Dealing with Insensitive Family Members...

shelly90210

The first time I went to India my father came along and incessantly criticized me while I shopped...how to avoid it?

crvlvr

Thats too bad.. Does he need to go with you while you shop? Can you go by yourself and shop, while he eats? Or, maybe you could show him all the Indian stuff in a J Peterman catalog and he mioght realize hhow mainstream indian fashion has become.

ddevadatta

Hard to advice not knowing your age and why you dad really needs to accompany you. He seems like an over protective dad, most men hate shopping and think that women spend too much money on shopping (though in reality men actually spend more money shopping because they splurge on big ticket items). I think you should have a budget to spend and have your dad agree that that budget is for you to spend the way you want to spend it before you leave and then shop behind his back with that money.

As to the snide remarks, I think people do strange things when they are out of sorts in a foreign culture. It could be his own insecurities coming out, could be his dealing with culture shock (which is the most likeey explaination if he does these things only in India and not back at home).

The best thing for you irrespective of your dad or how he (mis)behaves is for you to grow up a bit and become strong internally. Knowing in advance that he will make such comments that you allow to affect you is half the battle. Now you know it and so go armed with a shield so to speak. Tell yourself that you will not be hurt by them, just learn to smile at it and not respond, and take such opportunities as moments for you to become strong. Each time you do it and let it run off your back you will gain the confidence for the next time.

The power and decision lies in you and I am sure you will because of that have a very different and positive trip WITH you dad this time. Good luck!

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shelly90210

Thanks for the thorough advice devadatta.

If it helps anyone, I'm 19.

sockeyeron

Hi Shelly, speaking as a dad with three grown kids, they would have told me to "buzz off" or words to that effect if I harrassed them while they were shopping. Especially while visiting another country.
Is it possible that he goes somewhere else while you and your mom shop?
As DD above said, its hard to advise without knowing your age.
Ron

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SHIMLA

We have a saying in Hindi, "Ek kaan se suno, doosre kaan se chhod do", literally meaning "Listen through one ear and let it go out through the other". I advise you to follow this if your dad keps pestering you this time too. In simple words, just ignore your dad and carry on with your shopping. Let your dad realise that his grumbling is falling on deaf ears.

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jyotirmoy

As a father of two daughters & regularly travelling with them I never accompany them on shopping binges. I get bored, impatience leads to verbal duels! So instead I fix up a place & time where we would meet after their shopping.
You said your father loves food. So I offer a solution. If you are in Delhi hand over your father to me for a gastronomic tour & I can bet that it would take so much time that you can do all of your shopping & more. At night after a dinner at Karim's & a bit of Rabri in Chandni Chowk your father will be in a completely different state. Show him then the purchases you have made!

yousaybenares

Sounds like you still want to please your father without hurting him, which is fine, but he has to respect you as an adult too. You may have to explicitly point that out to him and ask for that. IMHO, when you can get to point in relationship where you can say both 'yes' and 'no' to him then it will be more balanced and healthier relationship -- it may takes years of working on this

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jivan

a better deal is show him paronthewali gali off chandni chowk road, near lal killa (Red fort) & enjoy u'r shopping binge. I'm sure once he discovers this lane & if he's a foodie like me it won't matter whether u take 2 hrs. or 2 days to turn up. Be strong girl

greenchutney

oh..just endure it for the moment...he is just an overbearing, impatient dad that probably feels he has the right to say because he pays for it.. telling him probably wont have any effect...its a longger process to change someones mindset...has to be gradual..

you are going to able to stand on your own feet maybe in 3 or 4 years..you can come to india on your own and then probably rent a whole ship to take all your selections back!...

the clothes here are also just getting better and better and they are not going anywhere... sales come and go all the time......if at all in the future, just dont get married to a control freak or insecure guy...you have a choice to dump him though.....

cheer up girl!...

greenchutney

you could bribe your mom in exchange for her support.......

you could also work on your ecosystem of relatives..and get them to keep popping in and commenting (right in front of him) on how good you look with the indian clothes...

you could say that if he wears a couple of indian clothes..he might get a better deal on the food he buys..(if he is a stingyass..he might fall for this

you could say you are buying for your friends..(if you are spending your own money on it..) but i would rather not lie to my parents if their money!..

you could also get him to eat the really open street food (gol gappas/pani puri..with the fingers dipped in) and he will have a case of fast and evil diarrhoea ...and that will keep him the hotel all day...and you and your mom can sneak out in the meantime.....

dani

shelly, I can understand that your father would not let you go alone. At least my parents would never have let my sister go alone at that age. I'm even not completely sure if they would have let me or my brother go alone, but they would have been shit scared anyway! Of course not all parents are the same.

Have you ever considered speaking out to your dad? He probably doesn't even realize that he hurts your feelings with his remarks. Maybe he acts more sensitive if he realizes that he has made you crying with his behaviour

iwanttogoback

now that's an offer i'd be taking up.

jgv

Yes take the gastronomic tour offer up. Have you read the cuisine section??? YUM

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shelly90210

Hi jgv, iwanttogoback, dani, greenchutney, jivan, yousaybenares, shimla, sockeyeron, jyotirmoy, devadatta, cvlr. Thanks for replying to my thread!

All of the advice really helped me see things in perspective. I had a feeling that ignoring negativity is the best response. But now I will try to avoid the situation all together by sending my dad on a gastronomic tour of chandni chowk.