Countdown to emotional explosion .. BEWARE!!

We leave in 6 days!!!! I am American, Husband is Indian and I'm meeting his parents for the first time!! I am a white blone fair skinned girl and he is black hair dark skinned guy. Quite a shock to his family.

Heres a list of my problems, thoughts, annoyances blah blah blah ....
Why do we need to bring 50.00 USD worth of chocolate?????? I have NO room left in the suitcases to fit it all ... and he wants to bring chips too!!

We do we buy presents for people that we've never met, have no idea who they are, will never see again, and are not even closely related to me?????? Let me guess .. it is a cultural thing! We've spent so much money on gifts and the gifts are taking up more space on our luggage than our own clothes HOW COULD THAT BE???? I DON'T SPEND THIS MUCH MONEY ON MYSELF!! Ok .... I had to rant there. I know there is a big cultural difference between Americans and Indians and I'm tryng REALLY hard to understand it. When we get to my husbands familys home ..... there will be hundreds of people there to meet us. I will feel like a zoo animal!! (mmmoooooooo) Has anyone here married someone from the other culture??

I love my husband with all my heart and we will be able to get through anything together but there will always be things I won't be able to understand and the same with him. My problem now is packing. We have a HUGE suitcase filled with presents .... our suitcase is 1/2 the other suitcase for 3 weeks full of clothes and we have NO room to put anything else like underware, socks, razor, personal items. Anyway .. this was just a huge stressed out rant that needed to come out.....husband and I just got into an argument and I'm trying to express my feelings here instead of yelling at him!

When you marry an Indian man, you are literally marrying his family. You have to know this before marriage.

Carrying an additional suitcase or paying for excess baggage is a very paltry price to pay for the priceless love and affection you'll receive from his family in India; something you can never hope to receive in your own country from your own people !!

This is funny stuff. I like it allot!
Not married yet But the girl I might marrie one day is from another culture, but not that far away though.

hey-- look at the bright side, your huge suitcase will be empty quickly and you can fill it with all the wonderful stuff india has to offer... think about gifts for your family, decorating your home, and clothing, etc etc. your husband has chosen the gifts to bring, now you throw in a few small items for young girls or boys, sisters- in -laws, etc. small junk can work for a lifetime of happy social relations....

I'll chime in with this, and it's not meant to be taken as any kind of personal criticism: Don't get so stressed out about any of this materialistic stuff. So what if you're spending $50 on chocolate? How often do you get a chance to put a smile on a little kid's face with a dollar's worth of sweets? Did any of the trick-or-treaters at your door two weeks ago show you as much gratitude? (what? you didn't give out candy at Hallowe'en?! Shame on you. I didn't either) Anyway, it's all going to go a lot easier if you just make up your mind to go along with your husband's plans and quit worrying about how you don't have room for 16 pairs of undies and socks. You can buy 'em there if it's that important to you. This is a rare and special experience, and speaking personally, it's one I envy since the Indian I love is the same sex as me, and we therefore don't even have the right to do what you're doing. Think about THAT.

Think of it as a blessing in disguise...you will want to buy so many amazing things and want to wear them that you'll be happy you brought less. You can buy razors, personal items...anything you want is there.

I guess it would be hard for your husband to go home emptyhanded so you'll have to give in for this one. Don't sweat the small stuff... go shopping!

oh...by the way...do make sure to bring your own underwear... Indian underwear is not that great.

Oh my, Lokie! I am not blond, but I am as fair and freckled (and feisty) as they come and, like you, my DH is Indian. I am sure whether to laugh, whine with you, or shine light on the shadowy path to happy familyhood. Assuming you only have one husband in your life, you've only got one family he goes along with, right? I don't know why I am bringing a suitcase full of chocolate either! I do not understand why shell-shaped milk chocolates from Trader Joe's is so desirable, when I would much rather have the Cadbury bar available in India, but so it is! I accept the fact other people know better than I what will smooth relationships and show respect/gratitude. I have so much to be grateful for with these people I have never met. Some of them are teachers and aunties who have made my husband who he is. Some of them are neighbors who've helped out my motherIL, with all the day to day things that my husband and I are of no help with. For all I care, one or two might be bad neighbors who we just want to keep friendly and from making up bad gossip about the ill-mannered white woman married to so-and-so's son. If it makes things smoother, our lives easier, and my MIL's life easier, I say spend more!! We are not well off; I don't buy these things for myself either, but it is not like these gifts are bon-bons for MIL to eat, while she gives me porridge! And it is not as though it is a frequent expense. These are hostess gifts and tokens of appreciation from the child who has not been home for any of his family responsibilities for way too long. I generally take a hostess gift when invited to an acquaintance's house here. If a box of shell shaped chocolates makes me a more welcome guest, then voila -- too easy! After spending $2500+ on air tickets I am more than happy to make good on my investment in a enjoyable trip.

I come from a large extended family that is pretty close, with all the love, backbiting, gift-giving, competition, and support that goes along with that so I guess it is easier for me than some Americans to understand the importance of family and the necessary compromises. But even still, I sometimes find myself wondering “What is the point of XYZ (purchase, taboo, etc)?!?” In these moments, it helps me to think of it as 10% gratuity on the price of our air-tickets, to make the trip better.

Okay, wow, am I blah-blahing yet? Let me just end by saying I sympathize that there are just way too many things that don’t make sense, but on matters of his culture I trust DH knows better than I do. Your husband is doing you both a favor! Let him! (At least for this first trip.)

Okay, I am not done blah-blahing… Is your husband really not allowing any space for your own stuff?!! My DH wouldn't try that, but if he did I would insist that one bag is mine to pack! But perhaps I would consider that it is worth my while to have some tokens of my appreciation in that bag...
If it is not worth is to you, I think you have larger problems, but I guess it is worth it to figure that out for yourself. Or could you bargain with him for the promise that you spend Day 2 shopping for all things you want? Just a thought.

Regardless of how you work it out, I hope that your trip contains much to be grateful for!

well...good luck miss!

some words that might help:
when you go to someones home. always bring a gift. fruit is good
when you have someone in 'your' home, always give them something to take away with them.

watch the women very closely and do as they do. be very, very, sharp and perceptive about everything from body movements, taking shoes off, eating customs -simply everything. you will be found to be liked and very agreeable, often the 'wont be able to place their finger on why she is such a pleasant woman'. -it will be because you are not rubbing against the culture. i would also say that if the women go away from the men to cook, you should as as well.

there will be a lifetime of 'not understanding' the cultures finest points, but i think this is the really great thing about marrying out of your culture. there is always some new adventure you see in your mate and he in you. this is why we all travel.

as for india, indians and asia. you will also find that you can meet some of the wisest, most educated people -even more clever than oneself, yet be utterly mystifed at why 'they doing it that way'. it can be anything from hilarious to wholly annoying. in the end, it just is and youll have to accept it or go mad.

ive actually adopted a few asian practices when i had a home to return to in the states (taking my shoes off inside is best example). sometimes its just cultural maddness. other times there are very valid reasons things are done certain ways that often are not immediately understood. then one day...you have one of those 'ah-ha' moments and it is all clear as a bell.


ps: trader joes rocks -they have indian food in a pouch like korma and what not. but i doubt youll need to take any of that. maybe some jalapeno stuffed olives. YUM

Hey Meera, thanks. What is so great about TJ chocolate anyway? DH loves it too. We are in agreement about the truffles and the Belgians, but the TJ milk chocolates are in demand.

Loki, looking over this thread, I'm afraid I've dished out too much advice and too little sympathy. You came to a forum full of India lovers looking to vent, so maybe you wanted India-lov'n advice. But more sympathetically, this is probably the latest $50 in a series of purchases, and you are anxious about your upcoming departure. Don't let it get you down! You've just gotta make it worthwhile!

Hi all, have enjoyed this thread ... I love the gift buying and taking... but no one to do it for yet ! I am envious that you have found THE ONE !!! Good luck and many blessings ... am hoping my fourth trip (fly out 27th Nov) will be the best yet, and who knows what will happen !

Indian people are so warm and giving, and by the simple things of following the culture (even though you may not understand those bits and pieces at the time) goes a long way towards gaining their respect and affection...

This has already been said, but just wanted to wish you all the best...

Raye

Because you might become the best of friends? Because you might come back home just longing for your next visit?

Hey! You never know! India has its ways of getting to people and getting under their skin: for some it's religion, for some it's music, for some it's a brown-skinned partner...

Of course that may never happen; you may live the rest of your lives culturally a million miles from India. But India is seriously contagious! And there is no known innoculation or cure . You'll find this forum full of very sad cases: many of us are suffering from terminal Indiophilia! Hey! Don't take the chocolates: contribute to the IndiaMike 'Get Us Back To India Fund'

As for taking three-weeks worth of clothing, just Don't! Laundry is very cheap (anyway, your new family will probably take care of your needs) And clothes are very cheap to buy there (having them taylor-made is almost as cheap) and very beautiful also. You need that space and weight for all the lovely things you will bring home!

Now that you've had your rant, and had some sympathy, some lack of it, how about telling us the interesting stuff Where are you going? What other places are you visiting? etc etc

Anand; what's wrong with Indian underwear?

Shimla has it completely correct. If you don't make the investment in family, sooner or later, it will come back to haunt you. Small price to pay for a lifetime. Based on long experience in this area, do it with good graces..

My Indian friend is married to a European blonde girl. On her first trip to Bombay she had the same questions. They loaded a hell of presents and were told off by the MIL & relatives. But when they left India they had to have an extra suit case. Now she proudly presents her silver & gold jewllery on every Diwali and other parties. Everyone describes her more Indian than Indians. Now he's got a problem that when he goes for business (Hotels) trip to India and she can't make it the relative and friends ask him why he did not bring her & that next time he must bring her with him. So if she can't make it he has to wait when she can get away from her business. We adore her for she is a wonderful host and her name is NINA. She knows more Indian history & religion than many Indians.