Dating / Relationships etc. with Indians!

mercedes10

Hey! This has probably been discussed before, so apologies if this is repetition (and if so maybe you can direct me to a suitable thread). I'm just wondering if anyone can shed any light on what the dating/relationship situation amongst traditional Hindus is? I tried to ask my Indian guide about it but he was kind of cagey and I don't really feel like I got any straight answers! The kind of traditionalists who have arranged marriages - would they ever be allowed to date or have any form of relationship in advance of marriage - or does everything centre on that big day? And when I say 'allowed' - is it their religion that disallows it or their parents or both? I met an Indian guy who I found a bit confusing in that sense - he was very flirtatious with me, but at the same time it was clear that he had strict Hindi faith and accepted the fact that his marriage would be arranged. I could be wrong, but I don't think he'd ever had a girlfriend or any kind of physical contact with a female (or maybe I'm just naiive?!). I had no intention of being involved with him, but I guess my question is that if I HAD been interested in him would there have been any really likelihood that it would have progressed anywhere, or would the flirtation be just that? - because he wouldn't be allowed to do anything else???

Sorry - this is long-winded. I hope you know what I mean!

getgopi1

Hindu or not, Indians typically grow up expecting to be in an arranged marriage. Some fall in love and get married with or without the acceptance of their parents. Whilst others forsake their love to satisfy the expectations of their parents. A close friend of mine married a girl he fell in love with in college (in Madurai, India) without the knowledge of both their parents. Eventually, when it came to light, they had to divorce (after a long struggle) because both of their parents were extremely upset and the girl's father threatened to commit suicide Strangely my friend's parents agreed to let him marry a girl from a different religion. It was okay with them "this time around" because it was happening with their knowledge and blessings

I have flirted with my co-workers here in Boston but never took it past flirtation partly because I did not want to get involved with a co-worker and partly because I had a fear of my parents (who I was living with back then)...that I would hurt their feelings. My parents were expecting me to get married in the traditional way. I did not want to. Eventually I had to move out because my feelings conflicted with theirs and I didn't want to give them false hopes by continuing to live with them (Note: I still make it a point of not asking co-workers out).

As for your Indian friend, he is probably in the same situation I was only a few years ago. I could see then that some girls were interested in me (as I was in them) but I always held back from showing more interest because I felt "somehow obligated" to my family. Trust me, your friend likes you very much but probably has this heavy feeling his parents are looking over his shoulder...patronizing him...thus preventing him from asking you out. Either he has to learn to shrug away that feeling (like I did)...and that takes a lot of guts because you are moving into "unknown" territory...or go home to an empty bed.

__________________
- Gopi

lokie

I think I may be able to shed some light onto this! I'm a white American and my husband is Indian (Hindu). His family was pissed that we got married but they eventually came to accept me. His 2 sisters had arranged marriages and his other sister went off to marry someone and she is shunned from the family. NO ONE will talk to her. The only reason his family is accepting me is maybe because he is male and in America. ALL my husbands friends have arranged marriages. Most did not date or have any relationship with a women until they were married even though they were in America. All his friends at home did the same thing. Most families will disown them and friends sometimes do too. There really isn't a concrete explaination to this other than .. you just don't do it!! Their culture has so many unexplainable things. It just is! I've tried and tried to understand certain situations but I just stress myself out finding an explaination. I've come to "accept" it as is.

Merchant

Indians do what everyone else does in the world. They flirt, canoodle, and fornicate just like everyone else--before and after marriage. Marriage and sex are two different things. Lines are drawn at marriage.

getgopi1

Wow, lokie, that is extreme. At least I am on good terms with my folks (I visit them once a week). Here are some movie choices to get a good grasp of the whole thing

Bend It Like Beckham
http://movie-reviews.colossus.net/movies/b/bend_it.html

Bombay
http://movie-reviews.colossus.net/movies/b/bombay.html

lokie

GETGOPI 1 .......

My husband still talks with his parents every week. It is his sister they don't talk to. His mother told him not to even bring up her name. It is a really bad situation. I don't understand why it is ok for him to marry me and not his sister. I am guessing because the man she married is an idiot . We won't get into that. I still have yet to talk to his parents, but we are going to India Nov 20! His mother doesn't speak English (that may be a good thing) His father and sisters do. It should be interesting!!

Oh.... and Bend it like Beckham is a great movie!

getgopi1

Lokie, I think that it is because of a really old prejudiced thought in India...that a man would take care of his elderly parents but a woman cannot. So they cannot afford not to forgive the son because elderly parents subsequently might need him. In other words, the daughter can be "written off". Not all families are like that today, of course. My high school English teacher, for instance, is still unmarried and taking care of her frail father.

I think that the more exposure a family has to different cultures, the better they will be at handling a situation when a family member marries an "outsider". In that sense, my own kids (both male and female) wouldn't have to worry about taking flak from me. But if I were to marry an Indian girl, lord knows, how she might deal with it

But Goodluck in India! I am going there Nov. 18 myself. I beat you by 2 days

volga_volga

Not exactly on the subject of dating between Indians and non-Indians, but have you been through the suitable boy debate? ignore occasional digressions we tried to keep the thread on topic once in a while.

lokie

Well that is not fair Gopi ..... you cant beat me !! Where are you going?

getgopi1

Lokie, I am going to Madurai for 2 weeks, attend a friend's wedding and then tour southern TN and Kerala How about you?

Oh, yeah, volga, I did go through that one. Interesting thread! We've digressed a little bit Let me address this one more time. Maybe it will provide some insight to mercedes10 on her original post as well. Ultimately it is not about whether it is love marriage or arranged marriage. It is about a certain degree of possessiveness on the part of the elders in a family...to the point, where the word "possessive" becomes a way of life. Most Indian girls seem resigned to their fate of being "traded" away, that they actually look forward to an arranged marriage. When such a "balance of life" is disturbed, tempers flare,

"WHAT? You don't want to marry a groom of our choice? But you want to marry some other creep. What if he cannot take care of you and you come running back to us? Forget it. If you truly respect your elders, you will do as we say. It is for your own good!".

The good news is that today a few Indian girls are taking advantage of something to move away...like the recent tech boom. They get a job in a far off place and move out quickly and feverishly. They are brave women. They are financially independant which gives them an edge over the women who still depend on their folks for basic necessities. Having said that, I also don't think I want to imagine anymore of how or what a woman thinks

With my own parents, when I stated that I might possibly marry a non-Indian girl, they were like, "Today's kids just don't have any respect for their elders". Apparently they had long taken for granted that I would just accept "anything" they threw my way but not "that". But my parents are also more considerate than other Indian parents I have met here...in that they were willing to try to understand why I was behaving the way I did/do rather than calling me "doomed" or the ever-popular "Someday, you will realize when you have kids of your own why you should have listened to us". I am glad that I made my intentions clear to them when I did earlier on rather than just walk in on them one day and say "This is my girlfriend, kim kimichanga. I don't care whether you accept her or not because we are going to go forth and multiply anyway"

So I was having dinner at my parent's house the other day and my Mom was watching a soap opera on SunTV. I was like, "Mom, this show is just textbook Indian, arranged marriage, politics between in-laws and all that. You watch this stuff?" Her reply, "I watch it because I don't think that it will ever happen in our family"

skell

We have a saying here that probably wouldn't go over too well in India:
A son is a son till he takes a wife, but a daughter's a daughter all her life.

RPG

It depends on what you mean by "do anything else". Of course the typical Indian does not have a girlfriend/boyfriend and has never had sex. But then they divide into three classes:

(a) Will not be able to handle physical contact, will not be able to function sexually due to the extreme (almost incomprehensible) novelty of the situation, and/or will become very needy/clingy (a white girlfriend is like winning the lottery)

(b) Knows western women are loose and wants to have sex but not a relationship...the flirting may feel normal to you and even 'western', but at some point you will realize that there is a fundamental mismatch of expectations---if you're responding to the flirting but you won't have sex right away, what the hell is the problem with you?

(c) There are some liberal, accepting families. Their young men will be inexperienced, but it is not inevitable that there be a giant clash of cultures.

So if you want to have some fun and make love to someone of a different skin color than you (the contrast is very sexy), choose someone in category B whom you can leave when you're done. Make sure you don't get a category A guy and mess him up for life. And if you want a relationship, everyone is different, India is not monolithic. Not all parents are the cartoon version. Lots of NRI Indians are married to foreigners. Take it slow and see how it goes.

oldhippie

It all depends on what you are after. If you are looking for long term relationships...marriage etc...some of the guys above have some useful info.

If you are simply interested in getting laid..Indian girls these days are the easiest to get into the sack. They seem very interested in "Western" men and probably overseas Indians as well. You will find this common in large cities like Mumbai & Delhi. A lot of the married women in Mumbai are also very keen on experimenting and tend to be very forward. I usually meet women through work, at parties and mostly at the Gym.

You need to make your intentions very clear from the start and enjoy the ride.

__________________
Too Many Gandus, Too Few Bullets.

edwardseco

Mostly I see tremendous variation across families rather than a commonality. Also, it is vastly easier to accept a non traditional spouse if they are from a wealthy family or are doctors, etc. I was tickled by Skell's comment. I heard that in Indian villages..

getgopi1

It seems to be generally true that Indians seem attracted to fair/white skin. But I have a Sikh friend who prefers dating Asian girls (he lived in Singapore) for a while. He is a pretty easygoing chap, not uptight at all. He says that Asian girls don't give him "attitude" Personally, I think he needs to continue to broaden his horizons

There is an Indian restaurant down in Norwood. The Indian guy who owns the place is terrific. I wasn't so sure about his Indian wife. She seems to prefer being a stewardess to American customers only and completely ignored us twice when we had questions about the buffet. The owner seemed slightly apologetic as we checked out.

Then there was the time when my Dad, a really wonderful guy, was returning from work on the Red line (subway train), when he had to sit next to an Indian girl (a student type). She abruptly got up and moved to a seat further down. My Dad was very disturbed about it. I was like,

"Dad, perhaps she is a traditional girl who shuns the proximity of Indian guys. Whatever the reason, its her problem. Not yours. So don't let it get to you!"

The needy/clingy part is true for anyone who prefers to stick to the security of a known environment. Once you get out and get around and come to accept that dating is a number's game, you will be surprised how laidback you can become