India... strange thoughts

milagro

I'm heading for Bangalore in a few weeks for my second time - after being there last year, doing some volunteer teaching for an NGO school, I could not resist to book a flight again and return to that strange place.

I love India, even before I boarded my flight back home last year I knew I'd be there again very soon. Don't know why.

Emotionally, my stay there didn't leave me indifferent in any aspect. Either I was completely fascinated by it, or totally appalled. And now, when I imagine how it's going to be there, I don't feel enthusiastic at all - I'm nervous as hell. Although I know more or less how it's going to be like. Although, actually I probably don't... the most ramarkable things that happen in India are probably those that are not planned.

One thing I particularly feel nervous about when staying in indian cities are the evenings... It may have been the most enchanting and rewarding day, but as soon as it gets dark, when all the nice people I dealt with during the day have gone to their homes and I don't know what to do and where to spend the evening, I start to question everything.

When the power gets out and I stand alone in a dark room, when I can hear the stray dogs in front of the door barking, when the heat and a hard mattress make it impossible to get some decent sleep, when I realise that it's too late at night to call anybody at home, when the stench of the nearby drain is repulsive and the window can't be shut because there is none; when I feel like I need a cold beer and somebody to lean on but realise that getting out and tipsy in a place I don't really know and having to take a rickshaw across town through strange places, obscure roads, narrow shortcuts, unbuilt flyovers, risking to get into a situation which might be even more intimidating or even potentially dangerous, it makes me hate India. Maybe it's anxiety, or a culture shock I never completely overcame, I don't know what it is.



I will stay again with a typical middle-class bangalorean family at their house, which is quite nice, and of course they're extremely friendly, they're Christians, have an extremely strong belief (Which I admire in some way), and politically they're ultra-conservative... To me as a foreigner (I'm Swiss), they're caring, they're interesting people to talk to and rather familiar towards me, but when there is a problem they will usually respond with "no problem" (In fact, they're probably right), or suggest to take me to a priest, or monk or something to get help for me. It's just not the kind of people you'd like to talk to when you feel uncomfortable - It'd only hurt them because they consider themselves responsible for own your well-being.

Does anybody here know the feeling I'm talking about... how do you deal with that... or how did you eventually get over it? It's far away from being rational... I've been there long enough to somehow know the dangers... But that strange feeling of fear never completely vanished when I was there. No problem during the days... I mostly feel really comfortable and even at home at that place.

martin

ps. somebody in Bangalore in July-August, maybe up for a drink sometime or a weekend trip to some place nearby?

lotus blossom

the first time i was in india i made a list "10 things i hate about india". i truly hated so many things about it but it was after i got pretty sick and was all alone that i compiled this list, so i think that being alone is an issue in a place like india. oddly, i also felt it was important for me to be alone because there was no distraction to run to of hide behind. in short, it opened a door for me to learn a lot about myself.

i was also attracted to what i hated in a strange and twisted way. some things were so unbelievable to my western mind that i found myself intrigued with them.

i've been to india three times now and still there are things about it that confound me, yet the mystery and the way that it helps open my mind keep me interested.

__________________
Not all who wander are lost

gypsygal

The moment i steped off the plain the first time i arrived in india , was the most frustrating scary and strangly exciting thing i ever felt, and i know so well the feeing of standing in a hot room in the dark listening to the vermon and bored youths outside the window, the first night i was there i didn't arrive at my hotel till 9.30 pm i was hot hungry and hadn't had a cigerett for like 13 hours or something, and all i wanted was a shower, so it wasn't till i went to turn on the shower that i realised that the water just sprayed out from a whole in the wall and half the roof in the corner was missing so the people upstairs could more than likly see me if they looked, that was when i had my colture shock and just balled crying, no one there no support and to much pride to ring anyone to tell them how i felt, it was only for the fact that i smoke cigeretts that made me get out and be brave, as after not haveing a cigy for that long i can get a little pissed off, so as stupid as it was i went out in the night and no one dared get in my way after about 10 young indian boys started to approuch me and i give them a right fright and yelled at them saying ''don't you dare start on mr c*nts' and i walked of leaveing them all looking confused, then i finally found a little shack full of shit, and the guy didn't speek english so after trying to make hand symbols, i walked around the back of him and grabed the nearest pack of smokes and asked how much then stamped the money down and did the 007 mission back to the hostel!!! After that some how india didn't seem so scary, so the next day i began my travels, and slowly met others on the way to share my time with for as long as we were on the same path!!!

The second time here i was releived to be back after spending only three months out of india and spending it in urope i was so missing everything about india and in some sence found the west to be cold harsh boring, and i noticed that the conversations i once found interesting in the west now ment apserlutly nothing to me and at times would piss me off at how narrow ,minded people where or blind!!!

Im now in kashmir and feel truely at home and truely can't imagine leaving, the life i once lived just doesn't seem apealing to me anymore!!! allthough i do wish that they would open a bar in kashmir as that is one thing i can't live to long with out!!!

lotus blossom

gypsygal, i can relate to two things that you say.

i too felt a sudden and strange shift the moment i deplaned and my feet touched the ground in india. actually, it was as if the ground was not quite there.

and second, i have been back home for a little over a month and find that my life here just does not suit me anymore. i feel a bit between worlds, and more than a bit out of sorts.

which houseboat are you staying on? i was on dal lake for a month, so i know how you're feeling. it was sorta like home.

gypsygal

Maybe you will grace india with your presence sooner than you thought , i know i came back much sooner than i ever thought!!!

I am actually liveing with a kashmiri family here, in their home working for them to pay for bored and some rice!! it is a simple life but i like it, they are the owners of h.b raja's garden, and they are slowly doing up their home at dal gate to turn it into a guest house, so i'm doing a bit of concreteing and serving chai to the elders and stuff, but at the moment life is hectic as it is the son of the family's wedding so it is non stop getting bolk veggy's prepared and building new extentions!!! only 2 days then it should be back to normal!!

lotus blossom

gypsygal, i am thinking that i may be back in india the first part of 2006. it's probably the soonest i can get away and have enough $$ to return. when were you last in india?

it sounds like a good gig that you have goin there. i stayed on H.B. Umbrella while i was on Dal Lake, an out of the way place that is more like a residence than a rental, but there is the occassional guests. it is my friend's families houseboat, so i stayed there for over a month, basically until my money ran out, and then some. i like the idea of doing a work trade, but it was also nice to help my friend's family out financially speaking, even though it was a lot for me

enjoy the rest of your stay there!

iwanttogoback

martin

i think i know how you feel, and i think that it is just anxiety. i have had problems with anxiety in the past and i was quite nervous about going to india - my first real trip overseas and i pick india! a lot of the time i was there i was nervous, even anxious, and it does get worse at night and in the dark.
and i wasn't on my own, i was travelling with 30 and then 8 other people.
the best way i have found to deal with it is just to accept how you are feeling and keep on doing what you want to be doing. sitting still and concentrating on it is probably the worst thing you can do. the more you accept it and keep on moving, the less of a problem it is.
and i loved india and i want to go back and i know that i will probably be scared again, but i will go anyway, and hopefully i will be less scared this time.
cheers
have a great time.