Getting married in Chennai in six weeks: newbie here

Solved · Dec 9th, 2005, 10:40

Hi there everyone, I'm ever so glad to have found this forum. I'm going to India in six weeks to marry my Indian fiancé (currently living in US) and meet his family for the first time ever. I have been absolutely scared of this trip, the wedding, the extended family, how he would react... pretty much everything except the gift buying part, because I love it; but reading some of the experiences here has really lifted a weight off of my shoulders. Thanks!

I haven't even gotten my visa or immunizations yet because I just couldn't accept I was actually doing this. It's slowly sinking in, I guess. I am just having a real hard time being myself through all this. At first I just said yes to whatever his family asked, and just ended up feeling I was just another guest at the wedding; now I've started defending a few of the things I care about (what color sari I'll wear in the reception, that we're going on a honeymoon, how the US invitations look like) and given in to some other things after they were thoroughly explained to me to a point I could deal with them (e.g. getting an Indian name, leaving my mid-calf skirts home).

I still feel I'm getting lost amidst all these things, and at the same time I wish I weren't so "difficult"... this trip is certainly elliciting a lot of new and intense feelings for me, I hope to keep reading here and find others with similar experiences and advice, it's really invaluable!

steven_ber · Dec 9th, 2005, 10:46

Quote:

Originally Posted by Solved

It's slowly sinking in, I guess. I am just having a real hard time being myself through all this. At first I just said yes to whatever his family asked, and just ended up feeling I was just another guest at the wedding; now I've started defending a few of the things I care about (what color sari I'll wear in the reception, that we're going on a honeymoon, how the US invitations look like) and given in to some other things after they were thoroughly explained to me to a point I could deal with them (e.g. getting an Indian name, leaving my mid-calf skirts home).

I still feel I'm getting lost amidst all these things, and at the same time I wish I weren't so "difficult"...

Good to see that weddings are the same the world over.

Welcome to indiamike.com

One of our Chennai members is also getting married soon.

dan37_123 · Dec 9th, 2005, 11:13

hi,
Marriages are every where the same. I guess u r an american marrying an indian. Culturally there are lot of differnces between india and US and, at the same time lot of similarities. I guess you are going to india to marry the guy whom you loved. Be clear that you are not going to india, TO MARRY INDIA.

If you want to talk more you can PM me.

Congratulations and good luck

Dan

Solved · Dec 9th, 2005, 11:16

Thanks for your replies! I should have clarified, though, I'm Argentinian

aurovon · Dec 9th, 2005, 11:19

I am going to take a wild guess and say you are not fiance of Karan1916

Anyways ignore the last statement.

Not exactly sure what you want to know, but I guess you are just nervous.

Just go with the flow, and post pics!

Oh and if his family starts to drive you crazy, don't worry desi parents tend to do that.

Just nod your head and remember you will be back home in no time.

Nick-H · Dec 9th, 2005, 11:47

Welcome to Chennai! Yep: I'm marrying an Indian citizen next week. Ours is a simple, non-religious do;it sounds like you are getting the full works. Just be happy there is a family running the show for you --- even for our simple do it is hard, hard to have to do everything ourselves!

I'm sure you will be overwhelmed. Best to just give in to the experience and enjoy!

My only advice.... your fiance's family will have been (apart from their own) going to weddings regularly all their lives. They will be absolutely familiar with the ceremony in every detail. They may well just assume that you are too! Maybe you are already getting your man to explain it to you, but do get your 'training' so that know what to expect and how to respond.

Congratulations!

Indojingai · Dec 9th, 2005, 11:58

Nick-H:
Congratulations!! Happy wedding. (if thats a greeting.)

OP:
You'll get to see and feel a lot of India style loving. You're in for a crazy crazy ride, that you'll like.
So, congratulations !!

Solved · Dec 9th, 2005, 17:35

Thanks for the advice. My future sister-in-law was kind enough to send me the dvds of her wedding a couple months ago. Unfortunately only then I realized how little my fiancé actuallly knew about the ceremony! It's still a sore spot for me because I'm definitely uncomfortable with the thought of having a "family" that will play the roles of mine (since no one is coming to the wedding from my side).

Lately we've duscussed having an Arya Samaj wedding instead, because when we booked our flights we didn't know there was a 30-day period of stay needed to get married through the Special Marriage Act. If anyone can confirm that the Arya Samaj wedding is indeed a lot simpler and doesn't involve me sitting on a strange man's lap I'd be forever grateful.

I hate to sound so uncompromising, because I'm usually a very flexible person, but I was feeling unable to actually relate to the wedding when everything was so foreign and felt almost imposed. Still, there's a lot of things I'm looking forward to, but of course what worries me right now is what lies on the opposite corner!

dan37_123 · Dec 9th, 2005, 20:37

so, you are argentinian, he is indian, both are residents in US. There are lot of opions, such as; civil marriage in US, Arya samaj marriage in India, Civil marriage in India, etc., etc.,. I can tell you one thing for sure, getting married in india, in a traditional indian manner, is an unforgettable event. It is unforgettable both from philosophical (if you have time take a read into the marriage sanskrit hymns, its full of wisdom) and cultural point of you.

So please put your doubts behind, enjoy your wedding and a happy married life afterwards.

More over, i think you should discuss these things with your boy frined, instead of posting these on such a public forum. In case if your boy friend, happens to see this thread, i am sure, he wont be happy.

good luck
dan

Solved · Dec 9th, 2005, 20:54

I don't live in US. I live in Argentina. He lives in US. After the wedding he'll live in US and I'll live in Argentina for at least eight months, so yes, I am mainly concerned with the upcoming wedding at this point of time.

Because of these two things the lot of options that you mention doesn't really exist. Otherwise I wouldn't be worried about it, it's quite simple.

And thanks for your concern, but my partner knows my feelings and my activities. He doesn't mind, so it's not an issue; rest assured.

Auntyji · Dec 9th, 2005, 21:43

Solved, my wedding was very similar to the Arya Samaj wedding. There is a priest in the Theosophical Society in Chennai who conducts it; he calls it a Vedic ceremony. It is the most basic Hindu wedding and lasts about 45 mins to one hour.
An Arya Samaj wedding should also last about an hour. As far as I know, neither the Arya Samaj wedding nor the Vedic ceremony involve sitting on anyone's lap; I did not have to do this at my wedding. In fact, neither my parents nor my husband's parents needed to sit alongside us.

I married someone from the North of India (I'm from the South) and found the time before the wedding to be a bit stressful as I did not know many of their customs. The Vedic ceremony was great because it was not North Indian or South Indian; it was a simple Hindu ceremony and satisfied everyone.

Why don't you decide what you can compromise on and what you cannot? Like if you don't want to sit on someone's lap, say so. It seems like you have agreed to many things; surely you can state what you're not comfortable with.

Nick-H · Dec 9th, 2005, 21:58

As you say 'in 6 weeks time' I guess that the whole thing is booked up, organised and thoroughly arranged by now.

IIRC (I've only seen two Hindu weddings (we're all, I think, assuming this is a Hindu wedding...)) the bride changes her dress at some point. At least one of these saris will be a gift from the Guy's family. I don't know if you get any say in choosing it, but hey, it will have to really horrible to spoil your day!

I also think that the complexity of a Hindu wedding can vary from paying a few ruppees for a wedding ticket at the temple, exchanging garlands and getting the blessing ---to something which lasts for days.

I don't recall either of the brides at my friends' weddings sitting on anyone's lap: but tradition varies accorcing to community

Auntyji · Dec 9th, 2005, 22:05

Nick, I don't know which community Solved's fiancee belongs to, but one of my cousins married a Kannada speaker and she did have to sit on her dad's lap before being "given away". Don't know if any Tamilian communities follow this practice.
And yes, we have assumed Solved's fiancee is Hindu, but when she talked about sitting on someone's lap as part of the ceremony, I thought of my cousin's wedding.

Solved · Dec 9th, 2005, 22:09

Thanks a lot Auntiji, that's super helpful. My family in law is trying to find out more things about the Arya Samaj wedding but they've been super busy (and my sisters in law live in Chicago and Mumbai so they're too far to enquire right now).

I think the long ceremony is lovely, and there are some parts of it I'm really looking forward to, I just feel really uncomfortable with that kind of physical contact with a strange man. However, I was worried that since the traditional ceremony is quite standard (I mean, for his family and friends) that it'd be too weird for us to do everything and yet avoid the sitting part and that the guests would think it's wrong and my family in law would feel embarrased.

Nick, yes, I am aware that for the ceremony I need to wear the madisar and I have no problem. I've also agreed that I will wear the sari I already own (they chose it) for the morning part of the ritual. My only problem is that six months ago my sister in law asked me what I wanted to wear at the reception, and I picked a sari instead of a salwar or lehenga (they were happy with this) and I chose the color saffron because I know they like dressing to match the bride (I saw it in my SIL's video) and saffron seemed a color that would look good on both me and them (or they could do orange or gold, etc) and at the same time be traditional and auspicious. However, they've just told my fiancé that they don't think I can look good in saffron and thus they will pick a new color (I've already bought shoes and accesories in saffron). This is what bothers me.

ETA: yes, it's a Hindu wedding, I'm sorry I didn't clarify it earlier.

Sol.

Auntyji · Dec 9th, 2005, 22:22

Quote:

Originally Posted by Solved

However, they've just told my fiancé that they don't think I can look good in saffron and thus they will pick a new color (I've already bought shoes and accesories in saffron). This is what bothers me..

Solved, I feel your pain. I was asked to wear a lehenga when I wanted to wear a Kanjeevaram sari, but I explained that I would wear only a Kanjeevaram as I did not want to invest in an expensive lehenga which I did not feel comfortable wearing.

I can understand that you feel upset that other people have made decisions about what looks good on you. Since you have already agreed to a madisar of their choice, maybe you could point that out...that it would be nice to wear atleast one sari that you have chosen yourself.

Good luck.

Dec 9th, 2005, 10:40	#1
Solved Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: BA Posts: 36	Getting married in Chennai in six weeks: newbie here Hi there everyone, I'm ever so glad to have found this forum. I'm going to India in six weeks to marry my Indian fiancé (currently living in US) and meet his family for the first time ever. I have been absolutely scared of this trip, the wedding, the extended family, how he would react... pretty much everything except the gift buying part, because I love it; but reading some of the experiences here has really lifted a weight off of my shoulders. Thanks! I haven't even gotten my visa or immunizations yet because I just couldn't accept I was actually doing this. It's slowly sinking in, I guess. I am just having a real hard time being myself through all this. At first I just said yes to whatever his family asked, and just ended up feeling I was just another guest at the wedding; now I've started defending a few of the things I care about (what color sari I'll wear in the reception, that we're going on a honeymoon, how the US invitations look like) and given in to some other things after they were thoroughly explained to me to a point I could deal with them (e.g. getting an Indian name, leaving my mid-calf skirts home). I still feel I'm getting lost amidst all these things, and at the same time I wish I weren't so "difficult"... this trip is certainly elliciting a lot of new and intense feelings for me, I hope to keep reading here and find others with similar experiences and advice, it's really invaluable!

Dec 9th, 2005, 11:47	#6
Nick-H Loud-mouthed, Noisy Bird Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Chennai, India Posts: 26,773	Welcome to Chennai! Yep: I'm marrying an Indian citizen next week. Ours is a simple, non-religious do;it sounds like you are getting the full works. Just be happy there is a family running the show for you --- even for our simple do it is hard, hard to have to do everything ourselves! I'm sure you will be overwhelmed. Best to just give in to the experience and enjoy! My only advice.... your fiance's family will have been (apart from their own) going to weddings regularly all their lives. They will be absolutely familiar with the ceremony in every detail. They may well just assume that you are too! Maybe you are already getting your man to explain it to you, but do get your 'training' so that know what to expect and how to respond. Congratulations! __________________ . Just one member of the IndiaMike Mod Team

Dec 9th, 2005, 11:58	#7
Indojingai One in a billion member. Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Amsterdam Posts: 987	Nick-H: Congratulations!! Happy wedding. (if thats a greeting.) OP: You'll get to see and feel a lot of India style loving. You're in for a crazy crazy ride, that you'll like. So, congratulations !! __________________ I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle.

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Dec 9th, 2005, 11:13	#3
dan37_123 Senior Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: Europe Posts: 389	hi, Marriages are every where the same. I guess u r an american marrying an indian. Culturally there are lot of differnces between india and US and, at the same time lot of similarities. I guess you are going to india to marry the guy whom you loved. Be clear that you are not going to india, TO MARRY INDIA. If you want to talk more you can PM me. Congratulations and good luck Dan

Dec 9th, 2005, 11:16	#4
Solved Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: BA Posts: 36	Thanks for your replies! I should have clarified, though, I'm Argentinian

Dec 9th, 2005, 11:19	#5
aurovon Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Texas, USA Posts: 54	I am going to take a wild guess and say you are not fiance of Karan1916 Anyways ignore the last statement. Not exactly sure what you want to know, but I guess you are just nervous. Just go with the flow, and post pics! Oh and if his family starts to drive you crazy, don't worry desi parents tend to do that. Just nod your head and remember you will be back home in no time.

Dec 9th, 2005, 17:35	#8
Solved Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: BA Posts: 36	Thanks for the advice. My future sister-in-law was kind enough to send me the dvds of her wedding a couple months ago. Unfortunately only then I realized how little my fiancé actuallly knew about the ceremony! It's still a sore spot for me because I'm definitely uncomfortable with the thought of having a "family" that will play the roles of mine (since no one is coming to the wedding from my side). Lately we've duscussed having an Arya Samaj wedding instead, because when we booked our flights we didn't know there was a 30-day period of stay needed to get married through the Special Marriage Act. If anyone can confirm that the Arya Samaj wedding is indeed a lot simpler and doesn't involve me sitting on a strange man's lap I'd be forever grateful. I hate to sound so uncompromising, because I'm usually a very flexible person, but I was feeling unable to actually relate to the wedding when everything was so foreign and felt almost imposed. Still, there's a lot of things I'm looking forward to, but of course what worries me right now is what lies on the opposite corner!

Dec 9th, 2005, 20:37	#9
dan37_123 Senior Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: Europe Posts: 389	so, you are argentinian, he is indian, both are residents in US. There are lot of opions, such as; civil marriage in US, Arya samaj marriage in India, Civil marriage in India, etc., etc.,. I can tell you one thing for sure, getting married in india, in a traditional indian manner, is an unforgettable event. It is unforgettable both from philosophical (if you have time take a read into the marriage sanskrit hymns, its full of wisdom) and cultural point of you. So please put your doubts behind, enjoy your wedding and a happy married life afterwards. More over, i think you should discuss these things with your boy frined, instead of posting these on such a public forum. In case if your boy friend, happens to see this thread, i am sure, he wont be happy. good luck dan

Dec 9th, 2005, 20:54	#10
Solved Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: BA Posts: 36	I don't live in US. I live in Argentina. He lives in US. After the wedding he'll live in US and I'll live in Argentina for at least eight months, so yes, I am mainly concerned with the upcoming wedding at this point of time. Because of these two things the lot of options that you mention doesn't really exist. Otherwise I wouldn't be worried about it, it's quite simple. And thanks for your concern, but my partner knows my feelings and my activities. He doesn't mind, so it's not an issue; rest assured.

Dec 9th, 2005, 21:43	#11
Auntyji One tight slap! Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: New York Posts: 323	Solved, my wedding was very similar to the Arya Samaj wedding. There is a priest in the Theosophical Society in Chennai who conducts it; he calls it a Vedic ceremony. It is the most basic Hindu wedding and lasts about 45 mins to one hour. An Arya Samaj wedding should also last about an hour. As far as I know, neither the Arya Samaj wedding nor the Vedic ceremony involve sitting on anyone's lap; I did not have to do this at my wedding. In fact, neither my parents nor my husband's parents needed to sit alongside us. I married someone from the North of India (I'm from the South) and found the time before the wedding to be a bit stressful as I did not know many of their customs. The Vedic ceremony was great because it was not North Indian or South Indian; it was a simple Hindu ceremony and satisfied everyone. Why don't you decide what you can compromise on and what you cannot? Like if you don't want to sit on someone's lap, say so. It seems like you have agreed to many things; surely you can state what you're not comfortable with.

Dec 9th, 2005, 21:58	#12
Nick-H Loud-mouthed, Noisy Bird Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Chennai, India Posts: 26,773	As you say 'in 6 weeks time' I guess that the whole thing is booked up, organised and thoroughly arranged by now. IIRC (I've only seen two Hindu weddings (we're all, I think, assuming this is a Hindu wedding...)) the bride changes her dress at some point. At least one of these saris will be a gift from the Guy's family. I don't know if you get any say in choosing it, but hey, it will have to really horrible to spoil your day! I also think that the complexity of a Hindu wedding can vary from paying a few ruppees for a wedding ticket at the temple, exchanging garlands and getting the blessing ---to something which lasts for days. I don't recall either of the brides at my friends' weddings sitting on anyone's lap: but tradition varies accorcing to community

Dec 9th, 2005, 22:05	#13
Auntyji One tight slap! Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: New York Posts: 323	Nick, I don't know which community Solved's fiancee belongs to, but one of my cousins married a Kannada speaker and she did have to sit on her dad's lap before being "given away". Don't know if any Tamilian communities follow this practice. And yes, we have assumed Solved's fiancee is Hindu, but when she talked about sitting on someone's lap as part of the ceremony, I thought of my cousin's wedding.

Dec 9th, 2005, 22:09	#14
Solved Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: BA Posts: 36	Thanks a lot Auntiji, that's super helpful. My family in law is trying to find out more things about the Arya Samaj wedding but they've been super busy (and my sisters in law live in Chicago and Mumbai so they're too far to enquire right now). I think the long ceremony is lovely, and there are some parts of it I'm really looking forward to, I just feel really uncomfortable with that kind of physical contact with a strange man. However, I was worried that since the traditional ceremony is quite standard (I mean, for his family and friends) that it'd be too weird for us to do everything and yet avoid the sitting part and that the guests would think it's wrong and my family in law would feel embarrased. Nick, yes, I am aware that for the ceremony I need to wear the madisar and I have no problem. I've also agreed that I will wear the sari I already own (they chose it) for the morning part of the ritual. My only problem is that six months ago my sister in law asked me what I wanted to wear at the reception, and I picked a sari instead of a salwar or lehenga (they were happy with this) and I chose the color saffron because I know they like dressing to match the bride (I saw it in my SIL's video) and saffron seemed a color that would look good on both me and them (or they could do orange or gold, etc) and at the same time be traditional and auspicious. However, they've just told my fiancé that they don't think I can look good in saffron and thus they will pick a new color (I've already bought shoes and accesories in saffron). This is what bothers me. ETA: yes, it's a Hindu wedding, I'm sorry I didn't clarify it earlier. Sol.

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