Joke for the day!! (part deux)

TimMakins

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!"

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Quote:

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. Mark Twain

PRIYA

A distinguished looking young lady is on a flight returning from
Switzerland. She finds herself seated next to a priest and asks" Excuse
me father, may I ask a favor of you?"

"Well of course Miss, what can I do for you?" he replies.

"Here's the dilemma, I purchased for myself, a superbly sophisticated
electronic hair remover. I paid a lot of money for it. I really went well
over the limits set forth by Customs, and I fear they will confiscate it
from me. Could you perhaps secret it through Customs for me under your
robes?"

"I certainly could my dear, only I must warn you I really am not ever
able to lie..."

"You have such an honest face father, surely they will never ask any
questions of you," and with that she hands him the hair remover.

After landing they proceed through Customs and it becomes the father's
turn in line.

"Father, do you have anything to declare?" asks the Custom's officer.


"From the top of my head to my waist I have nothing to declare my son."

Finding this answer a little strange the custom's officer proceeds to
ask, "And from the waist to the floor, what do you have to declare?"


The father replies, "I have a marvelous little instrument destined to be
used on a woman, but which has never yet been used..."


Roaring with laughter the Custom's officer says, "Go right through
father.


Next!"

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Happiness is for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched and those who have tried. For only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. (Anon.)

phantom

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in! one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the
day time when we don't need it".

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I
be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the
disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted
doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

SHIMLA

TEN REASONS WHY GUNS ARE BETTER THAN WIVES
10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

09. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on
the road.

08. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably
let you try it out a few times.

07. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun as a
backup.

06. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

05. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

04. Guns function normally every day of the month.

03. A gun doesn't ask: "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

02. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is better than a wife:



01. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.

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Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop !

SHIMLA

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seventies'hippy

The Bean Counter..... Can you find him..

This is bizarre - after you find the guy - it's so obvious. Once you
find him - it's embarrassing, and you think, Why didn't I see him
immediately?

Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, your right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, your right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein. If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!

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somnath

Good one!!!!
Thanks for sharing.

- Somnath

larki55

Shimla,

larki55

larki55

Smart Ass Answer
> A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
> tickets.
> As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
> opened his trench coat and flashed her.
> Without missing a beat....she said, Sir, I need to see your ticket not
> your stub."
>
> Smart Ass Answer
> A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,
> but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
> She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
> The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
>
>Smart Ass answer
> The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
> rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
> said.

> The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
> When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
> without a ticket.
>

Nick-H

Seems my brain doesn't have a right side

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Just one member of the IndiaMike Mod Team

seventies'hippy

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk.

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon



Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate



Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk.

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more drinks for me, I've reached my limit.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) Please take the shooters back, let's have water.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero coordination.
I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
k) Look, it would be great to have a Shag but I hardly know you and we will only feel really
embarrassed and awkward in the morning.
l) That guy is looking at my girlfriend but I am sure its just because he knows her or something.
m) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try balancing on it with this short
skirt on in case I fell off.
n) I must get to my bed as I could never have a really good sleep in that hedge

PRIYA

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God
bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to
do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange
coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and
good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
"God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at
the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had
lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until
midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going
home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When
he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the
matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst
day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning our neighbour James dropped dead on our porch."

Nick-H

Two nice ones

Nick-H

All this Indiamike talk about getting SIM cards has made me want to start up a cell phone company called ALISTAIR.

Sorry....

SHIMLA

A formula that explains a woman(to a man) :

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