Joke for the day!! (part deux)

AvidTrekker · Oct 17th, 2005, 00:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by katyrafi

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look but of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

katyrafi · Oct 17th, 2005, 00:21

This one was sent to me by an ex work colleague, we both worked with amputees and I know they would see the funny side, hope you do too:

---------------------------------------------------------

There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that
took two arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump
off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the
sidewalk
below skipping along and whistling and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he
was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless
and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and
he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no
arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.

He asked "Why are you so happy anyway ?"

He said " I'm NOT happy, my ass itches."

AvidTrekker · Oct 17th, 2005, 01:24

Quote:

Originally Posted by shanthi

http://www.wickedmoon.com

I was sent a short video clip this a.m. that got me falling off the chair, from the above site's link. When you get the site up, scroll down and look at the video clips listed, on the right hand side: it's called "gas crook" and it's a screamer!

On the left of the "gas crook" was "drive by farting". Even more

Esp. the flustered look on the pretty reporter's face..

phantom · Oct 17th, 2005, 17:56

This one landed in my mailbox today and I found it funny

You have to love it!

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ _____

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: &n bsp; Uh, he's twenty-one.
______________________________ __________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dea d people.
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:
Oral.
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy y started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law

BangaloreDancer · Oct 17th, 2005, 22:13

Great one Phantom !!!

A BAD JOKE

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six-pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV.

One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then he left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.

"Not much," answered the doctor. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

cyberhippie · Oct 17th, 2005, 23:29

Bangeloredancer

Who started this joke idea anyway, it's messing my monitor!

PeakXV · Oct 18th, 2005, 09:39

Guy is in a line at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand, smiled and said hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "oooooh nooooo!" he says "are you Suzie the Stripper who popped out of the cake on my stag night and I had my way with on the snooker table with everybody clapping, jeering and egging me on?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

sudheer poppa · Oct 18th, 2005, 11:13

Quote:

Originally Posted by PeakXV

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

Wrong English from an English teacher.

amyl · Oct 19th, 2005, 13:24

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The
test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest,
yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION
You are in New Orleans following Hurricane Katrina. There is chaos all around you with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical
proportions. You are photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some
disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST
Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man
looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush. At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him
under forever. You have two options--you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting
the death of one of the world's most famous men.

THE QUESTION
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

so whats ur answer guys and gals?

TREKorDIE · Oct 19th, 2005, 22:46

what is the difference between
girls aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 & 68?

At 8: you take her to bed & tell her a story
At 18: you tell her a story & take her to bed
At 28: you don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed
At 38: she tells you a story & takes you to bed
At 48: you tell her a story to avoid taking her to bed
At 58: you stay in bed to avoid her story
At 68: if you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!!!

shanthi · Oct 20th, 2005, 00:01

seen going down a boreen (very small country road) in Ireland, last thursday week, tells you a little about the potholes we have for roads here don't it!!!

PRIYA · Oct 20th, 2005, 18:43

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day.
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.
It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"
My car broke down, says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?", asks the cop.

And she said...(scroll down)

"Those are my emergency flashers!"

rangss · Oct 20th, 2005, 19:54

Quote:

Originally Posted by sudheer

Wrong English from an English teacher.

Well..she was a blonde...

bijapuri · Oct 21st, 2005, 00:31

(not for kids)
(ok for blondes)
http://jesuspenis.ericschwartz.com/m...ideo/JP_QT.mov

lei · Oct 21st, 2005, 15:23

Indian Curry Rhapsody

an old one from years ago but still fun - thanks for the gif file shanti - been waiting for the right one for ages.

Oct 17th, 2005, 00:21	#17
katyrafi Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Kerala Posts: 177	A bit sick This one was sent to me by an ex work colleague, we both worked with amputees and I know they would see the funny side, hope you do too: --------------------------------------------------------- There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms. One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along and whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked "Why are you so happy anyway ?" He said " I'm NOT happy, my ass itches." __________________ Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly

Oct 17th, 2005, 17:56	#19
phantom Maha Guru Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Delhi Posts: 1,215	Courtroom Drama :D This one landed in my mailbox today and I found it funny You have to love it! These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. ______________________________ _______ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks ______________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ______________________________ _______ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. ______________________________ _______ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. ______________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ______________________________ _____ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: &n bsp; Uh, he's twenty-one. ______________________________ __________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... ______________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dea d people. ______________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy y started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ______________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh? ______________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Oct 18th, 2005, 09:39	#22
PeakXV Naan.tering Nabob Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Abode of Glooscap Posts: 3,783	Getting Recognized Guy is in a line at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand, smiled and said hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!" His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "oooooh nooooo!" he says "are you Suzie the Stripper who popped out of the cake on my stag night and I had my way with on the snooker table with everybody clapping, jeering and egging me on?" "No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher" __________________ We shall not cease from exploration and at the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started ...and know the place for the first time. T.S. Eliot Don't go to India ~ Pre-trip Warnings & Misconceptions?

Oct 19th, 2005, 13:24	#24
amyl 21st Century Freak Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Singapura.......in Babenhausen, DE for a while Posts: 1,850	This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line. THE SITUATION You are in New Orleans following Hurricane Katrina. There is chaos all around you with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. THE TEST Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush. At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options--you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most famous men. THE QUESTION Here's the question, and please give an honest answer....... Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white? so whats ur answer guys and gals? __________________ a'mar kono chinta nei

Oct 19th, 2005, 22:46	#25
TREKorDIE A Trekker Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: INDIA Posts: 358	what is the difference between girls aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 & 68? At 8: you take her to bed & tell her a story At 18: you tell her a story & take her to bed At 28: you don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed At 38: she tells you a story & takes you to bed At 48: you tell her a story to avoid taking her to bed At 58: you stay in bed to avoid her story At 68: if you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!!! __________________ TREKorDIE: " BECAUSE IT IS THERE ! ! ! "

Oct 17th, 2005, 22:13	#20
BangaloreDancer Bhakti-Yogini Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Bangalore !!! Posts: 47	Great one Phantom !!! A BAD JOKE Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six-pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left. The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left. The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then he left. The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much," answered the doctor. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

Oct 17th, 2005, 23:29	#21
cyberhippie Account Closed by User's Request Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: the Netherlands Posts: 6,014	Bangeloredancer Who started this joke idea anyway, it's messing my monitor!

Oct 20th, 2005, 00:01	#26
shanthi Account closed on user's request Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: South India Posts: 785	Royal family day out ! heh heh:-) seen going down a boreen (very small country road) in Ireland, last thursday week, tells you a little about the potholes we have for roads here don't it!!!

Oct 20th, 2005, 18:43	#27
PRIYA Discombobulated Elsewherean! Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: nether regions Posts: 1,108	Blonde breakdown.. A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?" My car broke down, says the lady, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?", asks the cop. And she said...(scroll down) "Those are my emergency flashers!" __________________ Happiness is for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched and those who have tried. For only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. (Anon.)

Oct 21st, 2005, 00:31	#29
bijapuri laid traps for troubadours Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Priustan Posts: 2,601	just for the heck of it (not for kids) (ok for blondes) http://jesuspenis.ericschwartz.com/m...ideo/JP_QT.mov __________________ Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. Because it's only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential. Barack Obama lookit me!!!: http://www.flickr.com/photos/bijapuri/ Utube fuzzy logic: http://youtube.com/profile_videos?user=bijapuri&p =r

Oct 21st, 2005, 15:23	#30
lei ke garne Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: Australia Posts: 6	Curry Rhapsody Indian Curry Rhapsody an old one from years ago but still fun - thanks for the gif file shanti - been waiting for the right one for ages. __________________ My web page

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