Indian Men & Love

Indiamad

Is it just my experience or is it the norm for Indian men to be overly 'intense' in a lovesick schoolboy kind of way when it comes to love?

I met an Indian man who basically professed his love for me in a matter of days. Granted, there was an attraction between us and he really was a wonderful person, however I found that in reality we couldn't communicate all that well due to his poor English, which I found really difficult but his response was the old 'language no barrier when come to love' line.

We've since emailed, however I've realised the communication is basically all one sided and going nowhere. His emails always consist of the same old questions without any elaboration on his part about his life, work, thoughts or ANYTHING other than 'love'. He in the meantime believes that we're to be married upon my return! I've let him know this isn't the case, but he doesn't seem to understand me. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

Indojingai

There were no info on his education, employment etc... so i guess the charms of an Australian visa attracts him, besides having a foreign 'love'.

Dont!

(Though besides the point, but not all Indian men are like this person.)

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Indiamad

He was fairly well educated, worked in reservations for a large guest house and p/t as a tour guide and had no desire to leave his country - unless of course, only if I wanted to live back in Australia, as 'anywhere in world I live for you'. He certainly wasn't a 'player' and was quite inexperienced with relationships from what he told me. He was from Rajasthan and spoke of moving to Bombay if that's what I preferred. It wasn't a green card thing, 110% certain of that.

raos

Well, if you look at popular culture i.e. Bollywood, most "love" stories follow this pattern. I have to say I'm always a bit puzzled about these questions (no offense intended). The idea of dating and love relationships in India is very foreign (except in the movies of course) and I would think this is obvious. Social development along these lines is delayed, regressed, etc. There is no healthy outlet for sex, displays of affection, the development of relationships, etc. You are applying a true Western standard (which I happen to believe is a healthier way of dealing with issues of "love") when you judge your friend on this. The fact that he might be willing to marry outside of the traditional way probably makes him progressive by Indian standards, even if it's only for immigration purposes.

Indiamad

Raos, I understand your point but I'm confused as he's a very modern guy so would think his ideas on relationships would be in line with that. His sister had an arranged marriage which failed so he was against this for himself. His intentions were definetly not for immigration purposes. I'm just amazed at the speed of his feelings, no western guy I've dated has ever reacted anything like this!

sudheer poppa

my humble opinion is this is not something you would want to generalise. It is this one individual and his character. I would not extrapolate it to the ~500 million of the remaining crowd.

And it may not be wise to discuss one person's character in the internet. Its almost like asking all docs and students in a medical college to operate on one guy there, as his freind took him there thinking there is something wrong with him

Personally, I can fall in love with a person in a day or may take a lifetime to know that the person I know well for ages is the love of my life. It all depends on many aspects falling through.

He may be a lil immature, talk him through and when it reaches a stage where you absolutly cannot go on any more, tell him in clear terms that you are not accepting him any more. Tread carefully, and try your best not to feed to his imaginations (hopes).

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phantom

Well.. I never thought that there's any timeframe for expressing your love for anyone.. We always keep on hearing things like, "You might be too late", "Now is the right time", "Dont take too long, otherwise you might lose" .... !! The fact is.. its upto a person to decide when is the right time to pop the question.

Whatever may be the case.. if you really like that guy, but dont want to commit so fast.. then give it time.. tell him that you cant take such a big decision overnight.. I hope he will understand. Remind him about the differences in culture (again) and what are his plans to cope with them !!!! what about vegetarian or non veg thing.. most of the people from rajasthan are veggies.. ... what about the religion ?? What about his parents living with you ?? Make him think about all the issues that could arise... and you also think about them, then make your decision.

rv224

"Modern" in India is not necessarily the same thing as "modern" in Australia or the West. For India, dating is a recent phenomenon, taken from the media and Bollywood.

Erato

After dating an Indian guy for 10 months (modern, upper-middle class Indian; living in Canada for the past two years), I can tell you what I've noticed and what we've discussed together. Raos is right, they really don't understand the western concept of dating, and that includes many modern, urban upper class Indians! They believe you just need one person to be commited to your whole life, and it doesn't seem right to "jump from person to person".

An Indian man can marry a woman and say he "loves" her that day, even if he's only met her once or twice before the wedding day. This does not necessarily mean love the way a western person understands it. It's more of a feeling of commitment, as in "you are my wife, I am committed to you, I will look after you, therefore I love you". It doesn't (at least not at first) have the romantic connotations that we give it. And that is something western people can't understand, as our love and commitment tends to grow over time, with personalities meshing, thoughtful actions, etc. (How to define love?!?!) With arranged marriages, in theory, the couple is expected to adjust to each other and comprise, despite all obstacles, so it's possible to have a happy life together. I guess we sort of do it the opposite way - we search until we find a person with whom we have the least "obstacles", and commit ourselves to them.

Just my two cents worth. I know it doesn't apply to all Indian relationships.

phantom

As per my knowledge, the modern arranged marriages also work the same way, the only difference is that, here the parents or the families arrange for the couple to meet each other, then we can decide after a couple of meetings or more that whether we can move forward or not. More often than not, more than 6 months time is kept between the engagement and marriage so that the couple gets to know each other and be comfortable in each other's company, you can call it the courtship period. The marriage can be called off at any point of time before the actual ceremony, if either the boy or girl feel like it. And yeah the concept is that once you get married its supposed to be for "next 7 lives" ... quite different from the west where you cant be sure about the next 7 years !!!! Divorce is still a news in Indian middle and lower classes.

Even the dating is different from the common Western concept of dating. We dont call it a "date" unless or until we are romantically inclined towards a person. Till then its just friends chilling out together . We formally announce our love and if its accepted then we call it as we are dating.

docgirl2005

Reading the other postings has been interesting. My husband was raised in a VERY VERY small town but went to medical school in Chennai (madras). So for the first 18 years of his life he was in a small town, and only met me after he got to the "big city"..We were together for 7 years before marrying..I was the one who professed my love to him within a few months. Considering I was supposed to be this image of a big bad NRI girl from the US, it was a surprised to everyone to know I was so "in love" so fast and that he was my one true love. He wanted to wait, he wasnt sure, he knew the obstacles we would face being from different communities and all. We are the same language but communities are vastly different. He was sceptical, but only after he made sure he was ready to commit to me and he was ready to fight with me..did he actually take it to the next level...(as in western thinking). Thankfully everything worked out for us, families love us and each other and it was a happy balance of love and arrangement. My point is we cannot really generalize here..Indian men come in all shapes and sizes. But yes I do understand your plight and your wondering why many Indian men are so fast. The entire concept of dating is foreign to them. Even in the upper classes are like that, unless they come from very forward type of families..think Mumbai socialites/Bollywood/Shobha De or something.

Do you know that from an early age, boys and girls are seperated in classes in schools? While I do understand why they do this, to prevent them from getting close and losing focus on their studies..But in the process the opposite sex becomes almost a foreign, mystical creature. Even in colleges, boys and girls sit in seperate sections of the class. While I agree its ok in schooling, in COLLEGE I think people are mature enough to handle the "temptation" and still study well. After all, ISNT THE REAL WORLD MADE UP of MEN & WOMEN? Without the common interactions and socializations, people can be awkward later in life. And if and when they go abroad, they are in sensory overkill, bikinis, babes, no parents, and no rules, free porn, just imagine what happens then? Some have control but many dont.

Again, generalizations are not fair, but you just have to take a look at a regional film (like tamil or telugu ) or even few bollywood films. PLot: The girl is NOT interested, shes from a good family, shes interested in studying and listening to her parents in regards to her marriage, along comes some rowdy (probably not in her social class but not necessarily) and he sings and dances to try to woe her. If she resists, he tries harder. He tells her "I am a great man, dont be such a egomaniac..girls should be soft and willing"....Finally after much persuasions, since of course the dimwit cant make up her mind, against her better judgement she falls for the guy and they are in LOVE. Its like a "bother her or in his case woe her, say you love her, until she gives in" thing.The entire "no means no theory" is relatively new to many people there because sometimes the only experience men have with women is what they see in the MOVIES.

One famous scene comes to mind, for the telugu filmwatchers out there ..Nagarjuna and Amala in "Nirnayam" in the song titled "Hello Guru Prema Kosam", he basically tells her "life is for love" "I chose to love her, shes making a big deal and saying no".. "I am a great guy from a big family is it wrong to love you?" "You are not as arrogant as me, I am tall and proud, more than you, no woman will say no to me"....."so why dont you say yes?" "if I get married, I am MARRYING only you".......gaggggg me!!! Yukk, every time I hear this song, I want to vomit.

Anyways, basically generalizations are wrong, but sometimes it does ring true. Thankfully for me it was the opposite, but if you feel pressured and dont love him YET..tell him so. All said and done...there is one thing you never have to worry about while dealing with Indian men as compared to some non-Indian men who profess their love to you...."Commitment phobia"! LOL..Bye good luck to you!

P.S. I'm sorry my post is so long, but as a woman who married an Indian man,and even though I am of Indian descent, I was raised in the West. I thought of sharing my experience with you.

SitaParityaga

I loved your post, docgirl2005!

I find this topic fascinating, and you were very kind to have shared your personal experience and insights.

Merchant

Indiamad, maybe you're a total hottie and you've set this poor guy's soul on fire. Don't sell yourself short.

docgirl2005

Awwww..thanks so much Edsita, and thank you for having the patience to read it. I think its my longest post to date. hehe

P.S. the new season of Amazing Race starts next month..I remember you were a fan too! Ciao

getgopi1

I attended college here in Boston and, yeah well, it was quite an experience the first year or so sitting next to all those lovely pair of legs and subtle cleavages Without getting into (sometimes juicy) details, all I can say is that its been a long journey for me from the "overreacting" type to the more "take life as it comes" type that I am today

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