Joke for the day!! (part deux)

deburn · Nov 3rd, 2009, 02:30

Glad you guys liked it - all thanks to hmm..whatcanthisbe, katyrafi and seventies'hippy

sunspirt · Nov 4th, 2009, 05:08

A fine is a tax for doing wrong...
A tax is a fine for doing well.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

jaws · Nov 4th, 2009, 14:02

At the Welfare Office

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE
drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply
all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday
trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's
and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located
above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is £100,000 a year

The guy, just plain wide- eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me!

The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it.

seventies'hippy · Nov 4th, 2009, 14:15

Quote:

Originally Posted by deburn

I was laughing so hard I had tears coming out and I had to stop reading 3 times because I almost choked... Bohemian Rhapsody is one of my favs.

The joke is from seventies'hippy
)

Didn't mean to make you cry,,,,,,,,

ebby · Nov 4th, 2009, 18:32

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.

Not to be denied, the ho#NY husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried down-stairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while"

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom.

"Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now"

sa_ill · Nov 5th, 2009, 13:11

Subject: Wife vs Husband

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping
pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you
************ ********* ********* ********* *
Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

Wife: No darling, it means,

With Idiot For Ever

************ ********* ********* ********* *

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,

So I could have a new one everyday.

************ ********* ********* ********* *

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute

I asked you to marry me.

************ ********* ********* ********* *
Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.

So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: Why Three?

Husband: For you and your parents

************ ********* ********* *********

Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again

************ ********* ********* *********
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest?

Husband: A lovely Push...!!!

jaws · Nov 5th, 2009, 17:03

A Husband Comes Home From Satsang.
He Greets His Wife And Lifts Her Up.

He Then Carries Her Around The House.
The Wife Is So Surprised And She Asks

'did The Swami Preach About Being Romantic '?

The Husband Responded

' No, He Said We Must Carry Our Burdens And Sorrows '

sa_ill · Nov 5th, 2009, 17:07

Good one Jaws!

deburn · Nov 5th, 2009, 22:27

haha, nice one!

Quote:

Originally Posted by seventies'hippy

Didn't mean to make you cry,,,,,,,,

ebby · Nov 7th, 2009, 23:20

LITTLE JOHNNY AND PROPER GRAMMAR

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on Little Lisa, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Lisa," replied the teacher. She then called on Little Tommy.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny...

Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just f*%@# beautiful!"

*******

ebby · Nov 8th, 2009, 22:06

Geography of Women

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially
for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada.
Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

The Geography of a Man

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran. Ruled only by nuts.

sagarneel · Nov 11th, 2009, 13:49

Anil came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. 'Who the hell are you?' Demanded Anil, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'.

The mysterious Man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm Yamraj'.

Anil was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away'.

Yamraj replied 'Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen..'

Anil was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'

It's not so bad' replies Anil, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode'.

You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before'.

'Never' replies Anil

'Well just relax and let it happen'

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting

Anil, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting on the bed'.

vko · Nov 11th, 2009, 16:14

Quote:

Originally Posted by sagarneel

wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting on the bed'.

ebby · Nov 12th, 2009, 16:05

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.

They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asked.

She answered, "Because I'm dead."

The husband asked..."What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!"

She said, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insisted, "You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

jaws · Nov 16th, 2009, 18:53

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Nov 4th, 2009, 05:08	#1787
sunspirt Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: my mind or body? My body may be present but my mind is elsewhere. Posts: 439	A fine is a tax for doing wrong... A tax is a fine for doing well. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. __________________ be true to yourself, everyone else is taken

Nov 5th, 2009, 13:11	#1791
sa_ill Freakish Stylish Degenerate Megalomanic Join Date: May 2009 Location: Octupus' Garden Posts: 156	Subject: Wife vs Husband Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills. Wife: When must I give them to him? Doctor: They are for you ********** ***** ***** ******* * Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime! Wife: No darling, it means, With Idiot For Ever ********** ***** ***** ******* * Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day. Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one everyday. ********** ***** ***** ******* * Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are. Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me. ********** ***** ***** ******* * Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: Why Three? Husband: For you and your parents ********** ***** ***** ***** Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday? A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again ******** ***** ***** ******* Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest? Husband: A lovely Push...!!! __________________ I quote Nich - H, who quoted Chris A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman walk into a bar. The barman says, "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"

Nov 11th, 2009, 13:49	#1797
sagarneel In love with mountains Join Date: May 2008 Location: Kolkatan living in New Delhi Posts: 327	Anil came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. 'Who the hell are you?' Demanded Anil, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'. The mysterious Man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm Yamraj'. Anil was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away'. Yamraj replied 'Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen..' Anil was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?' It's not so bad' replies Anil, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode'. You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before'. 'Never' replies Anil 'Well just relax and let it happen' And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting Anil, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting on the bed'. __________________ My photos: http://www.trekearth.com/members/sagar/photos/

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Nov 3rd, 2009, 02:30	#1786
deburn Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Boston Posts: 38	Glad you guys liked it - all thanks to hmm..whatcanthisbe, katyrafi and seventies'hippy

Nov 4th, 2009, 14:02	#1788
jaws Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: LONDON Posts: 297	At the Welfare Office A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.' The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is £100,000 a year The guy, just plain wide- eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me! The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it.

Nov 4th, 2009, 18:32	#1790
ebby Brain dead member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Mysore, India Posts: 1,906	A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the ho#NY husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried down-stairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while" Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now"

Nov 5th, 2009, 17:03	#1792
jaws Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: LONDON Posts: 297	A Husband Comes Home From Satsang. He Greets His Wife And Lifts Her Up. He Then Carries Her Around The House. The Wife Is So Surprised And She Asks 'did The Swami Preach About Being Romantic '? The Husband Responded ' No, He Said We Must Carry Our Burdens And Sorrows '

Nov 5th, 2009, 17:07	#1793
sa_ill Freakish Stylish Degenerate Megalomanic Join Date: May 2009 Location: Octupus' Garden Posts: 156	Good one Jaws!

Nov 7th, 2009, 23:20	#1795
ebby Brain dead member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Mysore, India Posts: 1,906	LITTLE JOHNNY AND PROPER GRAMMAR One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on Little Lisa, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Lisa," replied the teacher. She then called on Little Tommy. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny... Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just f%@# beautiful!" ******

Nov 8th, 2009, 22:06	#1796
ebby Brain dead member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Mysore, India Posts: 1,906	Geography of Women Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge. The Geography of a Man Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran. Ruled only by nuts.

Nov 12th, 2009, 16:05	#1799
ebby Brain dead member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Mysore, India Posts: 1,906	An older couple is lying in bed one morning. They had just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me." "Why not?" he asked. She answered, "Because I'm dead." The husband asked..."What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!" She said, "No, I'm definitely dead." He insisted, "You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" "Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

Nov 16th, 2009, 18:53	#1800
jaws Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: LONDON Posts: 297	A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."