this should help get you started.



During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director

what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should

be institutionalized.



"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a

teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her

to empty the bathtub."



"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use

the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."



"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."



Do you want a room with or without a view?

shanthi

cfhi

One evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard and heard an
owl hoot. So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise
and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same
scenario occurred.

All Summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and
forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations." Just as he
thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies
communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights calling to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied.
"So does my husband."

Then it dawned on them...